Sexual Assault My Main Trigger

[Blutarg]

I think you are quite amazing :D
You have some quite profound things to say (just as I saw on your home page too :))

I think it is also quite telling how we manage to deal with ourselves in spite of this horrendous battle we have within ourselves. Somehow, despite a lack of understanding from others - and sometimes ourselves - we can rise above it and still carry on with life even though we sometimes feel so crippled in life at times.

You asked about my mother. I was also desperate for her to save me and tried telling her what was going on but she turned a blind eye, and even told me that I had an over-active imagination. I was shattered. I felt there was no one in the world who would believe me and my dad made me believe that no one would believe me either.

Before I realised what was really wrong with me, I believed I had something living inside me, like a demon or something because of how I react to things, the really extreme nightmares I used to have, the extreme way I used to behave, the pictures I'd see in my head all the time etc - and I just thought it's just 'me' because I'd always been told I was a bad kid so I just took it for granted that there was something wrong with me. I didn't know it was CPTSD.

I so understand about facing those demons!

You are clearly a strong person and have found ways to manage yourself to a degree. I commend you for that. I hope you find the help you need with this trigger because it is a very difficult one to overcome given that in society as it is, this type of thing is everywhere an inescapable.

I get laughed at and ridiculed for my reactions - I don't know about you? How do you deal with that?

 

[Healingthehollow]

Thank you so much, my rant on mental illness on my blog probably is more manic than profound :p but I mean every word.

I'm so sorry your mother deal with you that way, my mother was the same.
I am lucky to have her acknowledge it now though, after many years of battling, she admitted it.
Are your parents still alive? What kind of relationship if any do you have with them, if you don't mind me asking? Do you have siblings? Do you think their were more survivors of your father?

Sorry for all the questions!

Wow.... a demon.... yes... yes me too... me too....
Wow.... I'm speechless......

I thought I was evil too, possessed, not meant to live, or eat. I stopped eating when I was little because I felt I didn't deserve it, then tried to kill myself when I was 8, and then turned to self-harm instead after I got in trouble for trying to die.

Those horrible nightmares, night terrors. I will never forget them as long as I live, and I used to go mute for hours, days even. Blank faced, numb, not even there. Traumatised and more embarrassing things I don't want to say in public.

Sigh - wow. It seems like so long ago yet it seems like yesterday. I can still see my fathers looming presence and that feeling of dread. I would have rather died than him ever come near me again.

I have blocked out so much of my past, have you? How much do you think you do remember? I wonder if I ever will remember it all. Such a messy blurred jiggsaw puzzle.

I certainly have my feelings pushed aside and minimised, people don't understand why we feel the way we do. And they dont have to. I used to feel I needed someone else to validate my emotions or reactions to things but thats slowly starting to fade as I heal... slowly.

This might be a bad example, but its similar to if say a friend of mine had a strong reaction or trigger towards alcohol because her brother used to get drunk and smash her room up, and if I drank or talked about getting drunk around her she would becoming hyper-aroused and defensive and angry at me. I wouldnt be able to understand to the fullest extent because I haven't had her exact experience. She would think she has every right to think alcohol should be illegal and people shouldnt minimise alcohols damage by talking about getting drunk like its nothing. To me that would be overreacting but to her- her essense of safety depends on people staying sober. Does that make sense?

To us our trigger is the most real thing in the world, to someone else its silly.

 

[peupeu]

Thank you to writing about that thing!! :applause:I was thinking that I am somehow "abnormal" because what I feel when I see any kind of pornography in tv. Also my mom notice how I change when some intimate scene start. She always laught that why I cannot watch that, it is the most normal thing what two people can do. Yes, but I don't want to watch it... I cannot describe how I feel in that moment, but I start to do something else, like stoke a cat or a dog, watch my fingers. If I am alone, I turn channel for a moment.

The most disgusting moments are then,when I and my boyfriend are with friends of my boyfriend and if they found porn-channel when they "surfing" between different channels. I just want to go away. It is just so disgusting. But luckily they never look it very long, about couple minutes, but even that time... :vomit:

Maybe I over-reacted, but I was thinking that do my feelings base on that my dad has lots of porn in his home (my mom and dad devorce when I was little and I visited him in every weekend)? I remember that he sometimes watch some porn movies meentime I and my sister play something. We never tell our mom that "dad watch some funny movies where is lots of girls who have big tits". That was our secret.

 

[Blutarg]

It could well have something to do with your reaction and it could also have something to do do with the cause of their divorce, you never know. Have you asked your mom about it at all? Or would that be too difficult?

It can be very awkward if you are a female and the males are watching that. It can be very degrading. But, of course, that is my opinion only ;)

 

[peupeu]

My mom and dad are nowadays very good friends, so I don't want to mess their relationship with that minor thing from very far past. My dad is not so clean person (more things on the floor than in the closet :)), so if he have porn magazines or videos, everybody can see them :D

 

[Blutarg]

Ezabella, I feel as if you could almost be a mirror of me in what you are saying. Wow! I am quite astounded!

My mother is still alive and my dad died in 2006. I will be honest and say I am so relieved that he is dead! I still felt for a long time that he was 'still around' if you know what I mean? I used to get quite freaked and worried that he was still watching me.

