My husband died today

[stillstanding2]

I hesitated as to whey or not I should say this, but I'm going to say it... I think this thread, y...

I think EveHarrington speaks for all of us here. I hope you can find some rest after dealing with those things today. You are amazing. I doubt many of us could communicate with us so well the consequences of sudden suicide. Take care ma'am.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic checking to see how you are doing. I am so glad you were able to get out on your own, what a giant step!

I remember getting rid of my husbands things a little at a time and it was so hard. So kudos to you for your beginnings. I did not wash my husbands pillow either and not his pillow case as I used to just breathe him into me. I have not words to describe this experience.

I hope that you income kicks in soon for you to help you manage, because you do not need the added stress.

I am so happy that you and your sister went for a walk. I know how much the outdoors means to you and I do hope that eventually you will find a really good walking buddy to go hiking. It seems that it is your passion and a very healing experience for you.

 

[NarcSis]

@EveHarrington, you are definitely not the only one who's struggled with suicidal ideation, I think when it hits me now, dealing with all of this administrative nightmare in the aftermath of his suicide, I realize that I would only be passing this ridiculous nightmare that is bringing me nearer to a complete breakdown point, on to someone else. Nope, this is my cross to bear right now, no one knew him like I did, not even his own family. I'm sorry you struggle, but I know that struggle too...I just never knew it ever came to his mind, so this hit me like a ton of bricks. Hugs.

Honestly, everyone, I do not know how I'm still functioning, I think it's completely out of necessity and survival. I feel driven by anger, frustration and this is what is helping me to get through these tough points. It is taking a huge toll on my sister though - I have to express the frustration when I get anxious, she's convenient. My mind doesn't work well under pressure, so my go-to thing is frustration at my own mind for not working and I have to keep snapping at her to "Give Me Time To Think! Just Shush For A Minute and Give My Head Time To Work!!!" In turn, she is getting anxious and frustrated, telling me she feels "jittery" after dealing with crap - she won't say after dealing with me, I know that's what it actually is, it's that I was screaming at her out of PTSD induced frustration.

My sister is a bit of a control freak too, so when I start flying off the handle, she wants to immediately take a position of power and control, so she starts barking orders and getting more and more frustrated when she further triggers my anger and frustration. We're like a tornado when it starts to happen. Not a good situation - oh and "there's nothing wrong with me" says the lady exhibiting signs of an impending nervous breakdown! Oh but again, no one listens to me because they've been absent for the entire skill acquisition phase of my dealing with the PTSD and still treat me like I'm a child. Uggh. (sense the frustration? I hate having control over my life taken away from me.)

Whew. so this evening, I received a cell bill and it was over $500! I just about lost my entire head, the bill was claiming that I'd missed a payment, was charging me for services on my husbands cell phone that was deactivated days after he died (calls received!? text messages!? He was DEAD!!!). Anyone who follows my diary knows that finances really set me off , it's a huge trigger for me. So I had assigned taking care of this to my sister, so when she heard me flipping out over the bill she also started flipping out instead of using logic and being my substitute voice of reason. We ended up screaming at each other for about a half hour until I realized I was triggered and I just shut my mouth and went into deep breathing mode.

Needless to say, it was up to me to recover my handle on things and then carefully try to make sense of what was going on. You see, before when my husband was alive, he had the patience of a saint, he'd let me spin out of control while he sat and logic - ed his way through everything and then tried to appeal to my sense of reason. He "handled" me. She has no clue how to handle crisis situations with me, she falls too easily into the spin and gets swept away by her own emotions. Maybe it was the paramedic in him, we'd always had to give our own emotions a backseat in crisis situations. Now I see, it's going to be up to me to "handle" myself...tough situation to be in.

So, if I'm counting successes, I calmed myself, regained control of my logic centers and was able to think through the problem. I used an online chat help line and got the situation settled, (with a subtle threat to sever services with them), I will only be responsible for a quarter of what the bill says. WHEW.

My earlier day, dealing with the car insurance people? No, @scout86, this is not the last I will deal with them. They still need to discuss the paperwork with me next week, the agent will come to my house because I have difficulty dealing with this and I would not be comfortable going out to their office. I was in tears on the phone, so I hope she's prepared for me to be a complete mess when she comes here. I'm interpreting their policy reiteration as I won't qualify (so why even bother to file), but I want to discuss this with her in person when she comes here.

