Supporter My Husband Has Ptsd And Has Found Another Girlfriend? Please Help

[zazazawa]

Hi! everyone. My husband has severe PTSD from being in the car and watching his mother get crushed by a semi tipping over. He screamed divorce to me about 4 months blaming everything on me and our marriage. He keeps going in between "just give me time to fix myself and ill be back. Dont worry!" to "i cant stand u and I want a divorce". Im so psychotic about this and havnt been able to leave him alone. I love him more than anything and I refuse to let this go since we got married 2 yrs ago, after the crash. Well about 3 weeks ago I started questioning him again (he hates that). and he said he is IN LOVE with another girl that they fell in love just a couple months ago since they used to work together. He wants me to let me go he said. The same time I was on the phone with him he started hysterically crying talking about how his mother asked him to "help her" right before she died. All he could do was cradle her head and body he said. The reason for dating this other girl is because she doesn't bring the anger out in him like I do since he is very sick. He finally made an appt with a pyschologist and a pyschiatrist for tomorrow. He wants a divorce but I do NOT want one. I miss him terribly and this is seriously killing me.I cant eat and hardly sleep. We were madly in love for 7 yrs and he just went off the deep end completely. He's very violent when I talk to him or get near him. He's destroyed my car, his car and walls in our house, but he is moved out now. I love him so much and want him back so we can work on our problems. Of course after he gets help. My therapist that has known both of us for 8 yrs says to NOT divorce him and that LOVE with the other woman is pretty much just Infatuation. She thinks I should NOT contact him for up to a year and see if things change once he gets his mental help.
What do you think? Im going psycho and its so hard to let him go. He's my best friend, companion and lover. Please help with any advice.

 

[zazazawa]

Also he says that he cant come home because our condo was got 1 week before the crash happened and then he payed it off with his mothers "death" money. So even if he wants to see me he wont stay or come in this house for more than about 30 min. If im here or not. It seems like hes so mad at me because Ive been the closest one to him ever since his mother got killed so Im sure I remind him of it too thats why he's going to another girl that doesnt have anything to do with his past. I really dont believe that he "loves" this girl or has slept with her. He's going through so much pain and Im dying cause he's abandoned me and I cant help him right now.

 

[AdamAnt]

Welcome to the forum zazazawa. Do some reading here and I think you'll find your therapist correct in where your husbands head is...sad as that is. If you have the patience you can do it, but it's gonna take A LOT of understanding. If you love him and aren't afraid of that year or so of not knowing, you just may make it. There's a lot of info, some great people who will understand what you're dealing with here. Check out the articles on the homepage for sure, lots of info there.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but admire you for not giving up....

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of educational information and support here. And many people that can relate to your situation.

Jawn

 

[Dalager]

Hi and welcome to the forum, I'm also new here, but I've been treating others with PTSD for about a year now.
Your story is'nt uncommon, i have heard it many times.
He is frustrated about not being able to help his mother, you are the closest person and bring the frustration back in him and that's why you get the blame
But start reading there are many good articles here and other places on the net.
if you want to stay with him, you got to have a lot of patience, with this diagnose you don't have much energy for other, but he can get better

 

[Deleted member 541]

You may not like what I have to say.....Your husband has PTSD....It's real, it's awful, and it hurts.......He has told you that he no longer wants to stay in the relationship with you, and whether it is him talking or the PTSD talking, you simply must back off. By trying to hold onto him, and contacting him, it only pushes him further and further away.....He is asking for space, give him that respect and give him his space....I know this isn't easy for you, and I can empatize with your situation, but having PTSD myself, when people don't respect my boundaries, and give me space I have asked for, then THEY pay the price, because I have clearly stated what I need......I usually just walk away from the relationship, because my needs are being ignored, for their own selfishness.....

As far as his anger/rage and destroying cars, and the walls in your home...His behavior is unacceptable. We have a saying here, "PTSD is never an excuse for bad behavior." But the damage is already done, and he has moved out....I am sorry that you are going through this, I really am, but please give him his space... If he comes back, then try to work on things, but until then, take care of yourself, and try to get on with your life......

