My Ignorance.

[Miss_Understood]

Sometimes it seems like my life is on a skipping record, always going in circles.

I realize I need to change, and I try for a few days then I fall back into the same patterns only to repeat it in a month or two.

Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results, in that definition I am insane. I'm intelligent enough to realize I need help but I push it away when it's offered.

I'm ignorant, plain and simple. I'm too old (28) to constantly be wondering if I made the right decision, if I could of handled it differently. I badger myself to be a better person to be kind, caring, compassionate, selfless and love unconditionally but more often than not I'm domineering, selfish, rude, arrogant, and childish.

I need a lot of help.

 

[arfie]

I am almost 60 and still doubting by-gone decisions. Especially when my 33 year-old-son launches into his blame game over how my decisions from his infancy are responsible for all his bachelor woes...

I have grown convinced that repetitive cycles are part of life. To quote Harry Chapin,
"All my life's a circle
"Sunrise to sunset
"The moon rolls through the night time
"Till the daybreak rolls around."

I have come to see my recovery as a spiral staircase. Yes, I keep arriving to the same spots in the cycle over nd over again, even when I move my staircase to another continent. I have done exactly that and the cycles moved with me. After I stopped trying to dump the staircase all together, I began to notice that my perspective has changed a bit with each go-round. That very definition of insanity is what justified moving to other continents. I still accept it as a good definition of insanity, but by my third continent I was open to accepting that I don't get to wake up a brand new person, either. Attempting to re-write my life had become my new repetition. I seem to get further by working with one dysfunctional detail at a time.

Great art is produced by working with the materials at hand...

 

[blackemerald1]

Miss_Understood join the rest of the world! Well at least the thoughtful ones in it.

I try hard to be a good person, you know be thoughtful, kind etc blah blah but I get angry and hostile and indignant at the intolerance of other people and I just want to tell them what total 'tools' they are when I should be telling myself everyone makes mistakes etc.

I am so over trying to be nice to people who do not deserve it. That might sound arrogant but if I do not constantly stick up for myself I get trodden on like the 'running of the bulls'. It is ridiculous that people think their agenda is more important than mine therefore they do irritating and stupid things that range from the trivial such as barging in front of me in a cue to driving like a maniac and risking MY life.

I think it is nice to have a quiet life, and it is good to aspire to be a better person, but not at the expense of your own self worth. Put yourself first, love yourself first and maybe it will get easier. That's all I do.

cheers
blackemerald1

 

[Miss_Understood]

I've just become everything I hate. Here I sit feeling like the world owes me something when I know hiw illogical that is. I know that everything is a direct result of my actions. Sometimes I feel like just giving up because I feel like I'm running 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction. I'm not happy, I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I feel like I put myself first too much, I feel utterly selfish, like I don't bring anything to the table, I just push others away them wonder why I'm sitting all alone. I feel like a child.

 

[arfie]

My over-developed sense of responsibility sure came roaring to the surface when I read your last entry, Miss Understood. Taking responsibility for stuff over which I have no control fits neatly within knowing that everything is a direct results of my actions. I can't help but feel like an idiot child when I burden myself with having written my own DNA and a host of other expectations I heaped on myself.

Not saying this is what you are doing. Just what your words triggered from my own journey.

Whatever the whatevers of it, you are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think you're too old to be worrying if you've made the right decision. I don't see it as a childish thing. Some just make decisions a bit easier than others. I have one of those rumination type minds where I second guess EVERYTHING. My mind gets stuck and it's difficult to stop ruminating. I've had luck with medications, but couldn't deal with the side effects. I'm currently taking a homeopathic supplement that seems to help, without the side effects. It's nice for my mind to get a rest from the worrying and rumination and second-guessing.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I'm not on anything currently, I can't afford it, I can't even afford a therapist which I know I need. I know that I'm not well. I do use cannabis to help with some of the symptoms. I'm really trying to not fall back into unhealthy habits, however I feel like no matter what I'm going to fail, which I know is probably making my situation worse.

I've become a wet blanket. When I open up to others which is hard I constantly berate myself thinking that it makes me weak, when I know logically that holding on to these negative emotions and internalizing everything is ultimately going to lead to my demise.

I know I have made so many mistakes, I know I make excuses to justify the way I act. I expect way too much of others and don't reciprocate. I know I'm imperfect and broken, falling short of my goals. I'm not happy, I hate my job, I feel like I'm working my life away for a thankless job where I'm constantly told how I'm not good enough which results in me feeling more worthless than I already do. The dark dragon in my heart is strong, he's always there telling me how I've failed, telling me I'm worthless, jaded and unworthy of happiness.

My wife is done dealing with a child as she puts it, and I don't blame her. I've been emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, dishonest about how I truly feel. She had an emotional affair on me and it hurts incredibly bad, I never thought she would hurt me like this, I already have a hard time trusting people and for her to do this makes me feel like she doesn't love me. Yet, she stays with me which makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for feeling this way.

I want more and I know I shouldn't. I want people to give me sympathy, I want them to understand I know I am wrong,and I am trying it better myself, I want her to acknowledge that I am doing the best I can at each moment.

It's easier for me to communicate with you folks than it is in real life. I can say my true feelings here because I can hide behind the words I've arranged into sentences.

I'm kind of all over the place, I'm sorry,, if it's hard to follow. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel lost.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I badger myself to be a better person to be kind, caring, compassionate, selfless and love unconditionally but more often than not I'm domineering, selfish, rude, arrogant, and childish.

I think everybody in society would like to be like this (if we were all like this, the world would be a weird place: everything perfect, I can almost picture the unicorns :p). Maybe those with traumatic experience are even more ambitious because for us it's a kind of way of proving that we are different from self -centered abusers. But it's an impossible goal. You can't reach perfection, is what I think: you can reach yourself. And I for one don't really know who I am yet, but I guess it's about the road of discovery.

I have days where I loathe myself as much as you do, where I just want to run away from myself screaming because inside I feel extremely volatile, arrogant and contemptious. These last couple of months I don't feel so much like that anymore. I think I've started to accept that I feel this way and that it's natural. But I need to take it out on a boxing bag, or scream my contempt into a pillow, rather than focusing it on the world around. You don't have to be overly nice to people who are not close to you, just the basic social rules seem fine...and as for people who don't deserve it, I try to politely ignore them.

We probably all fall back into the same patterns, over and over, like the staircase arfie described. I'd like to extend the metaphor... true, the staircase feels exactly the same as we walk it. So much that sometimes it just feels like a prison. But also every time we walk higher, we reach newer levels. And on every new level we encounter the same old problem, but we're not exactly the same person anymore. Everytime the problem repeats we can gain more insight into it and develop ways to deal with it. So the way I see it, the staircase actually goes somewhere. I dare to hope...

PD: By "being yourself" I meant discovering who you really are. You are not anger and contempt and all those things, I believe. You are what remains if you peel all the negativity away, but also when you stop expecting that you achieve the impossible...

 

[shimmerz]

I believe the measure of these circular things are not about how often they happen but in keeping a log of how we deal with them. It takes a bit to get it right. Until we do the experiences will keep coming up. But don't forget the nuances in learning and paying attention to them. We improve each and every time once we are mindful that it is a challenge that we are presented to as a gift to be able to play it out just a bit better each time it comes up.

Be kind to yourself....allow yourself to see how far you have come. You wouldn't be here if you weren't trying your best. It is hard looking at ourselves.

Shimmerz