It kept running through my mind today, "he didn't die during the normal use of his vehicle, he put it in park, put a shotgun to his side and he pulled the damned trigger." In all honesty, that is a thinking error. I'm assuming facts that I couldn't know. I don't know if he pulled the trigger, if he arranged some way to trigger the gun or if it accidentally discharged and he killed himself accidentally. God, you see, this scenario plays out in my mind, that he was having second thoughts, he pulls off the road, hits a bump on the soft shoulder and the stupid gun went off! Horrible, horrible, horrible scenario that bothers me to no end.

I have to keep reminding myself, I CANNOT know what went on in those minutes after he left our bedroom. All I can know is what I saw. I saw him get out of bed, I saw him walk around to my side of the bed, I heard him ask me if I needed anything and when I said no, he simply walked out of the room. He didn't slam any doors, he didn't say anything else, he didn't indicate to me in any way that he was anything but in physical discomfort and tired from just waking up. I CAN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE IN THAT CAR.

My husband is dead. My husband shot himself. I'm calling him a suicide based on the state of mind he was in the day before and the fact that there was NO REASON for that weapon to have left our house and there was NO REASON for him to have left our house that morning. Uggh. This is just so hard to wrap my head around. I'm sorry if I keep saying it over and over, but because of all of this administrative crap I have to sift through, the reality of this has yet to set in. How and why does society dictate that we have to deal with all of this stuff when we're still reeling and numb?

Sadly, what this is telling me is that getting my Will drawn up and my own personal "affairs" in order is absolutely essential because we can definitely die in the blink of an eye. If I wasn't afraid of that before, I sure as hell am now. I have a Will kit ready to dive into once his estate is settled. I have notes to change all of my beneficiaries as soon as possible on all finance accounts - with my sister and I almost getting hit head on by another car the other day, this is my next PRIORITY. I do not want someone to inherit an administrative nightmare from me. At my saddest point today, I said, once my affairs are settled, then maybe I can rest...and the little dark voice in my head said, "permanently"...and I got scared realizing just how depressed I may get in future.

I'm scared for my future....again!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Eventually you will begin to learn who you are alone and I think that you are incredibly strong on the inside. I too worried about my future so I made my burial arrangments and got a living will. It truly was a huge wake up call for me.

 

[NarcSis]

I will go to pick up a cheque to cover funeral expenses from the insurance company today, this will go into the bank and then be transferred immediately to my Visa...no interest on that bill and the funeral will be taken care of once and for all. I'm a little p'd off at his mom, so last night when I saw her email to me, I didn't want to open it but I thought to myself, he warned me, I'm not getting anything that wasn't expected.

My sister and I had planned to go for a short easy hike today but my therapist has moved my tele-appointment back an hour, so it may cut into our ability to get out to the hike location. We're going north to visit friends tomorrow. Sadly I'm looking forward to the day she leaves, she's going overnight to her place on Tuesday and it's like I can't really have a good normal cry until that day. I just want to be alone for a little while and let it out as loud and hysterically as I need to without being shushed or comforted. Besides, having two women in this house costs way more than it did to have my hubby here - showers are longer, there's more laundry to be done, toilet paper gets used quicker, there's twice the dishes to wash, the lights are always on, she doesn't eat the food I eat and I'm hating hearing, "yuck, isn't there something else?". Can you tell I'm worried about finances???

I just want to try to be ME and get used to this being alone and finding my other supports away from her for a bit here. With my luck, the doctor will sign her off work for another two weeks!!

I've got to try to relax about the finance stuff. I will have his pension income soon. I don't know what the hold up is on his work life insurance, but I'm really hoping that can come down the pipe soon so I no longer have to worry about this mortgage. Once that is settled and I have some kind of income then I can begin to plan a direction with some relative safety, even if that means starting to volunteer again or a part-time /seasonal job on a farm or in a garden center. I have this need to be outdoors and since I no longer have a routine of looking after him, I have to find another routine in my life.

That being said, I'm talking big here. I still have social anxiety issues but it's now going to come down to whats necessary vs. what what I want from life. Time will tell.

