My Life Flipped 4 Years Ago

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today is the 4th anniversary of the car accident that literally flipped my life around. The accident itself was pretty serious and horrible. The car ended up on it's side. That's why I always say my life was literally flipped because after that things just kept getting worse. I learned I had DID and started recovering memories. It's been a long road and it's hard to believe it's been 4 years already. I feel like I am still just beginning this journey of sorting things out.

I had a really rough day yesterday. I self-harmed and spent the day in and out of sleep. I spent today's therapy session curled up and crying. I am afraid that a part overdosed on Tylenol yesterday, but I seem to be doing okay today. This part can make things seem real when they are not so it's really hard to tell. I hadn't cut in quite some time, but this part cut and banged my arm so it's all bruised.

I am trying not to dwell on the date, but my body and brain just keep holding onto it. I am going to try to do some sewing or art work to try to distract myself until my reiki session later.

Also, I have been trying to look at some of the good that has come into my life since the accident. We were able to build a house that fits our family better because of the money we got from the accident. I made a really good friend when I was in-patient. Coincidentally we were there together both times at this particular place. I have been able to write more poetry again after not having done so in a long time. And very slowly, I am learning to identify emotions and be able to allow myself to cry.

Today is just the start of the difficult months resulting from the car accident. I really remain in flashback mode and high anxiety mode until February because of all that came after the accident. I needed to post this here because I know people here understand and one thing that hasn't changed is that I still feel incredibly alone and abandoned and unlovable. Any words of advice or support are welcome.

 

[Silver.]

My brain is scrambled, so I don't think I can write out what I am thinking properly,
but I wanted to let you know that I have read what you are going through, and so sorry that happened to you.
I am sending you hugs and support x

 

[scout86]

Just wanted to say that "unlovable" sure wouldn't occur to me if I were asked to describe you! Brave? Definitely! Resolute? You bet! Determined? Yep! Someone who knows how to live & be loved? Pretty much!

When dealing with what I know is going to be a rough stretch, it always helps me to know the cause, and you do. And it helps to remember that it will be for a finite amount of time. And it will. This year may well be easier than last year was. You've come a long way and made significant progress. :hug:

 

[Pakadlangitok]

Had an accident too and it was bad. I already had PTSD. No settlement because I was already on Medicare. Look up the Medicare Set Aside. If you are on Medicare and get into a wreck, the money has to go to Medicare. Got many injuries, some of which can be seen and others which will need sugery which will disfigure me.

I try to see the good in it, there is hardly any. But I also met the kindest people. I am moving to a better place which would not have happened. I cannot ruminate since the head injury and that feels really good. It is the flip side of not being able to concentrate. So the PTSD got a little better because I cannot think about it all the time now!

I hope that we both improve and get better and better. Knowing I am really mortal (that becomes in the light when yuo have a wreck like that), I know that time is limited. Maybe we can both see the lovely things in each day. I always try to encourage everyone I see and I try to be a light. People who knew what I went through think I am an inspiration, though I feel like a failure. But if I make them smile, it makes me happy.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

People who knew what I went through think I am an inspiration, though I feel like a failure. But if I make them smile, it makes me happy.

Yes, I feel that way sometimes, too. I also feel misunderstood and shunned by people, but I have come to understand that a lot of people just don't know what to say or do and so I want to teach them. I am sorry that you had such a horrible car accident. Mine was bad, but I didn't get physically hurt, the other people in the car did though.

@scout86 , I cannot thank you enough for your kind posts and words of encouragement. You always seem to know just what to say and I have come to trust your words as truth even if I don't always believe them. Like I don't always believe I am lovable, but looking at things through your words, I can see that my viewpoint is clouded through my own PTSD experience.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Silver. , thank you for taking the time to share words of support. I really appreciate that.

 

[aut555]

You here are so brave. It's amazing how one little thing can impact life. I try to remind myself everyday about that. Now l smile everyday. I have been in four car accidents since trying to divorce ex. One accident, on the week of setting up temp alimony, the guy drove up on my driver side and intentionally turned into my car. He had to cross over the double traffic line just to do that. So sending compassion and care to all of you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I do not believe that most of us, ever get magically past our trauma anniversaries. However, for some of us, we can hold onto memories of many beautiful things as well within timelines. For example, I can tell you what I got for Christmas one year at 10 (off the top of my silver head) or 'our' song with my first boyfriend. I use to think it was a woman thang' (I know that can be construed as sexist but I don't care):hilarious:.

See, we as women, have more brain pathways that are active in our sleep than men when they are awake. Science and fact.:tup: So...goes to reason that our brains really, really cling to bits and pieces of trauma (in order to protect us on some odd level). So when my brain, gears into overload from dates...I thank my good little soldier and ask her to stand down for a bit, so I can give myself some compassion for surviving a horrible event.

Perhaps...you need to honor your survival during these times. Remind yourself how courageous you have been moving forward. Our strength is not always found by eliminating our weakness but sometimes by embracing it. Your accident indeed changed you and you are learning many things from an different perspective. Change...can be often scary but you have learned to adapt.

Believe in you as being a kind, gentle and one passionate woman and perhaps do not place a ruler by your progress. An healing journey is not a race...it is a moving forward quest.:hug::hug: