Sexual Assault My Main Trigger

[OneofHis]

Ezabella,

Wow, you took the words out of my mouth. I have a really awesome man like that too. And I've had the exact same experiences. I've tricked him too to find out what he was really made of (he passed). And on one occasion he watched a porn flick and I thought I was gonna die. He didnt get caught, he confessed to me he did it because he felt so guilty. Hes had several partners before me. (he had a wild wild phase but is now a very godly man and has a completely changed lifestyle, but anytime I'm with him I'm thinking about all the girls he's been with prior to me. Thinking that I know I can't possibly be good enough for him and he's probably "thinking" about them. He's promised all that has been erased from his memory and he's put that so far behind him but I'm skeptical. I can't trust men. I was also screwed up by my father and I think they are all alike even tho they may not be. But my husband is a very loving caring man who treats me like a princess. I fear I'm gonna screw it up because I'm so corrupted. :-|

 

[Healingthehollow]

Oh But neither of you are corrupted or have different minds from others for good!
Everything is changable, its just such very, very hard work :goingtocry:

If four years ago i saw me now i would never be able to believe i could be this well adjusted and trusting of people
even though compared to some i am not on the same level as them but that does not mean that i wont be!
Nothing is permanent and i think that's a stigma that comes along with 'mental illness' people think once it's there you're stuck with it, but the majority of these illnesses are curable with lots of patience and hard work and a good mentor/therapist.

Some days i get so stuck in thoughts that nothing will change and that it's just too bloody hard, but thoughts are just words in our heads they are not neccessarily truth they are just thoughts and they cant control us no matter how hard they try!!

Have either of you tried working with Mindfulness? I'm trying it now and it's helping me a lot :kisses:

 

[Blutarg]

You speak such a truth when you say: Some days i get so stuck in thoughts that nothing will change and that it's just too bloody hard, but thoughts are just words in our heads they are not neccessarily truth they are just thoughts and they cant control us no matter how hard they try!!
We have to constantly remind ourselves of that very fact, and the fact that change IS possible - we just musn't give up.

I have tried so many different things and methods. I think Mindfulness is when you are mindful of what you say and do, and take into account your immediate situatuation and think about it first. Taking control of your thoughts and actions. Am I right? If so, this is what I am trying to do do at the moment and it is helping to a certain degree.

I try to slow the whole 'response' situation down in my brain at the time a triggering episode happens, and recognise it for what it is. It doesn't always work out the way I plan but, on occasion, I can get it right and it is happening more often now.

I haven't blown a gasket or reacted violently in a VERY long time because I have a better understanding of what is wrong with me and how to better manage myself which helps a lot.

Make no mistake, it is NOT easy and takes a LOT of hard work and constant effort on my part and most of the time my husband isn't even aware of the effort I'm putting in or the turmoil inside.

But I believe, somewhere in my depths, that it will all work out in the end (hopefully before I'm too old! Maybe I'll have it perfected by the time I reach 80!!):lmao:

Please explain how the Mindfulness thing works and how you use it to help you. :hug:

 

[Healingthehollow]

I haven't blown a gasket or reacted violently in a VERY long time because I have a better understanding of what is wrong with me and how to better manage myself which helps a lot.

Isn't it great when things start to calm down! I cringe looking back on ways i have responded in the past but then i didn't have any understanding of what was happening inside me.
You say you didn't have an understanding of what was wrong with you- but there is nothing wrong with you lovely lady!
All your reactions are normal, although scary and confusing, they are completely normal.
and you're doing fantastic.

Mindfulness is similar to what you said yep, but it's also being mindful of your reactions- your thoughts
for eg: At work i daily have a thought that i am incapable and instead of seeing this as a belief and i am mindful of the thought that is i think i am incapable, i name it by saying eg: 'oh there's that i'm-not-good enough' thought! and by doing that i realise that is all it is- a thought and not a reality.