I have people around me but that emptiness inside doesn't go away. That loneliness is like a lead weight in my heart. I keep asking myself, "Why him? Why not me? He was worth more." Depressive, huh?

Today is deep breathing day and a hike if I can get there. I so need that hike.

 

[NarcSis]

Picking up the cheque took all of 3 minutes and then 5 minutes in the car crying and trying to pull myself together.

At the bank I burst out crying in front of the teller then quickly ducked out to the car where it was another 5 minutes trying to calm myself.

From there it was off to the park for a short but much needed hike with my sister. I didn't cry there, instead I felt comforted. I felt even better when two Hawks began to circle high above us crying out. I was awestruck. They danced together in the sun high above us for a long time calling out so beautifully it just made my heart feel so peaceful. As they began to soar away behind the trees, the smaller one began to flap his wings and sort of paused there and I thought, "Is that you? I miss you. Can you feel me?"

I cried a bit more when I got home. It's so hard to accept being "alone" for really the first time in my entire adulthood. It's so hard to fathom that he killed himself.

 

[stillstanding2]

I felt even better when two Hawks began to circle high above us crying out. I was awestruck. They danced together in the sun high above us for a long time calling out so beautifully it just made my heart feel so peaceful. As they began to soar away behind the trees, the smaller one began to flap his wings and sort of paused there and I thought, "Is that you? I miss you. Can you feel me?"

Damn. My mouth dropped open when I read this message. The hair still tingles on the back of my neck.

Exactly the same thing happened to me on my last day before retirement. My last ten years there had been horrible. Nasty office politics began right after losing my wife. But throughout the work struggles, I had always felt my wife helping me through it all. Most of my friends had retired or betrayed me for political points, so I had made it clear that I wanted no token going away party. I said good-bye to some who mattered and took my desk stuff to my car. It was a state office building and I had parked on the circle around the flagpole. Standing there, I cried alone over so much that had happened.

Then I heard a shrill call above me, and looking up, I saw a matched pair of Cooper's hawks, soaring in overlapping circles high above the flag as if singing to me. The sun shone through their feathers as they did the dance and song you described, and I could only let more tears flow, seeing them as a grand sign that in fact I was not alone, that "we" had made it through another hardship and would go on. They gave us our party, and soared away together.

Thank you so much.

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 My heart goes out to you. I've said this before and I'll say it again, "I think of you everyday". I pray your agony that you feel eases over time.

You will get through this. Keep reminding yourself of that, even when it feels like you won't, you will. Reading your posts you are one of the strongest people I know.

Peace and comfort to you my friend.

With lots of hugs.

Heather

 

[NarcSis]

We went out to lunch with old friends today. It was hard. We'd just had lunch with them a week before my husband killed himself. Uggh, I have to get used to "saying" that. He didn't just die, he killed himself, totally different element to it. Anyway, I pasted that smile on but I kept thinking of him, kept getting sad during lunch. I feel bad distracting, almost like I shouldn't be "hiding" that pain from anyone. Aww, hell, I want everyone to see it. I don't want people to say, "Oh she's doing FINE." because really, I'm not.

It hurts like hell in my chest. I feel utterly lonely and that word, lonely, doesn't even cut it, I don't know what that is I'm feeling. It's deep in my chest and in my guts, it's heavy, like lead and it just sits there being whatever it is. I just wish I could vomit it out and get rid of it.

I was beyond exhausted when we got home. I didn't want to smile. I didn't want to eat dinner. My entire body felt tired again, just totally devoid of energy, heavy fatigued limbs and an overall sensation of severe depression. I just wanted to lay on the couch and sleep, so I took a nap. My sister let me sleep for about an hour before she woke me up to eat something. I wasn't hungry but I ate some food. After that, i tried to watch the hockey game but I just wanted to sleep, so we came upstairs - have I been able to sleep? Nope.

I feel like I need to talk to someone, like really talk this whole thing out with a real person...who is not my sister. My one friend who I felt I could confide in (who suddenly came back after he died) is about to have a second child, so no way am I going to stress her by talking about this stuff. My other former partner, well, I just don't feel I can confide in her with anything really heartfelt, she's more a "distraction" person. I'm getting tired of distraction people.

