General My Marriage - A Direction of Impact Nearing

[Jim]

Hi Anthony you need to watch yourself with this you dont want to start going downhill to much as you know it is struggle to pick yourself up again.
You need to start looking after yourself

I second that Jen. You be sure to take care, Anthony.

Jim.

 

[Andrea42]

Ohhh My!! :(

I haven't spoken with Kerrie about this, as its the same thing over and over again, this has been going on for quite some time. She is good for a week, then angry, aggressive and so forth again... really just a revolving circle. From all counts speaking with her family and those who have known her longer than myself, she has been angry most of her life. That doesn't mean she is angry 24/7, but usually daily, and multiple times during the day. She gets angry, then is fine... and everyone else is supposed to just accept this apparently. Interesting... I am not angel, far far from it, but I feel that this is just becoming a ridiculous excuse for a relationship to be honest. If she doesn't sort herself out now, its not going to be pretty, let me just say that.

I actually hate this quote here because for a moment i thought you were talking about me Anthony..... It seems that i have alot in common with Kerrie-Ann...
I dont even know what to say right now, i am in shock.
I hope she gets help because what she is going through is horrible. I dont like being angry all the time and i dont like to make it seem as if i dont give a shit about anything or anybody but myself...but she seriously needs help, she cannot help herself on her own, i can tell you that right now and im sure you have seen that. I have not been doing too well with finding a doctor yet (i go back and forth, want help, dont want it) so im screwing up but i hope to shine some light on you when i do get help because it seems that your wife and i are doing the same things in a sense...
Im glad you are taking care of you. Thats very important. At the same time while you are doing that i hope you have had the chance to see your kids....
~HuGs~

 

[paul]

anthony you have explained in your first post exactly how ive been feeling for the last year.i put up a thread in another section and it seems pointless now as some questions have been answered here.
my wife is the same blaming ptsd and brings up the past everytime we have a blue about whats going on now.
im about to leave my marriage for good this time because of this.
i will be keeping a good eye on this thread to see if i can get some answers myself.
and i really hope something can be worked out for you and your kids.

 

[anthony]

Thanks all... I am reading all this and taking it all in to make the best decision for me, and my kids. For the moment, we are seperated, yet Kerrie wants a cooling off period, which I have rejected as I don't see much point too it, though whether reconciliation occurs or not, I do not know. All I know is that I cannot continue living this way, and I am the one that ends up sick all the time as a result, nobody else. So I am taking my own health into consideration for once. If reconciliation doesn't ever occur, then either way, I will be moving near kerrie and the kids at the end of the year so I can see them daily, and lots more. My life revolves around my kids... and I know kerrie is a good mother, and I am a good father, and will not ignore my children, ever... they are much higher than myself in my list of important things. See what happens I guess...

 

[Jen]

Glad to see that you are not going to curl up in a ball over this Anthony and being as postive as you can in this situation and moving forward.
Jen

 

[hannah]

Anthony --- sooooo sorry to hear about your situation. It is a fine thing you say about being there for your kids. Really hope you work things out. Too sad and Ironic that you and Kerrie- Ann should suffer the fate you are always trying to help prevent. Take care of yourself heed your own advice yea!

sending you good thoughts and wishes
Hannah :)

 

[Lee]

Hi Anthony,
just speaking from my own experience, I know that once W was medicated and calm and nice to be around again, I suddenly became the angry one.....although never, ever to the extent of what he put us through. But I was so angry that he had turned our once perfect marriage into such a nightmare and angry that he had lied to people about me to try and make me out to be a monster, and angry that anyone would treat me and my beautiful kids like he had, and sad that our wonderful, innocent, loving relationship would never be the same....and yes I took it out on him. I got angry quite a lot in that period...until this last blow out actually. I found even little things he did were not good enough, I was hypervigilant, looking for him to go bad again. I would withdraw my love and affection some days when I remembered and could not forgive. I think that whole process of forgiving the actions of an uncontrolled PTSD partner must take years and years of counselling before the trust is back enough to love properly. In the meantime if there is a ptsd relapse (like has happened with W) or some trigger....like your son moving in.....it is enough to tip the spouse over the edge.........Oh so complicated.

 

[anthony]

Your right Lee, but that is the spouses concern, not just the sufferers. For any relationship to work, BOTH people must move forward together, not one, not the other, both, and it must remain that way if the relationship is to remain healthy. Kerrie stopped this long ago with me, instead making decisions based on her own presumptions, without even asking me or talking to me, instead making her own assumptions that I didn't want to talk with her, or that I was too busy, etc etc... If its good enough for the goose, its good enough for the gander, if both want a relationship to work. Kerrie gave me an ultermatum years ago, heal or get out, I healed... what about her responsibility in this? I know and accept I was an absolute arsehole for years, not just to her, but to many, but I have pulled myself apart, still ongoing really, all to get better, to be a much calmer more rational person, to speak and be spoken too, not yelled at, not aggressively converted... both must do it. Kerrie had these other issues before she met me, as she exerted aggression to most people within her life, near all of her life, something bigger than just me or PTSD, and she has to heal that, I do not control it. I am responsible for some things, without doubt, but she has a responsibility, one which I am now at the end of my rope with. We have discussed her actions and the way in which she speaks to others for well over a year now, putting in an effort for a week, two max, then back to her old self, yelling and tearing into people, then just expecting everything to be ok, and an acceptable approach... wrong.

