My husband died today

[City Slicker]

I share the thoughts others have so eloquently spoken. My thoughts are with you and I hope you are able to have in-person support while you are dealing with this. I am so sorry.

 

[stillstanding2]

Don't stay alone. Please, call those people, with whom you feel safe the most with, and allow them to help you.

That is sound advice, though I know you may feel alone, even with your most supporting friends and family. Surely they all, as we do, wish they could help. From experience I know that some people are perhaps better equipped to say comforting words, but there are no words for what you feel right now., no comparisons or cliches can relieve your loss. Try to accept that none can help more than just being with you in sorrow. Be well and talk with us when you can.

 

[void]

He committed suicide. I don't know what I'm going to do now.

:wideeyed:OMG!
I am so sorry to hear this!:sorry:
The shock and emotions you must be feeling...I can't imagine.:(

Do you have a support system of people to be with you, comfort you?
I hope you do.

May @Medic72 and her family/friends all find comfort, support and peace during this most difficult trial.
We are here for you.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

This has been a week from hell, dissociation & then a massive panic driven meltdown at the funeral. The reality of being "alone" set in as the funeral began wrapping up. I haven't been physically alone since then and that itself is very stressful on me, I'm not good with all of the social stuff. I just want to stop for a while, go quiet & be alone with his memory. I'm clinically aware of what happened, but emotionally, the healing is going to last a long time.
I'm so not used to being watched so closely, everyone afraid I'm going to follow him, but I think right now I'm still shell shocked. I'm seriously irritated with my sister but immensely guilty every time I snap at her. She is not intimately acquainted with my PTSD like my husband was.
How does your mind go from happy & making plans for the week to deciding to die?
I'm suffering inside & tired of the fake it til you make it stuff. I had to do peer support at the wake because so many people are suffering right now. My husband was a stellar medic with a million dollar smile, I'd never known him to be severely depressed....we were making plans for the week for crying out loud.
I'm tired of hearing the stereotypical responses, the fake people who want to be near you just so they can get on tv. I'm tired of reporters lurking around.
I just want to stop moving, stop having to think and just go silent, yet at the same time, I don't want people to leave me.
I am afraid of the dark right now. I'm afraid of my basement because he stored the guns there.
I'm hurting so much it's confusing when guests are laughing & joking around. I simply push things aside and pretend I'm fine. I'm not fine. It hurts. I'm scared.

 

[void]

This has been a week from hell, dissociation & then a massive panic driven meltdown at the funeral. The r...

Everything you say is understandable.
The shock, the pain, the desire to be alone and not alone at the same time.
Do you have grief counseling in place?
Do you have a regular T. that you have rapport with?

Some of us need more than just friends and family to get through the intense shock and pain.

It's nomb, but why are reporters lurking around? I wish they'd leave you alone...fvcking parasites:mad:

Would it help to have a friend stay in your home, but let you be alone when you need to?

 

[NarcSis]

My husband was a well known medic, mentor, professional to the nth degree, his job was everything to him. His suicide hit everyone extremely hard & because first responder suicides/PTSD are such a big news story, the media has been calling nonstop, & trying to get photos/interviews with me or any of his colleagues.
Sadly his sudden sensationalized death triggered at least three more first responder suicides this week. There are so many grief stricken & shocked families right now. It's got to stop, it just has too!

 

[Lionheart]

Oh dear @Medic72

I am deeply sorry for your loss and for the pain you are having to endure!!! :( I wish I could say or do something that would take your pain away, but your pain is a reflection of the depth of your love for him and I would not want to take away from that in any way.

Please,..accept these heartfelt hugs...
:hug::inlove::hug::inlove::hug::inlove::hug::inlove::hug:

and if you accept, ...prayers for your healing...
:angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic:

Lionheart777

 

[void]

My husband was a well known medic, mentor, professional to the nth degree, his job was everything to him....

I'm....just...stunned:wideeyed: at what you and the others are facing and what you have gone through.
May you find your way to peace and relief.:hug:

 

[Nevermore]

Oh medic22 )-;
I have been through this. It's like a journey through a dark tunnel lined with barbed wire.
It took a loooong time for me and I did it all wrong. drank. Isolated.
As a good friend who lost his son this way said, at first it's like you're famous. Everyone responds. But nobody understands. Then you're on your own.
It's so hard to accept.
I don't have any good advice except to say you're not on your own! After a while you do learn to ride the feelings out, but you need someone who really does understand and for me that was only another who'd been through it.
It helped me to pray a lot for him and I spent some time in a Buddhist monastery in Nepal where I paid for them to also pray for him. It helped me and I hope it helped him. I think it did as I still feel him around me and it feels peaceful and loving now.
As for the how's and whys, I just think in that moment it all became too much.
I'm so sorry for your loss!
and I'm so sorry for his loss too, that the pain became too great for him. It's something I will never judge.
But also something I will never do as the pain it leaves with your loved ones is too big to handle - even though I had many thoughts of following )-:
I wish I could reach out and hug you. You will get through this, but it's a rough ride.
I hope you have good people around you who will let you feel how you feel and stick around.
Oh I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you )-:

 

[ms spock]

I don't have any suggestions but I am feeling for you Medic72!

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you my condolences and best wishes.

 

[stillstanding2]

because first responder suicides/PTSD are such a big news story, the media has been calling nonstop

Dear, you don't have to entertain the press or anyone else. It is up to you to express, or not express, yourself in any way to suit others' guesses at what you feel. You cannot be required to help others fathom the depth of devastation you feel. No one but you can feel it, nor should they. Your feelings are as private as anything imaginable.

Here on the forum, I hope there is no one who will insult you with "I know how you feel." We can't. But we are with you in your pain. Take care.