He was my heart to heart person - the only one I've ever really known. I told him things I'd never tell my sister. I'm getting tired of pasting on a smile, pretending everything is okay, fake laughing and having distraction conversations about weather and ridiculous things when inside I feel like I'm boiling and about to meltdown. I really need to sit down and just be completely human with someone - just tell my side of it, talk about my anger, my sorrow, my grief, my emotions and have those emotions without someone judging them or deeming them inappropriate. I don't want those things to get inside me and fester, they need to come out. What is so wrong with people expecting you to be "strong" where strong means not showing emotion and trudging forward with your head down???

I hate people asking, "So how are you doing now?" because to them, it's been a while right? To me, it was just last week. He's dead. He shot himself. I can't understand how a person like him could fall into the pit so suddenly and succeed in dying. I know the stats. I know the circumstances but even knowing that doesn't make it feel any better for me. He's still gone. I'm still alone in this world. Who the hell is going to fix the toilet when it breaks!!??

How am I doing? I'm not doing okay. The tasks are done. The admin stuff is winding down. I feel this urge to keep doing and doing and doing so that I don't have to stop and think about this on my own. People will be going away now. I'm going to need them now. If only to just place a sandwich by my head and make sure I drink some water on occasion. I feel ashamed for even thinking that. I'm supposed to be learning how to be Independent and stand on my own two feet, but I know just how f'ing lonely that is going to be.

So many people have said, "Call me if you need anything; anything okay? I'll come." but I know they won't. They're all shift workers - who would drop a shift to come babysit a depressed crying grown adult lump of flesh?? That would be a total drag. People work. They can't come. Mobile Crisis? Uhhh, they only come if you're suicidal, not if you're being lump depressive.

I just tried a Chat Crisis Support. It was kind of ridiculous, I felt rushed and like I wasn't allowed to "talk" too much about what was bothering me - so instead I asked them to look up survivors of suicide support groups. They couldn't find any, but they gave me numbers of local services to try who might know. I've tried them all already. No one seems to offer suicide survivor support here in my local area, it's only available in the cities I can't go to and another city further away - I'm not made of money.

How could there be nothing in my local area? Does no one else kill themselves here? He couldn't have been some kind of anomaly here in "Pleasantville".

I left a message with a victim services organization in another local town to see if they can help me - they're only staffed M-F 9-5....because crisis keeps business hours, right?

It reminds me of my fiasco with trying to get help with my trauma 8 years ago - crisis line counsellors who had no clue how to deal with my issue, and an EAP system that was a complete joke. I wasted time with them, precious time that apparently is key in recovering from trauma. Now I want help with dealing with my spouse having committed suicide and there doesn't seem to be anything local that can even help me with that. I just shake my head, what else can I do?

Apparently on the victim services website they are supposed to do follow up with the "client" to ensure that they are coping okay after a violent crime or homocide/tragedy. I've had no one contact me in any way. So we'll see how they react when they get my email Monday morning that asks why, after my husband shot himself and they attended to me on scene, did they not follow up to see if I was even safe? He Killed Himself. The stats scream about the sudden increased risk in family members during that immediate crisis phase 0-6 months after the event and they "let me fall through the cracks"? Nope. Unacceptable.

Uggh. More of me lecturing people about how to do their jobs. Do I get frustrated much?

I think I need some help now. I need a serious safety plan and I need people, real people (no offence anyone, I still need you too) to connect with and talk with about this.

 

[joeylittle]

He didn't just die, he killed himself, totally different element to it.

I'd like to encourage you to see that both things are true, and they can be separated. He died. That is one loss, all by itself. He killed himself - that is the how, and it's a very difficult one. I remember reading somewhere that when people grieve sudden violent death (of any kind - suicide, homicide, disaster), they need to emotionally process both sides of it: the death of their loved one, which is a huge loss, and the way they died, which is a huge shock.

My one friend who I felt I could confide in (who suddenly came back after he died) is about to have a second child, so no way am I going to stress her by talking about this stuff.

She came back after he died, though - so maybe she wants to be there to listen? We all know that hearing about other peoples' lives is often very therapeutic for us to be distracted from our own, and for us to feel like we are doing good in the world. Reach out to her.

Call me if you need anything; anything okay? I'll come." but I know they won't. They're all shift workers - who would drop a shift to come babysit a depressed crying grown adult lump of flesh??