 

[Lee]

Yeah, hearing you. I guess this is where W & I are heading if we just went on and on for years from now. But I have ever been angry or abusive...well I do get angry and I am assertive...just not abusive. I got enough exampes of that growing up with a bipolar mother. I was taught 'how not to be a parent' and 'how not to be a wife'. I guess you are almost a PTSD spiuse at the present moment...can probably relate more to that than being a sufferer. You are doing good. Obviously your teenage son still wants you in his life....that says heaps....and you will always be Dad to the little ones as well. Kerrie will realise one day what she lost, as I know W will if he continues on this current path X

 

[Tammy]

Dear Anthony,

I am terribly sorry to hear about your troubles. I feel the need to respond but I don't want to "chose sides". In my own personal experiences, I only tend to blame Alex and the PTSD for things when I have had enough of blaming myself for everything. For example, I make excuses for Alex's behaviour when he is being a pain in the arse or outright rude to other people; I blame myself if our house isn't spotless; if dinner isn't prepared on time; if we forgot something when we went shopping etc. I blame myself for every little problem until I feel as though I am going to explode and then I do. ANd I explode by telling Alex that he needs to pull his finger out; that it's not all my respnsibility, that a lot of it should be his job etc. For example, Alex and I moved into a new rental property 2 weeks ago. In my mind everything should be unpacked by now (neither of us are working). However, there are still at least ten boxes downstairs that need to be unpacked. I cannot lift them because I only have eight weeks to go now and my blood pressure has already almost doubled... 2 days after we moved in the eectricity stopped working; the real estate said they would send someone ou to fix out. Without electricity our moniles weren't charged and our home phone hadn't been connected yet- so apparetly the electrician couldn't come out. I blamed myslef for this. We were without power all weekend- an electrician came out on Monday and we found out that the problem was in the motor for the spa bath. We had lost about $250 worth of food over the weekend due to no electricity! I blamed myself for all of this because firstly Jackson was in a house with no power; because I got angry instead of rationally working it out; and because I wanted the house with the spa bath... See what I mean abuot blaming myself for everything!! Anyway, yesterday Alex started yelling at me because I tried to carry a box up the stairs to unpack it- so I lost it and started to yell back. And yes I blamed his PTSD for it... I told that him that he was lazy, that if he was a really decent person I wouldn't have had to try to carry it all up the stairs, that his PTSD was getting worse and his laziness was the clue telling me so!. Was PTSD the cause of all this... NO. The problem was I didn't even ask him to bring these boxes up stairs, I just assumed he would. and it is always easier to blame someone or something else for own mistakes.

Back to you now- I go the feeling at the PTSD course that Kerrie didn't really like your teenage son- not from anything that was said but I just gt that feeling. I don't believe that she has the right to kick your son at all, whether it was just a soft tap to get him up or not. I know if Alex ever did that to my son I would rip him apart... It seems to me that Kerrie has struggled to come to grips with the fact that when she fell in love with you and you with her, that she wouldn't be the first person to give you the gift of a child. Being a step parent is hard, and sometimes the resentment towards the step child just grows and grows until everything just blows up.

I cant explain exactly what Kerrie is going through but I can understand her in some regards to. When Alex and I are fighting and I feel as though the situation is only going to get worse I run to my mum's house to. Of course my mum oly lives around the corner and I never really stay longer than a few days, but maybe Kerrie still feels that the situation at home isn't good for the boys.

Anyway enough of my rambling... I hope all works out for you and your family. Remember if you need us we are here to talk. I'll let Alex know what's going on, he's out at the moment and I'll ask him to give you a call. Stay safe and well...:kiss:

 

[anthony]

Hey Tam,

Its funny actually, in that I had a conversation with my mum the other night, and something she said to me is sticking at present, being that kerrie knew I had Logan, and that Logan was a part of my life. When I thought about it, even when we where in Townsville, when Logan came over for the weekends, every second weekend that is, it was an inconvenience on Kerrie somehow, and she used to spend most of that weekend out, and stay clear of us both. When she was their, she was the same still, angry and aggressive towards Logan, and me at that time. Saying this, I also was not well all that time, though it pieces together.

Kerrie knew I had a son, so why did she even bother if she knew she couldn't cope with a step child? I suspect it had something more to do with that Kerrie wanted kids, and she was getting old, so she put up with whatever needed to get her wishes. I think she may off actually merely used me to get the children she so wanted. Hard, but very much looking deeply like the reality of it all in my eyes.

Either way now, maybe it is all for the best. I got sick at the end of my first marriage, thus causing problems, me losing it and leaving. I was sick at the beginning of this marriage, where maybe now Kerrie just cannot come to tems with things. Maybe it is meant to be that the next relationship is the right one, where I go into it with my eyes wide open, looking for a person that is a calm and confident person, someone who is not controlling, but more simply appreciative to have company within their life. Who knows...

 

[Tammy]

Anthony,
You are one hundred percent correct about Kerrie Ann knowing you had Logan... I think that maybe she didn't understand exactly how difficult being a step parent can be. It's pretty hard when your opinion doesn't really matter in the big picture... The questions you really have to ask yourself are 1) How does Logan treat Kerrie Anne- is it normal teenage rebellion or does he truy dislike her and if so, why? and 2) does Kerrie Ann treat Logan so badly that she is pushing him away from you both and making him respond negatively to her and the main question is, would Logan and Kerrie ever get so angry at each other that they would take it out on the other boys? It seems to me it has already been taken out on you! Hard questions to answer but necessary at the same time... Are you seeing anybody down there or have you at least stayed in touch with someone you can talk to about all of this? Anyway I had better go. I just hope that you, Kerrie and the three boys can come to some sort of agreement; but remember that if you can't- seperate homes aren't always a bad thing. It my circumstance it works quite well.Stay safe and take care xxx