 

[kabeh394]

January 6 will be one year, he just got engaged. No contact for nearly one year, (end of January), he bailed on me, our commitments, his promises to me and our future together. Emotionally, as well as financially, it has been a very trying and draining twelve months. I feel the same about "new person", it's not love, but the idea that our four years meant nothing to him despite the love, affection, attentiveness, and tenderness tells me that I have no clue what love looks like, obviously!

I'm currently single, both by choice and because I have yet to meet anybody of any real quality or potential for long term commitment.

My biggest question is this new relationship developed and progressed just five days after my exit from our family home and barely a week after he refused in patient treatment at a VA facility. He was there for 16 days so the reason he was there was no secret.

Who engages in a relationship with somebody in that situation? Next, what makes this person think this ring/bond/commitment will be any different than the promise he made and broke with me? And/or whats to say he will not leave "new person" in the exact same circumstances he left me? I couldn't enter into a relationship with those circumstances, but that is just me!

I think of myself with few expectations but clear boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behavior. My family doesn't understand PTSD. His family is totally supportive of this new relationship but his mom kinda "runs the roost" so to speak, nobody dares cross her (except me) if that tells you anything.

His mother and I were sitting across from the doctor last January when the PTSD diagnosis was "put out there". As soon as he left the room, this woman looked at her son and said "it's not PTSD". She has a degree in psychology but a doctor she is not! She has her own issues with trauma and she and her son have an awkward relationship to say the least, heaven forbid his behavior should reflect badly upon her.

As a young boy, he was molested by a live in relative for an entire year, nobody knew. I'm not sure that is possible without warnings or at least general suspicion warranting further investigation, especially for somebody who was molested herself.

When he was twelve, his parents divorced, his mother abandoned him and took his little brother to live in another state while the ex stayed with his father, to this day, she is justified in that behavior.

Back to my point, the advice to be patient sucks but it is sound advice and while I have many theories about shoulda, coulda, woulda. It seems like the more I learn about PTSD, the more I realize I have a very limited understanding of the disorder as a whole.

I watched the man I love in a video, with a ring, one knee, the whole bit. He appeared numb, forced, expected, (it's amazing what you see when you know what to look for), but again, that's just my perspective. No comment about being happy, or in love, or any of the other cliche's that go along with "happily ever after". I find myself asking if that's good enough for me now, somebody else's sloppy seconds. Add to that this is a man who now knows something is wrong, and instead of wrapping things up the honorable way with me, getting help, and giving himself the tools and time to "heal", he ran to this other person, left me high and dry, and continues to "toy with people's emotions".

In my opinion, that isn't only cruel, it's sick (guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree). I'm not going to lie, I'm still bitter, this experience has been horrendous, I am seeking help for me, my perspective of the reality of how much work it would take to forgive him for anybody other than myself has set in. In that capacity, I can't fathom a friendship, let alone a relationship!

This is a huge undertaking for even the most sane person and I assure you, I am not without my flaws. Please, as hard as it seems, help yourself first!

 

[Pinkcake]

I'm glad to hear that you are seeking help for you too.

You are giving the other woman too much credit. You are assuming that she's mentally stable and healthy. She may have the thought in her head that she can fix him. She can change what you could not. That SHE is the savior. It's a codependent issue. She's likely going to go down the same path you did. Since he won't get help, she is going to be that distraction for him, until she's not and he finds someone else or he gets help.

I have PTSD after watching my father die. After my father asked for help and no one could help him. It's hard. I'm struggling.

 

[a3a2]

I'm sorry. You do not deserve this. The reality is, though, that you can't help him unless he sees the problem and wishes to address it himself (instead of blaming it on you). I am glad you were strong enough to get out before he really physically hurt you, and I fear for the woman he is marrying.

I don't remember who said it above, but they were right. Get help. Cry. Grieve. And move on with your life. Perhaps someday he'll find healing, but it cannot be dependent on you.

 

[Hashi]

He's very violent when I talk to him or get near him. He's destroyed my car, his car and walls in our house,

At the moment, it's safer for you to be away from him and have no contact. However much you're missing the person he was before and the relationship you had before, this is what you have now. It's unacceptable, damaging to your own mental health, and you're at risk.

I hope that things will change, but he has to make the change. You can't do it for him. However much you want to support him, it would be unhealthy for both of you to support him with his current behaviour.

I'm sorry. It must be awful.