Sexual Assault My Main Trigger

[Blutarg]

Hi Blutarg,
How about you? What are your experiences if you feel comfortable sharing... xo

My dad used visual and audio pornography. I also had to play his sexual porn star fantasy role as a young teenager.
Like you I hate sexual talk when women are spoken of in a derogatory manner.
But I can't handle any form of near-nakedness/sensual that my partner(husband) might see on someone else. That's hectic because it's all over the media (TV/internet/magazines) and all around us in what people wear. So you can imagine?

How bad is your reaction?

What is your reaction to it? And How do you deal with it? I am interested to know.

 

[KAT]

Ezabella,
It was way more than just WRONG!!!!

Yea!! For wonderingwhy

 

[WonderingWhy]

:rolleyes: Thank You Kat
It still feels lacking to me.:confused: I don't think there exists a word that describes a person that commits such acts!!:stomp:

 

[Healingthehollow]

My dad used visual and audio pornography. I also had to play his sexual porn star fantasy role as a young teenager.
Like you I hate sexual talk when women are spoken of in a derogatory manner.
But I can't handle any form of near-nakedness/sensual that my partner(husband) might see on someone else. That's hectic because it's all over the media (TV/internet/magazines) and all around us in what people wear. So you can imagine?

How bad is your reaction?

What is your reaction to it? And How do you deal with it? I am interested to know.

:no: I thought I was so alone in this Blutarg... my guardian angel must have sent you to me :angel:

I am SO SORRY for what happened to you, it's beyond violation and abuse of every kind...
It literally makes me feel ill.

Have you told your husband what have happened to you regarding pornography?
I have told my partner and it was hard.

When I think, hear, see, hear about or even sense that someone around me is into it my physical response is to tighten all of my muscles and I seem to go into a state of defence... like I feel danger is around me so I'm getting ready to fight. I start shaking, my heart races and sometimes that results in panic attacks where I just... lose my absolute mind... screaming, crying, wanting to die, self harm, screaming, screaming, screaming.

My emotionally response is panic
if I'm around someone I can let my feelings out around I get agitated, aggressive, hostile, blaming, hyper vigilant, panicky, I start making little sense - well to them. in my head They have created the threat, the have brought the filth into my area and I feel as though I loathe the person
and I become very nasty and hurtful as a way of protecting myself from the danger I feel I am in.

How do you react? :affection:
xoxooxoxoxooxooxooxoxooxoxoxoxoox

 

[Blutarg]

Ezabella. I'm amazed! I felt like an alien on the planet! I had read of only one other person in someone's thesis who had similar symptoms to me regarding women/exposure. I was just becoming so exasperated and frustrated because I had nowhere to turn and didn't know how to deal with this trigger or myself anymore, to the point where I contemplated taking my life and just ending it all because nobody understands and it is just too much. I joined this forum in the hopes that I might find SOMEbody who has the same trigger, as bizarre as it is - and THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE!!! I just couldn't believe that it was possible. I told my husband: See, I'm NOT a total freak, it IS real. I am SO grateful to you for posting here - you HAVE to know that first.

My reactions are very much the same, except the screaming part I do in my head. I may shout obscenities at my partner if it has escalated that far. The self-loathing is really extreme and the hatred for the other women and my husband in that moment is mammoth. The emotional cascade is overwhelming and the humiliation is devastating, to the point (if unchecked) I would want to kill myself just to escape from it. It can be absolutely horrendous. I sometimes detatch from myself and go to another place where I feel safe. I call this my 'Alone place'. I can be there anything from hours to a couple of weeks. It sounds very strange, but that's how it is. I think that is just a protection mechanism.

I have managed to get things under control - to a point only! But it is taking a very great effort on my part and a lot of work in conjunction with a certain type of medication. The idea of the medication is to slow down the response process in the brain and that gives you time to cognitively deal with problem and process it. Another medication helps me to actually sleep :D. I used to have the most vivid and horrible nightmares and dreams, or I just didn't sleep! I was very averse to the idea of medication, but I can see it's effects now so I am beginning to believe that if it is managed right then it has a purpose.

I have started going back to my childhood and remembering and getting my stuff out - and in so doing, dealing with it, instead of leaving it all locked up in my mind. They say that that is the only way to heal all these things so I am trying it. Hopefully that will help me to deal with this trigger and maybe once I have a better understanding of me as a child/from a child's perspective, I'll have a better understanding of why I react so violently to women like I do.

What helps you and what do you do to help yourself in your situations?

