My husband died today

[Nam]

I'm sorry to hear Medic.

I wish our society wasn't so keen on just the end. Doesn't it seem that way? So many things: a loss on a game, a final on a test, end of a long project, a case, anything. What about all that came before it. The work, the trials, the small triumphs, the ....LIFE lived. What about that? Years you spent with this man far outshines anything he did in his last moments. Never forget that. He choose you to be with. To spend time with, to share LIFE with.

Keep writing. We are listening.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would give you 1000+ likes @Nam . :notworthy: Even if not at this moment it feels that way @Medic72 , it's true. Though I wish too for you both it had been longer. :( :cry:

 

[stillstanding2]

@Medic72, @Nam, and @Junebug, Please forgive my last departure into my own history. It had nothing to do with the thread, except to say that I don't have to imagine what Medic said. I am surviving it.

I thoroughly agree that Medic's treasured memories of before are precious, and are part of her.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thinking of you. Have you been able to eat?

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 Thinking of you during this difficult time. I hope your pain eases.

Hugs.

Heather

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, I'm eating, no where near the appetite I had before all of this but I'm taking in food.

@stillstanding2, no apologies needed, ur words actually help me to normalize a lot of this, so thank you.

Everyone, I truly appreciate all of your support, trying to deal with this is so heartbreaking, so stressful, so utterly devastating. Each day just brings forth the little things that generate more questions, intensify this sadness and make me question our whole relationship.

I loved him with everything I had. I felt he loved me, he would walk on water for me but did I love him enough and in the ways he needed it?

I got into his iPod today. I found a note from 3 years ago that simply said "I want to kill myself." My heart sank. He bought that damned first gun that year. My very soul became afraid with this knowledge. Was it just transitory anger at the time or was this a longstanding wish?

I also found another note written only days after that first one that said he was a happy baby born to a sad family. I knew he'd had a hard childhood, I knew both of his parents parenting styles were severely lacking but I always reminded him that he became this amazing man that I loved wholeheartedly DESPITE how they treated him.

Oh my poor baby. My poor, poor baby husband, why couldn't I heal your hurting heart? What I would give to reach back in time and make sure those childhood issues weighing on your mind were dealt with professionally. How could I have known how deep it hurt him?

He wrote another note after my mom died saying he didn't feel like a part of my family because they left him behind at the church and they didn't "allow" him to sit near me during the service.

I've just felt really depressed since I read that. I knew he felt he didn't fit in with my family, hell I never felt like I totally fit in with them - he and I were cut from the same cloth and we were far too intelligent for my family.

He complimented me. I thought I balanced him. I didn't know he always felt the world and the universe was working against him - I didn't know! I thought I knew him inside and out!!!

This man had a smile on his face everywhere he went but I knew that moody hurting side he had. I knew when the "mad dog" was about to be unleashed in public and I'd do what I could to settle him.

I loved him so much. I just, I don't know how to process this. My heart feels broken, literally.

Is this me blaming myself?

 

[stillstanding2]

Is this me blaming myself?

No! At least I hope that you are not blaming yourself, or that you ever will. You didn't do this. Period.

Something I have thought about many times is that we all grow up hearing stories From fairy tales we're taught morals and happy-ever-afters. Books, TV, films and songs have endings and explanations, finales, conclusions...good and bad guys get what they deserve, there are always causes of obvious effects, and mysteries get solved.

It is what we expect in our lives, and we try to live good stories that anyone can read and appreciate.

But real life can't be that certain. It knows nothing of fairness, right, wrong, logic or illlogic. Life just happens sometimes, apart from conscious influence. And so does death, regardless of context.

So sometimes a search for "the explanation" is as futile as trying to fathom infinity. The search can be compelling in itself, yet no satisfaction is guaranteed. Meanwhile life goes on-- for the living.

It's all very existential, and little comfort to you now. But please consider that you may never grasp the ending of your husband's story. It is not a made-up mystery, with a trail of hidden clues meant to be found..

I wish I could say anything helpful or encouraging, but I honestly can't. I can just hope that you take care of yourself and recognize the enormous strength you have in reserve. Please take care.

 

[NarcSis]

@stillstanding2 you are completely right. My husband's story is not a made up mystery for me to solve and bring to any sort of conclusion - it was as it was from my perspective and this is the only thing that I can know.

I can take these little bits and interpret them or I can let them be what they are - bits of information, devoid of context and most certainly not generally applicable to his entire life.

That makes me feel so much better about myself, actually. His death is not my fault, I had it right from the start, he made a decision without me; he made the choice to leave me out in those moments and it wasn't because of a lack of love or anything, it was merely because underneath all of the facade of his reputation and our life together, he was a human being. He had a brain that is as fallible as all brains we possess in this world. He was a mere consequence of his biology...(not to completely diminish him or anything).

I loved that man. I gave him as much love as I had. He gave me as much love as he had in return. Together that created a wonderfully happy union, fraught with the most basic of human experiences. His end was not for me to know. His life played out as it was supposed to. I can't interpret it to suit anything, to appease anyone or to help make his leaving any easier on me.

This was not my fault. Fault does not belong in this conversation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Medic72 that is exactly so.

(((((((((((((((( @Medic72 ))))))))))))))))), xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wasn't sure if I should say it, but I will..

There are times @Medic72 I've heard it described similar to emotional cancer- not his choice or fault or anyone else's, as with other illnesses. If only love were enough to cure it always. :( But still, where would he have been without you, or how short would have his life been without all the goodness & support & understanding you brought him?

It's grossly misunderstood though, & that's precisely why even more difficulties are placed on you. Please be extra gentle with yourself. :hug:

 

[scout86]

I don't know how to process this.

I don't know about that, I think the way you're doing it is pretty amazing. And, I'd "like" your last post a thousand times, if I could.

Some of this reminds me of my friend who shot himself nearly 2 years ago now. He was a devote Christian who said that you go to hell if you kill yourself. (I'm imagining that now he knows he was wrong!) He came back from Iraq with PTSD and was too stubborn, at first, to accept that. But, after he was dead, a few other things came to my attention. We had talked about death a lot. The ability and willingness to talk about it was something we had in common. I assumed that was because he was a soldier and death seemed more real to him than it does to most people. Now I'm not so sure. He used "Eyore", the donkey from Winnie the Pooh as a avatar quite often. Never thought about it, but now I wonder what that might have meant. Maybe he fought with depression all along? He used a quote from the Shawshank Redemption as a tag line a lot. "Get busy living or get busy dying." At the time, I only saw that the first part of that was "him". Seems like maybe the second part was too...... And I never saw it. And it haunts me a little. But he didn't WANT me to see it either and that was a choice that was his to make. I just really wish he'd have chosen differently!

For some of this, @Medic72 , there probably are no answers, only questions. But, I'm glad the two of you had each other, even if only for a little while. And I suspect no amount of time really would have seemed like "enough".

 

[stillstanding2]

My husband's story is not a made up mystery for me to solve and bring to any sort of conclusion - it was as it was from my perspective and this is the only thing that I can know.

And this is the kind of healthy thinking that many of us still need to develop. Maybe especially we with PTSD need to consider this train of thought while asking another main question: "WHY ME???" Regardless of known traumas and all their contexts, sometimes things happen to some people and not to others. And sometimes the search for blame only serves a human demand for neatness in understanding chaos.