I'm reading this book called 'The happiness trap' that we give to our clients at my work and it works on mindfulness techniques for unhelpful thoughts
I'd highly reccommend it! or any self help book, i don't know where i would have been if i hadn't gone to the library every week while i was in one of my worst places and rented out every self help book i could! or autiobiographies of other people's battles, it makes it less isolating

Although we might rarely feel it, we are in control of our own lives now- once we were not but now we can heal that by being the nurturing protector to ourselves that we unfortunatly didn't experience when we were younger.

Remember how fabulous you are!

Oh another thing i've been meaning to mention- when we were talking about finding pleasure in sex etc, if we're not connected to our bodies its pretty hard to do that isnt it? I drift off- disassosiate if i havent mentally prepared myself for what is about to happen.
Something i also found helpful for getting in touch with body- seeing it as my own and not property of someone else, was my pampering myself, having a bath and washing my skin slowly and mindfully, applying lotion and feeling it as my own body not a manequin's body that my brain was attached to.
Slowly shaving my legs, slowly painting my nails, applying a mud mask etc
It helps feel we have control over what is happening to our bodies, and it's care not harm, an experience that our bodies aren't used to recieving so much.
I just thought I'd share as it really helped me, I make sure i do something like that every day to stay connected to it as well as learning how to breathe and doing lots of calming activities like painting or writing, walking in the sun, patting my cat- staying in the present. At first it was really terrifying because i used to run away from the present with maaaany different types of addictions but it wasn't until i learnt to be in the now and just be that things started to change slowly, although it was very uncomfortable at first.

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxooxxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxooxoxooxoxo

 

[Blutarg]

I told my husband that it is amazing that there is another woman in the world who understands how it feels to be like this. :D

I do exactly the same thing. I used to see pictures in my mind of forests with my first husband but, with my present husband, I just go somewhere else. I try to stay in the moment but the pictures of my dad make the physical too real and painful, even if my husband is being gentle. I feel bad because it is not his fault and that just compounds the horrible feelings I feel.

That is why I also like to be prepared and have a bath, shave and put on creams as well. I also live in jeans and T-shirts so I don't come across as a sexual being therefore I have to get myself into that frame of mind and 'change gears', otherwise I get a bit scared or nervous because I can't see myself as being attractive to him. He says I am but I can't see it. I just see myself as your average plain Jane.

I think I have always overidden or bypassed the sexual aspect of myself as much as possible and kept as busy as possible with everything else in life and living it to it's fullest. Only now am I realising the importance of sex in a relationship. Or, more to the point, I'm trying to answer the question: Why is sex so important in a relationship?

I asked my husband the other day what he would feel about a sexless marriage? mmmh! He said it would be okay for a time. I just put the question out to guage a response. I wouldn't do that to him though, the problem obviously lies with me and I need to work on me, so that's what I'm doing.

I didn't realise that it wasn't normal not to walk around naked in front of each other... Imagine my surprise and embarrassment when my husband said that it is natural for couples to do that? So how do I do something like that when I've never done anything like that in my life? The only time I did something like that was for my dad all those years ago (even then I absolutely HATED it)! I am so shy of my body and feel very awkward when I'm naked in front of my husband. I can't see myself walking through the room in front of him without my gown on... I think I'll die from embarrassment or humiliation.

How does one overcome something like that? I will feel as if he is looking at me and sizing me up or something.

Can I ask if you are okay with this type of thing? Did you ever have a problem in this area or not?
I know this must sound so totally silly :eek: :rolleyes:

Who is the author of The happiness trap?

They say there is no cure for people like us (with PTSD), but my gosh, when I see how far I have come - and you from what I can gather - there certainly is hope for many! I can smile now because, although I have this one silly, ridiculous flaw, I can honestly look back and say that I have overcome so much! You are an amazing woman too for all you have achieved as well :cool:

I just want to say thank you for posting here because you have helped me a lot even though you were looking for help on the forum. :thankyou:

 

[WonderingWhy]

I just wanted to add. Even when "I thought" I was "ok" during my marriage. I never wanted to be unclothed. My husband did tease me, but I thought it was him that was odd! Guess I was wrong.

