My Marriage Is Falling Apart.

[Miss_Understood]

I've been with my wife for 10 years, I love her immensely, we've been through a lot together. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Since then our relationship has taken a turn for the worse. I shut down completely, I just went through the motions. I disassociated from everyone but especially her.

I was gay bashed about 4 years ago while at work. It affects me more than I know how to express. I thought I was doing something good but pretending it was all ok, I thought eventually I'd forget. However, I haven't, but what I have gotten is increasingly angry, depressed, and shut down.

I shut my wife out of my life, I didn't talk to her, I didn't want to be close, I didn't care because I didn't know how to without completely breaking down. I didn't want her to worry nor did I want her to know how truly awful I'd let the monster inside me become. Long story short, she had an emotional affair with another woman. It completely devastated me, I have a hard time trusting people as it is, and I never thought I'd have to question my trust for her.

I know that I was emotionally unavailable for a long time. We has day long talk, and I forgave her for what she did. I actually don't even blame her. I was not giving her what she needed. I blame myself for what happened.

I love this woman with everything that I am, I can't imagine my life without her. Now she's saying that she isn't going to look to me for happiness. She doesn't care anymore, I was so far gone for so long, it doesn't matter to her anymore. She told me she wouldn't leave because I'm her comfort, she's in love with me and she loves me. However, I feel like everything is falling apart. Frankly, I don't know what to do.


I haven't been the best wife, I'll admit that. I've lied, I've disassociated, I've shut myself down, I've taken anger out on her. I've never hit her nor done anything physically abusive. I have been emotionally abusive, I realize that now. I've apologized and have been trying to make a change it's only been about a week, yet I expect praise that I've been trying. I want encouragement to keep trying.


Am I selfish for asking for that? Am I a jerk? Am I doing something wrong?


I'm open to all suggestions. Honestly right now I feel as if I know nothing.

 

[reallydown]

I don't know what to say other than that I'm sorry this is happening to you. I don't do relationships so unfortunately no advice...Hang in there.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Thank you. I'm not going anywhere. I have blind stupid faith that everything will work out.

 

[Philippa]

Your wife shouldn't be looking to you for happiness though. I think in a healthy relationship, and I am no expert in that area believe me, but what I think is healthy is when people can make themselves happy, and then it doesn't become about having to make the other person happy because you are both already happy, and in that you share being happy together.

That is what I took from the letter you posted.

I don't know if you're selfish or a jerk for wanting to be encouraged more. Maybe you need to create the motivation if you aren't getting it from her, like give yourself praise for making the effort, but also monitor yourself so you don't slip back into old behavior? It's hard though, I am a bit better at motivating myself these days, but still not that great at it.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I do think we should make ourselves happy. We are rather codependent on each other, which isn't healthy.

I believe that I need to look into myself and figure out why I need constant praise and encouragement.
I think I will start doing daily self affirmations. I wish that I has all the answers but I know I never will, so now I just need to realize that it's ok not to know everything. I'm working on this whole feeling emotions thing, and healing. It's bound to be a long and bumpy road.

 

[ill]

You're not a jerk for needing praise and encouragement, but it may be a little too much to ask for from your wife right now. It may be hard for your wife to believe in or even see your positive changes for awhile, especially since it's likely the case that you had positive moments even in the midst of shutting down. It can be very difficult and scary to have faith again when you've been hurt, even if you want to. It's also possible that you both will discover some buried anger and resentment she has as you continue to heal and improve your relationship - as you become more present in your relationship and demonstrate your willingness to be there, you'll likely become safer and safer for her to invest in, but as you become safer, she may start to need to work through stuff she didn't know was there, or that she didn't feel she could share without risking you closing down further. This may not be true in your case, but it was in mine and I just want you to be prepared in case. But I do think this board can offer encouragement and support along the way.

Personally, I think it's awesome that you've acknowledged what happened and how it's impacted you, and that you're willing to work to improve things with your wife. If it's possible for you, perhaps an LGBT support group where you can talk with other folks who've all too likely had experience with gaybashing might be helpful.

For me, the most important piece of healing our relationship was the consistency. It was hard to believe in the good stuff until my partner kept doing it, and then kept doing it some more, and then still more. It's not easy for either party, and it may sometimes feel unfair or like you're doing all the heavy lifting, but I think that's sometimes the way it goes. You have to keep doing the good work even when there's no immediate prospect of payoff/reward.

I do think you have many reasons to be hopeful though - she stayed. She turned to someone else for the emotional support that she needed, but she didn't cross any physical lines. She told you. She loves you and is in love with you. She's tired, but she's there. That's really wonderful! And blind stupid faith is a fantastic (and often necessary) thing to have! It can get you through.

 

[raven1960]

I know how easy it is to shut down and close off when you've been hurt, thats what I do. Its wonderful that you both still love each other. That is huge reason for hope. In my case I've been married for 20 years and he's content, but I am miserable and feel trapped. My only advice is to start now and notice the great things about each other. Maybe even start a gratitude journal (hey...maybe I should even take my own advice). And to the gay bashers I wish for them a change of attitude and heart, and if thats not possible... then karma.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I don't think we should look to our partners for happiness but I do think its important that each individual gets their needs meet within the partnership. I think that's what she may have meant when she said she wasn't going to look to you for happiness- likely related to not feeling like she could turn to you to have her emotional needs met.

I'm wondering if your able to have that discussion with her as it seems like right now you also have precise needs within the relationship that you feel are not being met (needing praise and encouragement). I think its important that you both begin to feel like you can rely on each other as its the only way to begin to rebuild the foundation of your relationship.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Things have been a little better. I let myself break down walls and talked to her without holding back anything. I'm now working on myself. I told her what I needed and she told me what she needed, we are working to keep our relationship. I know it's not always sunshine and cupcakes, especially with me and my symptoms. I know that I can't hide and run from my feelings anymore.