I am so pleased that you came on here!! :dance: :hug:

 

[Leona]

Thanks for posting this....I don't know if this is a "trigger", but I do have constant flashbacks of pornography. The first way I was abused was being made to watch pornography when I was 14. I'd never seen anything like it before, and I had an immediate "freeze" reaction. I just froze solid, like my life depended on NOT MOVING. My "boyfriend" at the time...his father brought me up to his bedroom and showed it to me. He would be in bed in just his underwear. The father's girlfriend also liked to have me in the room to watch porn. She'd just be wearing a flimsy nightgown and would expose herself to me. It was horrible.
To this day, I see constant flashes of pornography. If I see a couple walking down the street holding hands, I can't help but imagine him violating her in the most blatant way possible. I can't stop it. It just happens. I was exposed to tons and tons of porn from age 14 to well into my twenties. By the same sick family. When I think of getting into a relationship, and the possibility of sex enters my mind, I always think my potential partner is eventually going to want me to act like one of those porn actresses, like get into kinky positions and stuff that just makes me feel uncomfortable and demeaned. I don't even give the guy a chance. Its just what pops into my head when I think of sex, and it scares me. :(
I hate the way those women in those movies act and pose their bodies. Like they have no brains and they are just pieces of meat. It makes me sick. :sluggish:
It makes me even more sick that there are men out there who think that's how a woman should act in bed.:banghead:

 

[Healingthehollow]

Blutarg and Leona. I am completely speechless.

I am so thankful that I came on here today. I have been very depressed, it just hit me so hard in the last week and I don't know why. I have also felt so alone, but then here you beautiful women are!

I think you're both so amazing and you have every right to feel the way you do about the awful trigger that is ours.
:( I wish I could abolish it from the universe forever.

I cant find the words in my state at the moment to reply to your replies but I will definitely come back on when I am feeling better and respond properly.

I'm so glad I found this forum and you two ladies.

:thankyou:

 

[Leona]

Ezabella,
You aren't alone. Everyone here has felt depressed, alone, scared, wounded, angry, etc....you name it. I don't know your history, but I'm glad you found this forum and can maybe feel less alone. It's a safe way to vent, or write things out that maybe you need to get out of your system. I mean, you'll never have to actually "meet" anyone here face to face, and it's anonymous. It's safe. AND, we've all been abused. It's not just something that happens to a small group of women...it's rampant. The more women I meet, the more I hear about stuff. I think pornography should be abolished. :stomp: I have to live with it in my head, because it was blasted at me from a very young, formidable age. I'm hoping someday my therapist can help de-program those images from my mind. We're working on it.
So, welcome! :hug:

 

[Blutarg]

I will echo what Leona says: You are not alone. It certainly feels like it - I of all people know this, believe me! I also stand by the rest of what she has said.

The way you feel right now is understandable. We will just wait until you are ready to speak to us (but I hope it isn't too long because I have finally found someone who knows what I'm about :( (sad face) - please don't be offended by that).

I hope you feel better soon.

If it's any consolation, I struggle with this thing EVERY day and every day is a challenge and has its battles. Just being alive and surviving in the world as it is is very trying, but when the end of a day comes, I can say 'I made it'. And so can you.

I'll wait to hear more from you. :hug:

 

[Healingthehollow]

I'm hoping someday my therapist can help de-program those images from my mind.

Me too Leona, can I ask how your therapist and yourself are working on doing this?

xoxoxoxo

 

[Blutarg]

Ezabella, how have you dealt with the problem so far?

Leona, I am also intersested in how you are doing this?

 

[Healingthehollow]

If it's any consolation, I struggle with this thing EVERY day and every day is a challenge and has its battles. Just being alive and surviving in the world as it is is very trying, but when the end of a day comes, I can say 'I made it'. And so can you.

Oh wow. You totally get me.
My bad days are yes, just that, surviving the hour, the minute, the second.

Learning to self soothe has been an enormous thing for me to learn- instead of running to other people in fear that my panic -my fear- my despair- my memories will kill me. I have found the best thing for me personally to do is to sit with it myself and by doing that I show myself I am capable, resilient and I can make myself safe instead of wanting other people to do it for me.

As a little girl I was desperate for my mother to save me but she couldn't/wouldn't.
May I ask if your mother was around? And did she know?

I have honestly had to hit rock bottom a hundred times and look these vicious demons in the face - howl my pain out -think its going to kill me but love myself enough to make it through that time of extreme crisis into the next minute, hour, day, night, week, fortnight, month...

Surviving is the first step- to try and find yourself safety in life- to give it to yourself- take care of yourself like you would a wounded child because really- we are. The second step in my experience is to learn - and this is a bloody hard one- to find enjoyment and pleasure in sexual activities, be it with your partner or self love. This is really difficult for me because I dissociate almost every time, but it is getting better as I learn how to breathe. I look at my partner and try to stay in the moment instead of floating off. This is so hard for me.

An excellent quote I found about the first step of our healing process - is that fear is suppose to act as an alarm bell when danger is present not as a way of being and living.

We have to learn how to not live in fear anymore as we are no longer in danger. But its so much easier to think that you are and never let your guard down than let it down and risk the posibility of getting hurt again.

There's another great quote- I don't have it on me at the moment, I'll come back on tomorrow and give it to you but basically it says - we have to trust our body and instincts enough that if there is danger present our instincts will step into action and we will be able to deal with it.

We are very resilient us human beings, even when we don't feel it!

xoxoxooxo
If either of you want to email me privately I'd love to hear from you xo