Something you can do - and it's really hard that you have to do this, it would be so much better if people knew this - is write that group of people an email and tell them that you need help putting structure into your life, and they can help you do that by organizing themselves into shifts. That they can think of you as housebound, or any other analogy that makes sense to them, in terms of just needing to do regular check-ins. That someone could contribute just by making you some meals you can freeze, because when you eat those meals you'll know they came from someone who supports you. If they thought of the day as needing 2 check ins, so that's 14 check ins per week, and could just make a schedule and plan on stopping by for a coffee, a chat, even to go out to a movie.

People really do want to help, and they don't know how, which is why they are eager for you to tell them. And you are right to want to be practical about it, and to be conscious of not burning them out. But I think if you can ask them to pull together coverage for a month, it would probably make a big difference for you - in fact, I'm sure it would - and for them, they can know that they are part of a team helping you.

There are some care co-ordination websites that exist for exactly this reason. I'll see if I can find some recommendations.

I think I need some help now. I need a serious safety plan and I need people, real people (no offence anyone, I still need you too) to connect with and talk with about this.

It's great that you can be this clear about this.

Safety plan: do you have a therapist? You need one. Until you get one, you need to think about who you can make a promise to that you will absolutely feel bound by. You're going to promise that person that you will get yourself to the hospital before you harm yourself. You also need a list of five people who are willing to take a call from you in the middle of the night, and they need to know they are all part of your crisis plan. It might even work to make the promise to all 5 (I did this once, and it was helpful for me). Because when you are in real need, and you are alone, you will likely not get through to four of those people - they will be busy. But one of them always will be free. Finally, if you have an idea of a suicide method for yourself, or a form of self-harm, you need to just take a deep breath and remove your access to the method, somehow. PM me if I can help more with that.

I know it's a lot of work, and it's depressing to have to do this much work when all you want is for people to be able to effortlessly help you. Just remember, that if you can put a system into place, the help will then become effortless for them, and it's a good thing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please pm me if you need to talk, vent, cry etc. Hugs.

 

[NarcSis]

I've been trying to contact local resources to try to even get an idea if I can connect with some people who've lost spouses or family to suicide - so far no luck, the three emails I sent out today came back with out of office replies until next week! I'm hating March Break right now.

@joeylittle, my original trauma has to do with pregnancy so right now, I'm not really feeling comfortable associating with my ex-partner because she's due any week now with her second child. She was also a coworker of his, so her coming to me during this time is not surprising, his death took all of his coworkers by surprise - who best to go to for more information? Me, former friend and partner. I assume once her second child arrives I won't be hearing from her again, I can't see her lugging two kids around just to visit with me. There is also that huge stumbling block for me getting help - hospitals, my original trauma associates with work, so hospitals are something I just won't voluntarily do on my own, it would be far more distressing than helpful and this is why I need to find a support system in the community.

I just find it so frustrating that there isn't something that just says, "Survivors of Suicide Support Group" in my area - he's not the only suicide in this area for crying out loud. It's like these things are some kind of guarded secret or something.

Today, I've only had one crying episode, but I am feeling anxious like I need to speak to someone - I just don't want to speak to someone while my sister is still here, it will just make her more nervous and anxious if she hears me talking to a crisis worker about suicide. I will call the crisis line on Tuesday while she's gone.

My therapist is via phone and skype because she's not local (2,1/2hr drive to her office) but I have a long term relationship with her so she knows me and how proactive I am in my own self care, this is why she is suggesting I establish local community supports and draft up a suicide safety plan. She agrees that the complications due to the PTSD really make dealing with this suicide and loss more complex. Are there any apps that anyone knows of that offer support in post suicide cases?

I've been looking at pictures of him trying to remember the good times we had but right now, I look at those photos and I'm blank. I feel nothing. It's like looking at a picture of a stranger. I can't feel what he was like. I can't feel him. I try to imagine doing what I used to always do, touch his hair, mess it up or rub the nape of his neck after he'd cut his hair but i can't even remember what that felt like. It's frightening and disturbing to me that I can't remember the feel of these sensations anymore. Right now, I only remember him cold and lifeless.

