Sexual Assault My Main Trigger

[Healingthehollow]

Yeah absolutely could be. I guess as children we don't understand our emotions and reactions to things until we're an adult. I find it so strange to look back on incidents and realize oh that is what I was feeling! As kids we don't have the knowledge or the words for it so no wonder it all comes back to linger in our subconcious as adults until we sort it through like a big pile of documents we don't want to organize!

 

[Leona]

I just wanted to post because a couple of people earlier on in this thread asked how my therapist was proposing we could "de-program" my mind of these pornographic images. I really don't know yet. We have only just started this process. I just feel hopeful that eventually it will be possible. I've pretty much accepted that I will probably live with this stuff in my mind. Maybe over time, it won't "grab onto" me as strongly when it does come up. Like, it will just be annoying music in the background that I barely pay attention to. That's what I'm hoping. I think the pornography I was exposed to forever altered how my brain is wired in regard to sex.

 

[Healingthehollow]

My mother is still alive and my dad died in 2006. I will be honest and say I am so relieved that he is dead! I still felt for a long time that he was 'still around' if you know what I mean? I used to get quite freaked and worried that he was still watching me.

I also need to make it clear here that I call him 'dad' and never my father because he was never my biological father and he never treated me as his own daughter.

I totally understand what you mean about being glad your father is dead, when my dad died i felt like I could breathe for the first time but I absolutely know what you mean about feeling him around.

I used to hear heavy footsteps down the hall of my house when no-one was home- along with other strange things, eventually it went away but that's when I fell apart.

When he was alive I had to keep it together to survive, when he left well .. I completely fell apart and my mother put me in a psych ward when I was 16 because I was forever trying to kill myself.

I spent most of my time in hospital or psychologists offices between then and age 21.
It was the worst time of my life- recalling it all, worse than the actual abuse even, because with my adult mind I could understand what was happening to me and I couldn't block it out any more, I just wanted to die and live with my sister.

Its pretty common for paedophiles not to abuse their own flesh and blood- like you said your dad didn't abuse his blood children but he did you because he might have thought that was okay to do because you weren't 'his' I will never understand their twisted minds... ever and I don't want to.

That's so interesting that you split off and refer to it as your 'other me' I do that too! I even changed my first name when I turned 19 so I wasn't 'her' anymore.

I don't mind your questions at all! It's so lovely to have someone to talk to, who has been through someone so very similar, i thought i was all alone you know??

You're absolutely right about their being so many positives in life. Last night i joined a women's group based on the red tent movement, its so beautiful to be around other warm, honest, supportive, emotional, beautiful women it makes me have faith that the world isn't going to turn out to be 'pornified'.

'Being publicly sexual has become the only acceptable way for girls to demonstrate maturity' - 'Pornified' - Pamela Paul

 

[Healingthehollow]

Ezabella, you mentioned finding enjoyment and pleasure in sexual activities. I forgot to speak about that. (Must be a reason :rolleyes:)

I have such a terrible time in that department because I just don't feel ANYthing! I feel so sorry for my husband. I think it isn't fair on him but at the same time - when I do actually think about it - I feel a little bit angry because I'm not normal. Normal people think about sex.

I do think about it occasionally and wish we could be like normal people but then he will look at another women and I'll think he's leering at her or something (like when he looked down a women's top the other day) and then I just 'switch off' from him entirely and I can stay in that mode for a month or more. It's like I'm asexual. I have been like that most of my life.

We were very physical in the beginning and it is the first time in my life that I have ever felt sexual feelings but then my confidence just left and now I am back to how I was before! How sad is that.

I'd very much like him to be attracted to me, but at the same time, I'm terrified that he'll be attracted to me only after he has been attracted to another woman. Does that make sense? Is that warped? I don't know the answer to that.

OH i was so entirely the same as you in this department! Only in the last year have I been able to slowly shift from feeling nothing to feeling something and actually being able to enjoy myself and stay present - well 50/50 anyway, but that's more than 0! So i'm really proud of myself.
Its so much easier in the start of a relationship because you get so caught up in the excitement of it all that you can somewhat put the nagging demons in the back of your mind and let the lust take you over, but when that fades those voices and feelings come roaring back for sure.

I've been trying to deprogram my mind from thinking sex is bad, evil, abusive horrible disgustingness, to something of love, health, passion, romance and enjoyment.

What happened to us was not sex, it was the absolute opposite.
Sex is about love, not fear and degredation.

Could you tell me what you meant by

I'm terrified that he'll be attracted to me only after he has been attracted to another woman

Do you mean you think he'd have to get turned on by other women to then want you?

I also switch off if i feel there is a threat around me- if my boyfriend talks sexually around his friends or he spends a lot of time with friends of his i know what pornography and talk about it openly- then i shut down to protect myself from that coming near me and hurting me again.
You're not abnormal though or asexual, you're in protective mode of your body and thats a totally normal response considering what we have experienced. Totally normal.
Anyone who had experienced the same would react like we do, maybe be even more damaged. We have to remember we're doing well enough to be in a commited relationship, we're not living on a streets or wasted on drugs trying to forget, we're trying to move through it and that is strength.

 

[Blutarg]

It's so encouraging speaking to you! I don't feel like a total freak of nature.

I also changed my name to my nickname but when I was 16. My dad swore he'd leave me out of his will if I was known by that name but I didn't care because his will didn't mean anything to me.

Regarding sex. I find it hard to differentiate between love/romance etc and sex. In my logical mind I would like it to be 'nice' and romantic, but in reality it's all just sex. Does that make sense? I feel afraid or apprehensive if I think my husband and I have to have sex. That doesn't happen often at all. (Poor man. I feel bad for him because he isn't in a normal relationship and that compounds the problem.)

