My husband died today

[Sandstone]

A friend who worked as grief counsellor told me that the best outcomes were for those who loved very fully and deeply, and then went on to grieve equally fully and deeply. She said they were eventually able to move on to living fully again, and that often involved a relationship that was as complete as the one they lost through bereavement. She said, though, that if they remained single it was through choice not obligation.

It occurs to me that this may be one of the rare times when having PTSD gives you a bonus. You have clearly learned to examine and express yourself as you have worked through living with this pig of a condition. It's possible that being able to recognise and admit what you feel as you grieve, rather than being bound by the rules of what is expected of a new widow, will also enable you to work through that grief fully, deeply and completely.

 

[Nighthawk]

Im so sorry you are in so much pain. Wishing I knew what to say.

:hug:'s if youll take them

 

[stillstanding2]

Hi @Medic72. I hope you got some sleep and maybe that physical pain has faded some. As I said yesterday, I recall having some symptoms like that. When they didn't go away quickly, my doc went through my meds with me and identified one that was harming my stomach when I didn't eat something with it. I had almost no appetite, but was taking the med on an empty stomach without thinking about it. Just a possibility, and round-the-clock stress can cause the same soreness.

I hope you feel better soon. We are all thinking of you.

 

[NarcSis]

@stillstanding2 I slept for a full 10 hours and when I woke up the pain and stress were gone.

I felt good enough to go to lunch with one of my old partners from work. It was good, there was no shop talk so it was easy on me. I also went alone - yep I went to a "social" event All By Myself! Yay me for being such a brave girl.

When I came home my sister and I took a walk along the river like my husband and I used too. It was very soothing.to be there, especially on the bridge where we used to feed the fish. I have a strong urge to go hiking in the park where we used to go...my sister walks with a limp so she can't come and I'm kind of sad about this. I need a good hike now that the weather is getting better.

There are little things I notice that are strangely bothering me - cleaning the soap scum off the shower, moving the contents of his uniform pockets out of the laundry room, cleaning his brush and comb, throwing out his toothbrush, his mouth guard and the last razor he used.

It's funny the things he's touched somehow get associated with "the last true bits of him" like oils from his body, or possible bits of his DNA. Even the light switches!! You just become so sensitive to these tiny little things that you don't want to wipe them away.

I'm toying with the idea of flipping our mattress over and washing the sheets. His pillow, I won't wash or use; I put my face to it this morning and inhaled deeply, I could smell him as plainly as if he were there with me - I'm not washing or using his pillow ever.

I'm still afraid of washing those sheets but I'm starting to think about it and this is a step forward. I know he's not in these things but it still hurts to feel like you're possibly washing bits of him away. I'm going to give it a few more days before I wash that shower - I know it HAS TO get done.

I miss him so much.

I noticed my old partner from work can't use the word suicide, so I openly used it for her despite her cringes. It's not "the way he died" it's his suicide; I refuse to sugar coat it or deny it happened. She also couldn't use the word funeral, again, I filled that in openly for her too. There is no shame in either word. He's dead, he died by suicide and I gave him a funeral, I'm not squeamish or sensitive in any way about it. In fact, I say "when he shot himself" because that is also true and I'm not ashamed of it. It is the consequence of unmitigated stress and a potential consequence for anyone who refuses to accept how their stress is impacting their life.

He wasn't clinically depressed, he wasn't suffering from a mental illness, he didn't have PTSD....the fact remains that intense chronic pain coupled with high levels of stress can cause someone to take their own life. I saw it happen. There is no convenient answer to it.

She said many of his coworkers are still having trouble with it and they can't understand how I'm doing "so well". I laughed and told her to let them know that riding this particular roller coaster will continue for me long after they get off the ride. Just because they only see me smiling, offering advice or trying to help them with their understanding of it does Not mean I am not grief stricken, they just don't get to see my bad and worse moments.

I am a lot like him in that regard. We were so much alike and that is also what makes this hard for me.