I'm angry. I'm confused about why I'm even angry. I'm confused about why I can't just stay positive, why I'm focusing on the bad and not being able to recall the good stuff. I'm doing the usual self blame stuff, "was it my fault?" or "am I being punished somehow, is that why my life is going to crap?" I'm feeling guilt because I remember the days when I was frustrated with him and angry and wished he would just go to work or get out of my life and leave me alone - now he's gone and I realize just how much I never meant any of those things I thought when I was angry with him. All of the complaints? They were all pretty petty. I was so selfish and yet, I told him every day, several times a day that I loved him. He told me that I made his life better....and I think that is why I'm so confused, I never realized that was conditional, what condition expired and made his life suddenly not worth living? I want him to tell me. Give me an explanation, but I'll never get that and I hate that fact.

I used to complain that he was always on his computer and he would tell me that his computer was his way of "escaping" in the same way that hiking made me feel better, playing his computer games made him feel calm...or so he told me. If you examined his game playing habit, he should have been the most calm person in the whole world. He wasn't into war games, he used to be, but mostly he played building games like minecraft. I used to feel shut out of his life because he was always on that computer but when he'd put it away and interact with me, everything was perfect, happy and loving. Sure, we had fights, in our early days we had screaming fights - at least, I had screaming episodes, he simply held me and tried to appeal to logic and I'd just want to hit him, so instead I'd take off, go driving and this triggered him to how his Dad took off on him when he was a kid. When he told me that, i just stopped running away. Instead we'd get passively aggressive with one another, pouting, slamming things around, leaving the room and then hours later, we'd just let it go and resume our life.

We'd had no fights in the weeks and months before he died. The last time I think he got really frustrated with me was in October and he left the house early and went to work. I knew he was stressed with his new partner, I knew that was a huge strain on him, he felt the guy was incompetent, he even suggested the guy was intellectually challenged and probably shouldn't have ever been hired. It put A LOT of stress on him. Then came the requirement for cardiac testing to maintain his driver's licence all over a stupid benign arrhythmia he'd already had for a decade or so. That added to his stress. Then the assault at work and the rib pain which aggravated an already pre-existing neck injury from work. he wasn't sleeping properly. He was under and extreme amount of stress. He was desperate to get rid of his pain. He went to physiotherapy AND was also seeing an osteopath for his neck pain. Physiotherapy dislocated one of his ribs, it was visible (why didn't I take a picture of that!?) and refused to believe him and he walked around like that for TWO WHOLE WEEKS before they did anything for him. They blamed him. Then they popped the rib back in and sent him for an X-ray (bastards!), so of course there was no evidence of injury! His rib pain was far worse than from the initial assault. Then they told him he had an enlarged heart and tried to blame that fact for his rib pain!!!! This is what sent him over the edge. This was the straw that broke this camel's back. He came home in crisis from that appointment.

My poor husband was destroyed. He was angry. He was worried. He was still in pain. He was depressed. He was crying. He was withdrawn and ruminating. He was saying things that didn't make sense, like "would if I've already had a heart attack?" just spewing out these HUGE thinking errors and he would not hear me when i tried to reassure him that he was going to be okay. In his head, life was never going to be okay again, he was going to lose his licence and his job and everything we'd worked so hard for.

it was how I felt when workers comp terminated me and gave up on me. My life was over. I was never going to recover from the PTSD at that time. I wanted to die and just stop being such a burden on the world. In those moments I was defective and not worth anything in this life. In those final moments, I know this is how he felt. I know he felt his life was already over anyway, so what difference would it make to die?

It made a lot of difference - TO ME. It "solved" all of his problems but it just created so many more for me. I'm not "free" of him, I'm stumbling in the aftermath of him. He didn't prepare to die. He didn't think it through. He didn't make sure I was going to be okay. He just got lost in his head, walked out of this house and likely thinking he was saving me the experience of more trauma, killed himself alone on the side of an empty road. I never wanted him dead. I never wanted to be alone. I loved him with everything I had...

it wasn't enough to prevent this. It's never enough to prevent this. It swallows us up so quickly...if he'd just gone limp like I do and screamed and screamed, eventually the phase would pass...it always does for me. He knew that. He'd watched me go through it. How did it get him??? How?

He was worth so much. I told him every day what he was worth to me. God this pain. This pain is unbelievable.