Yes, I do mean that I am afaid that I think he will get turned on by other women and then want me. I just can't handle the idea of being used by my husband. That happened with my previous husband but I was younger then and didn't know any better.

I didn't think of it as being in a protective mode. I did think I was just plain abnormal or at the very least defensive. So that gives me a better perspective and it certainly makes more sense to me because that is exactly what I am doing in essence.

You react in the same way I see with conversations and the like.

What you say about how we have tried to make it with our lives is true. We could have given up and become what those monsters wanted us to become, but we didn't. We are trying to live as normally as possible in spite of all the odds against us. So we should give ourselves a little more credit right? We just have a couple of flaws that need ironing out that's all. :D

I am going to look up the red tent movement - your group is based on that. (I read a book called The red tent - very good.)

The statement by Pamela Paul is scary.

 

[krystina]

Jeez I feel a lot like you today!
A bunch of my classmates were talking about some dirty things and I couldn't stand it!
I had to see my school counslor after school today because I couldn't handle it and I felt like a wimp.
It is a good thing my school counselor has a masters in social work most of the others don't at all.
I understand what you mean and it does get frustrating!
Welcome!

 

[Healingthehollow]

I feel the same way talking to you!

Oh my goodness... my father hated my nickname too and thats what i based Ezabella on.. i was known as Ezz and he loathed it, this is getting a bit spooky really... the similarities!

I totally understand how in your mind it's all just sex, i thought the exact same thing until i met my current partner who is all about the romance and love, spoiling me and treating me like a princess, at first i was so wary of it, thinking 'what does he want? what is he going to do to me?' i felt so horrible for thinking this way :( because he is such a beautiful person. When i found out he watched pornography on occassion i made him into a monster in my head, i hated him and i left, i wanted to crawl up and die. I didn't speak to him and i locked myself away and seriously thought about suicide, i thought the whole world was poisoned by this thing i couldn't escape.
But he did everything he could to make me feel safe again- after all i had never told him i had a problem with it, he hadn't betrayed me but in my head he was just like my father, worse even.

It took a long time for me to trust him again and sometimes i would break down and scream at him for what he had done, but then one day i stopped mid scream and told him i would never bring it up again because i loved him and i knew he would never ever do it again because he never gave up on me no matter how much poison i spewed at him, how much i swore or insulted him. He always remained steady and true, so i told him i forgave him, and that was one of the hardest days in our relationship for me, but also a really healing one.

After that he tried to show me he wasn't like my father or bad people that watch pornography for the degradation of women, he showed me romance and kindness and made love to me instead of being #$%^ed like i was with my previous partners, i didn't know how to react to it and it scared the hell out of me, this passion and care, it wasn't about sex to him, it was about loving me and that didn't make sense for a long time because i didn't trust it.

Yes, I do mean that I am afaid that I think he will get turned on by other women and then want me. I just can't handle the idea of being used by my husband. That happened with my previous husband but I was younger then and didn't know any better.

:( I feel that fear too... like if they get turned on by something perverted or degrading to women they will want to do that to us? Like it will plant a seed that will just keep going

I used to try and trick my partner (i know it sounds so twisted) into showing me what he was 'really' into when we first got together, asking him to try out his wildest strangest fantasties on me to see if he was a psycho or not, i didnt care about my own well being during it because i had no self respect or love, but it turned out he had to scary fetishes or reasons to be fearful even though i gave him open range to do so at the start of our relationship- i was testing him to see how dangerous he was.

We should definatly give ourselves more credit!! I can be so, so hard on myself because i just want to be 'normal' and not be so sad or angry, irritated or terrified all the time, but i am normal for my circumstances and so are you! and we're both getting better every day :thankyou:

 

[Healingthehollow]

Hi Krystina, thank you :) that's so great you were able to take care of yourself by seeing the school counsellor, that shows a lot of strength, well done!

 

[krystina]

Thanks!
That makes me feel good inside.

 

[Blutarg]

Hi Krystina :)
I agree with Ezabella, you showed a lot of strength and direction for yourself, and that's a good thing. I'm glad you had someone you could turn to. :hug:

 

[krystina]

thanks

 

[Blutarg]

Ezabella, You have said that you used to try and trick your partner. I did the same too, to test the waters, so to speak. But by doing that I actually created my own downfall :( Really silly on the surface but it holds a much deeper meaning beneath it all. I think we just want to know that everything will be secure and watertight - but reality doesn't work that way. Nobody is perfect. I guess we are just so petrified of being hurt again and again and try to avoid it at all costs - but end up getting hurt because of how we are toward our partners and trying to control our environment.

I can fully understand your reaction when you found out about your partner watching pornography but I must say that I am impressed by your decision to change your way of thinking. It couldn't have been easy and it takes a LOT of courage! Even when those niggling doubts come along you still have the determination to overcome them and that's admirable.

My husband is not a romantic by any stretch of the imagination but he is showing me in small ways that he doesn't need to look at that stuff, that it doesn't add value to his life and therefore he asks the question of me: why would he want to look at, or watch pornography?

Perhaps some day I will believe him but for now I will take it one day at a time. I really love the man and wish like anything that my views weren't tainted and I could love him like any normal person. But my mind is not the same as others and I have to accept that. I realised the full impact of this yesterday and felt very sad about it but I won't stay down because of my dad - I'll get up and do the best I can with what I have. Somehow I have to try and see my husband in a different light, or from 'a different angle'.:D

I also realise that the way my dad saw women has been passed on to me - and that is hectic to acknowledge! To try and change that is something else. I see women as people in my own right, but then his view will come into the picture as well and that upsets everything and goes against everything I am. So it's very difficult. It's like being two people. But I have managed to get through so much in life, I am sure I can do this - I just have to find a way. I'm sure it's there, I just can't see it at the moment that's all.