At this point I am not in a relationship or do I desire to even be around people much less men. However I do hope it will some day be possible. My "stuff" happened after I had been in one intimate relationship. Well actually while I was in that relationship. (It was my reason for ending it. I felt somehow that I had betrayed him and couldn't face it)

However I do remember the time with him as amazing. I felt happier than ever. I did enjoy the intimacy. I guess I was lucky to have at least experienced that before the "abuse". For that reason I do want to be able to find my way back at some point in the future. If I had not had that experience I would likely have no interest at all in working towards it.

Just wanted to share my perspective.

 

[Blutarg]

Thanks for sharing your perspective WonderingWhy.

Isn't it strange how we see things so differently to other people and don't realise it until it is pointed out to us at 'point blank range'? (Even then, I don't seem to get it sometimes!) But, once we know, at least then we are in a position to do something about it.

I believe you have experienced something beautiful and will someday again, when you are ready. You will know when that is.:hug:

 

[Healingthehollow]

They say there is no cure for people like us (with PTSD)

:faint:.... Who on earth has said that to you! That is so incredibly false! Oh my goodness i am appaulled!!!!!!!!

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm not sure where your quote came from Ezabella - and I can't see the point in trawling through files to find it. (too lazy :yawn:)

But there is a valid truth to the fact that PTSD is not curable. However, it can be very successfully managed. Post-traumatic stress (PTS) can be cured, but once PTSD is established, it cannot be cured. But just to re-iterate - the symptoms can be very well managed...... but that management is a continuous process. If you have PTSD, you will always have PTSD - but hopefully you will learn how to continuously manage your symptoms in order to lead a relatively 'normal' life. Different people have different degrees of PTSD - for example some people with PTSD manage to hold down successful jobs - at the other end of the scale, some people with PTSD cannot work at all. There a hundreds of other examples, but I'm sure you get the picture?

 

[Blutarg]

You put that down very well and simply enough for something that can be so hard to explain sometimes. :cool: Thank you.

 

[Healingthehollow]

I'm not sure where your quote came from Ezabella - and I can't see the point in trawling through files to find it. (too lazy :yawn:)

But there is a valid truth to the fact that PTSD is not curable. However, it can be very successfully managed. Post-traumatic stress (PTS) can be cured, but once PTSD is established, it cannot be cured. But just to re-iterate - the symptoms can be very well managed...... but that management is a continuous process. If you have PTSD, you will always have PTSD - but hopefully you will learn how to continuously manage your symptoms in order to lead a relatively 'normal' life. Different people have different degrees of PTSD - for example some people with PTSD manage to hold down successful jobs - at the other end of the scale, some people with PTSD cannot work at all. There a hundreds of other examples, but I'm sure you get the picture?

This is where our beliefs differ. I believe that issues that arise from trauma are not in fact a mental illness but a normal human reaction to trauma.

here are some quotes that speak to me:

“Instead of recognising the devastation caused by rape and child sexual abuse, honouring and supporting a women’s survival, she is described it as in need of treatment or perhaps ‘untreatable’.”
(Hill, 2004: 16)
"Having a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder reaction to extreme trauma is normal, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed."
Link Removed


"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a psychological injury, not a mental illness."
-Tim Field, author of ‘Bully in Sight’.
These days mental illnesses are widely known to be treatable and curable- depression, anxiety, personality disorders, even psychosis the suferer can make a full recovery from. I believe it's the same for trauma survivors.


Of course we are all going to have the memories and feeling that the trauma created in us but that doesn't mean we're disordered... i find that thinking behind the view that we are mentally ill incredibly offensive.
I believe anyone that wants to, puts in the effort and believes in recovery will find it.

 

[Blutarg]

I like your way of thinking, but what happens when there has been so much trauma and the damage is too great? There is no possibility of complete healing. That would be unreal thinking. The lasting effects are intwined in everything, therefore it becomes a condition, and being such can be managed even if it can't be cured.