My Introduction...

[drgnfl2078]

hello. You know it is funny...all the ideas that run through your head in any given day or moment but the second you go to introduce yourself at a support group...well it all goes out the window. My name is Lynn. I am 32 years old and was diagnosed with PTSD about a year and a half ago. I was very surprised as I never thought of myself as a trauma victim, as I could never pin point one specific event that really messed me up. In fact I almost want to delete this and feel like I don’t belong here because I’m not a rape victim or war veteran. I never had any clue that the way I grew up was not normal, and more importantly I had no idea how much the things you’re exposed to as a youngster could have such an impact.

Does anyone else ever feel like you want to talk about what’s bothering you but you don’t even know yourself? And feel frustrated that when you finally think you can tell someone something but then it’s never the right time to do so, and then when it is the right time you can’t think of what it was that was bothering you? I thought if I joined an online support group…well I could talk about what I needed to as it came up like a journal.

 

[Kim]

PTSD is my "normal". I also suffered childhood trauma. The only difference for me is that I have a half brother and two half sisters that were treated much differently than I was growing up. I knew that the way I was being treated was not normal. I have suffered the effects of PTSD / Complex Trauma for as long as I can remember. I was only recently diagnosed but I always knew that there was something not right. Every time I hit what would be a speed bump in the road of life for other people I would find my life completely and utterly derailed. My head would fill with the voice of my mother saying all the hateful things she used to say to me as a child. My thoughts were not my own and I couldn't concentrate. When this happened I would become completely irrational.

I can relate to not wanting to talk to other people. For me the problem was trying to explain to someone what was going on in my head. If I had told someone that my head was full of "noise" from my childhood they would have thought I was crazy. It wasn't until after I was diagnosed that things finally began making sense and I could finally start telling my husband what it was like for me. Then there were times, like you, I didn't know what was going on.

Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of information here, as well as a lot of support and understanding.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum drgnfL, you did the right thing coming here and your feelings that your trauma is not as bad seems to be something many feel when they first start here. Take time to read some of the articles and different posts. I think Kim pretty well summed up everything, you will meet others who have also the same source of PTSD as you. This helps in a support group. Best of luck and will be reading your posts.

 

[drgnfl2078]

Thank you both for your welcome! I think for me it was never so much the crappy events of my childhood as much as when I saw myself being a jerk. (just saying that to strangers makes me tear up and have a hard time breathing). The long and short bluntness of it is...my father was a child abuser and he cheated on my mother. I always thought it was a horrible thing to do...and then one day I had an affair on my fiance. And then I saw myself like my father...and then PTSD hit me like a bus. And now as I check out various posts and see most of them are from the people that deal with those whom have PTSD...and how much it negatively affects them...well I feel more like a jerk and want to just go hide and be alone. Like maybe I'm just not capable of a decent relationship with anyone.

 

[Froggie]

((((drgnfL)))), you are feeling like many of us have felt when childhood upcoming was so hyper and confusing. There is no judgement here, as we all know, we judge ourselves very harshly. You are not a jerk, you taking a conscious view of your life and there are things that are bothering you. You are now able to re-adjust so that you can find respect for yourself, as you deserve that. Keep posting, this will help you sort out things. You can always make honorable amends for your errors. Take time to read the articles which explain PTSD, there are also threads/posts that help us laugh about our PTSD reactions. We still have that right you know ... to laugh ... Linking arms with you.

 

[Kim]

I agree with Froggie. I can also see things from your perspective. I was lucky enough to find a man who was willing and able to accept me the way I am. We have been together for almost 20 years now and I wasn't finally diagnosed until just under 2 months ago. As I said, PTSD is my "normal" and I have had it for as long as I can remember, which means there are times that I have put my husband through hell because of it. Yeah I feel guilty as hell about it once I become rational. Now that we know that I suffer from Complex Trauma it is finally making sense to both of us and he now understands where it was coming from. I always apologized for the crap I put him through but now he understands. If that makes sense.

Like Froggie says, we're a lot harder on ourselves than anyone else is. My husband couldn't possibly have beat me up any more than I have myself.