God, I miss him.

 

[stillstanding2]

You sound so healthy today. I'm glad you went somewhere by yourself and did some active things you like at your own pace. We know there are downs that follow the ups, but just knowing the ups come next can be a great relief.

I think people all to often think of grief as an event with a beginning and an end. That something happens and you grieve for some unknown time, then everything goes back to "normal". We know more than that.

Grief for a spouse or child is a lifetime condition. It may morph into a form of wisdom which we might not have earned on our own, and it is a continuum. It is part of you now, and you can both hate its necessity and honor your capacity for it. You may find that there is more to you now, perhaps having acquired the best of him in yourself.

Don't want to sound too abstract, but I'll bet you sense what I mean. Take care, lady. We're listening.

 

[scout86]

@Medic72 , I wish I could "like" that post a thousand times! Besides everything else, you have me wondering is sleep deserves more credit than I tend to give it.

As it happens, yesterday was the second anniversary of the day my "unofficial adopted brother" shot himself. I'm with you on how that kind of death should be discussed. He didn't die, he shot himself. And I couldn't miss him more if we'd grown up in the same house. He did have PTSD. I think one of the things his friends and former co-workers found the most disturbing is that he was always the problem solver. He was the go to guy for a lot of stuff. Everyone expected him to have all the answers. It was a bit frightening to learn that HE, of all people could end up where he did. I wonder if there isn't some of that going on with your husband's associates? I've struggled with how to confront that a bit myself. Both because I don't have a good reason to offer on why I should be immune when he wasn't. Well, probably I'm not. And there's also wonder "Why him, not me? What am I still doing here? He had a family. He had people who counted on him. If it had been me instead, it would have been much less tragic, so why was it him?" I haven't actually gotten any answers to any of that, but it's there.

I'm glad you had a good day! There will be more of those, I'm sure of it. And I'm glad you got out and went by yourself. You SHOULD be proud of that and I'm glad that you are. Keep it up! And, maybe, you can find some other friend who'd like to go hiking with you, since your sister can't keep up. I hope today goes as well as yesterday did. :)

 

[iamexisisting-z.l]

I've been lurking around this post for a while now but just couldn't find the words . Whether they sounded condensing, judgemental, or just crazy but truth is I think of you .... I think of your strength that gets you through each day and your weakness that still makes you human.... I'm proud of you :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Bad day again. Car insurance day today, so I can't shake the image of that car again knowing he was in it cold and dead...with a shotgun beside him.

I've been crying off and on. It sounds like I'm not getting anything but a funeral expense covered, they keep pointing out that policy states, "death had to occur during the regular use of the vehicle" for me to receive any survivor benefit or counselling / rehab coverage. That doesn't apply so why am I even bothering?? It's just torture for me!!!!

I called the funeral home, apparently his mother only authorized payment of the deposit and her urn, so I placed the balance on my Visa today - I'm hoping I start getting income of some sort soon.

Very rough day today. Very rough.

 

[Crow]

My heart goes out to you @Medic72 . Hugs to you dear one.

 

[scout86]

Bad day again. Car insurance day today,

Will this be the end of dealing with the car insurance? At least there's that, maybe, that you'll finally be done with it? Contacting the funeral home was a step too. Not the best answer you could have found, but at least now you've dealt with it. Both of those things were hard, so be sure to appreciate your accomplishments. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I hesitated as to whey or not I should say this, but I'm going to say it... I think this thread, your very real struggles and immense pain are a testament to what survivors go through after they've lost a loved one to suicide. I've had my bouts with suicidal ideation but I've never read much into the survivors side of it all. I don't want to derail your thread, but I do want to say that this thread is powerful. On a site where people struggle with suicidal ideation, it's a powerful voice that one oftentimes does not hear. I am still praying for you and wish you the best. I hope I did not offend you in any way as that was not my intention in the least.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Medic72 maybe there is better counseling out there for you than what they would have provided.

:hug: :hug: :hug: Xoxox.