Suicide.
Not many people out there in the world even get what it is or how it can happen to someone. I understand it from a cognitive standpoint and from an emotional standpoint, I have felt that trapped before and several times since my trauma 8 years ago. I know how suicide can happen so damned suddenly. I know how logic fails and gets replaced by the only escape route. I know how quickly anger and fear and sadness can rope your mind in and the only way you know to escape is to die - in those moments, in the grips of that darkness when you grapple with life itself, there seems to be no other way out. Your troubles seem insurmountable, you're exhausted and you no longer want to deal with them. You're angry and you reason using emotion and not logic. You convince yourself that this is the best option, that this will solve everything and that people will go on without you.
People do go on without you, but they go on broken. Some may fall into the same trap, lost in their own despair they too will make that inescapable decision. The pain you suffered doesn't just go away, it merely gets disseminated amongst others who are left to survive your decision. I know, that sounds like a guilt inducing thing to say, but it's the truth and it's not meant in any way to stigmatize those who commit suicide, rather it just is what it is. I will never blame those who make this choice simply because from my point of view, it is not a conscious choice, it is a crisis induced decision, it is rash and void of logic - it is the result of a brain that is malfunctioning. It is not the fault of the person who dies that they could not "hold on" to their life, all they knew was, in that moment, this was the only choice and it made sense to them.
It's not supposed to be for us to make sense of. It is not for us to judge from our outside perspective. It is merely for us to accept, adjust, forgive and carry on in the best way we can.
I'm getting tired of people judging my husband because of what he did that day. They didn't know what he was going through. They didn't know how much pain he was in. They didn't see him broken, or crying or being hard on himself, blaming his body for being defective, or depressed because of the perceived lack of love in his childhood...they didn't see how hard he took to criticism at work, how the stress of dealing with my PTSD only added to the stress of the crap he had to deal with at work. They didn't see how hard he tried to shield me from all of that. They didn't see him making a martyr of himself and me pleading with him to just talk to me - retraumatizing or not. No one lived in this house with us, no one loved him like I did. No one has any ground to stand on when they choose to judge a person who is no longer here to defend himself.
I loved my husband. I have PTSD. His death is not my fault. Please do not say to me, "Well, it couldn't have been easy on him...." What in hell kind of message are you trying to send to me? Perhaps a little compassion and hold your tongue when you speak about the love of my life.
Please do not insinuate that he was "always depressed and angry" because anyone who knew this man, truly knew him, knew how full of life he was, how he was silly, how he smiled at everyone and despite those rare instances where he had his guard up to protect me, he loved his life with me. He told me every day. He hugged me and kissed me every day. He told me that I made him a better person, that I made his life better....just as he did for me.
Oh and if you want to speak to me about God and judgement, then hold your tongue! Or so help me I will rip it from your mouth. People who commit suicide are the ultimate in "lost souls". They are blinded by pain and anguish, things you've never likely experienced in your sheltered existence! Do not insinuate that my husband is burning in some hell you've been taught to believe in. Do not stand on some high and mighty pedestal and purport to tell me that the things We believed and I strongly hold true too, are wrong! How dare you judge my husband in that way??? How dare you judge anyone in that way? Did your religion not teach the principles of forgiveness and compassion for those who are lost?
I grew up with the concept of judgement, it was hammered into me by religion, religions created by man. My husband was a Catholic...can anyone else tell me how bad that religion feels about suicide? When a cousin of mine committed suicide when I was young and the priest refused to do the funeral, I felt if there was someone in the world more against the tenets of religion, it was that person who stood unwaveringly above everyone else placing himself and his beliefs above all else. Where is the compassion for your fellow human being and doing things for the sake of the living? No, to me this was never right.
I'm sorry I'm up on some pedestal right now too but I just get so angry with people judging him and subjecting me to their "humble" opinions. I refuse to accept this type of thing anymore. If anyone else says anything remotely judgey to me about my husband, they are going to feel the wrath of my own tongue.
Sorry, everyone. Just expressing my anger and frustration today.