I also need to make it clear here that I call him 'dad' and never my father because he was never my biological father and he never treated me as his own daughter.

My brother, sister and mother all won't acknowledge what happened and carry on as if nothing happened and yet they know that I have been treated because of it and that I am different for this reason. I have also sat with each of them individually and explained things to them and asked them questions, but nothing came of it.

My brother and sister are my parents' own children and all the things that happened to me didn't happen to them so they don't have these problems. My sister was a bit of a spoilt brat and has problems nowadays from being so spoilt as a youngster. My brother could also never do any wrong in my parents' eyes and that has it's effects these days too but he is doing well for himself.

I don't mind all the questions :lol:I was wondering if you would be bothered if I asked you so many?!

I have also forgotten so much and don't know if I will ever remember again - it was just all too awful and horrid and I just split off fom myself. I used to call it 'my other me', but now I understand what I was really doing. I also minimised most of it and thought that it all just went with the territory.

What you have said about your friend and the alcohol trigger has put this lot in perspective in such a nice way and I'm glad you did :D

What a sad world we live in in some respects, and yet, if we just look around us, there is so much of value and so much that is really positive! We have come so far, I so hope we can find a way to overcome the fear or whatever it is that causes this trigger problem :hug:

 

[Blutarg]

My mom and dad are nowadays very good friends, so I don't want to mess their relationship with that minor thing from very far past. My dad is not so clean person (more things on the floor than in the closet :)), so if he have porn magazines or videos, everybody can see them :D

Then it doesn't interfere with their relationship anymore which is a good thing, but if it bothers you then you should be free to speak your mind and they should respect you as a person. Just a thought. ;)

 

[Blutarg]

Ezabella, you mentioned finding enjoyment and pleasure in sexual activities. I forgot to speak about that. (Must be a reason :rolleyes:)

I have such a terrible time in that department because I just don't feel ANYthing! I feel so sorry for my husband. I think it isn't fair on him but at the same time - when I do actually think about it - I feel a little bit angry because I'm not normal. Normal people think about sex.

I do think about it occasionally and wish we could be like normal people but then he will look at another women and I'll think he's leering at her or something (like when he looked down a women's top the other day) and then I just 'switch off' from him entirely and I can stay in that mode for a month or more. It's like I'm asexual. I have been like that most of my life.

We were very physical in the beginning and it is the first time in my life that I have ever felt sexual feelings but then my confidence just left and now I am back to how I was before! How sad is that.

I'd very much like him to be attracted to me, but at the same time, I'm terrified that he'll be attracted to me only after he has been attracted to another woman. Does that make sense? Is that warped? I don't know the answer to that.

 

[cherryblossom]

Just to remind folks that there is no reason to quote an entire post directly preceding yours.:p

 

[Healingthehollow]

Hi beautiful ladies, this conversation is so interesting and I am feeling less isolated by coming here and finding you! I look forward to coming home and replying in detail xo
Huge amounts of love and peace until then xo

 

[Healingthehollow]

I remember that he sometimes watch some porn movies meentime I and my sister play something. We never tell our mom that "dad watch some funny movies where is lots of girls who have big tits". That was our secret.

Peupeu- No wonder you have such strong feeling about it- you were exposed to it at a young age, could you see what he was watching on the screen or just hear it? that is really traumatic for a child and confusing :( scary and strange.
I'm not sure if you knew but is actually considered to be abuse even if you were not 'interfered' when there are sexual acts happening around you against your will.
I wasn't aware of that until a few years ago myself, my father used to pleasure himself around me at a very young age and didn't know that was sexual abuse until i brought it up one day with a counsellor ... I was shocked and in denial but when i thought about it ... it really made sense. I didn't want it happening around me, it made me feel awful and scared, confused and dirty, and i didn't have any say over those times being a child.
Have you talked to anyone about those times?
I really hope this finds you well
:affection:

 

[peupeu]

Thank you Ezabella. I saw it couple times. One time I play something with my sister in other room. I want to pick something from that room where our dad was. Then I saw that he watching that movie. I just turn and go to giggle to other room. My sister look at me and ask what was so funny. "Our dad watch some movie where girl massage her tits. She have very big tits". I was about 8 years old and it was just so funny and I have never thought that it can harm me somehow.

Other/s occasion/s was sometimes in the evenings when we go to sleep. My dads bedroom and livingroom was one big room. I wake up and notice that dad is still awake and he watch tv. When I notice that he watch 'those' movies, I just get back to sleep.

Although it was quite funny to that little girl who I was to see all those naked girls, it was also quite 'normal'. In my dads apartment there was so much porn magazines and videos all over, so that it wasn't so big shock if I found another one somewhere.

This can be shock to some of you but I only smile when I remember that one day... I was about 9 years old. I go to toilet and there was (like always) many porn magazines. I never touch them, they were 'adults property'. But there was one open magazine. There, in some kind of adult-picture-cartoon, my big hero, Zorro, have sex with some lady.

I have told this to couple friends, but like "ha-ha, I know that my dad have a lot of porn". Also my boyfriend know this and also he saw it from pictures which are from my dads department. But this is first time when I can think that there is some kind of connection between my dads porn things and my 'diffuculty' to watch any kind of pornography :eek: But that really take sense to me.