My Mind Is Blank, But Still Full

[imsomeoneelse]

Bad night. Every night is bad, but tonight is even worse. I'm scared someone is going to break into my apartment, because there is so many sounds. I keep on looking out the peephole in my door, and out my windows. It's empty. Another sound again. I flinch.
I want to stop thinking about Everything, but, it's so weird, because when I'm trying to Think about it so I can write about it, ask questions and stuff, it's just empty in my head. So I keep on having Flashbacks and thinking about it happening, but I can't really remember it.. does that make sense?
I don't know, it's a bad night, my head is a mess.
Another sound again.
I'm tired.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

Another bad night. It was good at first, because my friend is here. But now she is sleeping, and I'm doing Everything I can to avoid sleep. Avoid the nightmares. I can't deal with the thought of going to school tomorrow. I can't deal with the thought of going anywhere tomorrow!

 

[imsomeoneelse]

Sad. Disappointed. But it was to be expected. I don't know why I'm so persistent in hoping, even though I know it's all in vain. It's a nice feeling at first, hope. Then it's just depressing. I knew it would be like this, but I hoped, a bit careful at first, and then I actually let myself Believe that something good would finally happen. I'm at my sisters house, trying not to cry. So tired of bad Days and even worse nights. Give me something to hold on to, please. But don't let me hope anymore.
This is bad. As Always. Feeling like this I know the nightmares will definitely be here tonight, so I will, as Always, stay awake for as long as I can. My Eyes are already red after too Little sleep, and I fell asleep during class, but whatever. I can't deal with this and nightmares. And Everything else.
I'm sorry, it's just that I thought I had found something good in my Life at last. It wouldn't have come too soon. So sorry about my pity party.
):

 

[imsomeoneelse]

Well.. today has been both good and bad. I actually got things done today, yey! (:
I vacuumed my apartment, I finally picked up Three of my moving boxes (I have lived here for 7 months now, and still haven't got it done, oopsie), and then threw trash, and then I did the dish, and then I took a looong and wonderful shower, and then I washed six! Machines of laundry! (: I also did my homework for once. (:
It's nice.. not thinking for a while. I just wish I had the energy to keep myself occupied everyday.

 

[joeylittle]

Good job taking advantage of the energy you DID have! Sounds like a super-productive day.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

Thank you (:

 

[imsomeoneelse]

I'm in school, and it's bad. Like really really bad. I try and tell myself to go into a role, so I won't feel anything. But it's hard right now.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

I really shouldn't be surprises whenever my mom lies, break her promises or let me down anymore. .. and i shouldn't feel so sad all the time, you think i should be used to itby now. But gosh im not. I keep on hoping this time shall be different.
I'm so angry because I remember once when I tried to kill myself, but changed my mind, I told her about swallowing all those pills and she just shrugged her ahoulders and went to bed.
That hurt.
Her barely ever visiting me in the hospital also hurt.
Seeing my friends hug and laugh with their mother hurts the most. Because I know That will never be us.
Sorry for all the errors, writing on my phone.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

I can't take this. How many times before havent I said that? But it's true, it always have been. I am tired and sick of this. I'm trying to remind myself that it is aunday and I always get worse during sundays. But really, it seems like it is sunday everyday and I am tired of it. Of everything.
People tell me it is life, but if this is all there is to life then I really feel like I am just wasting my time.
I can't stop thinking about everything that happened too.. it is always in my mind, stealing my energy and I can't concentrate on what Im supposed to.
Soon it will get better and it will be worth it.. or so they say.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

There was a power outage in my neighbourhood tonight. When the power in my partment shut oiff my first thought that he was here and would kill ne. then I looked out and I thought I had gone mad, everything was black. it was horrrible. brougt back so many memories and not knowing what is in the dark scares me to death.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

I dont want to have a body anymore. I dont ant to be just a body to some. I want to be nothing, in another form. Where nodoby can ever touch me again.

 

[imsomeoneelse]

I start to feel something again, and then I shut off.. I can't help it, can't stop it. It's scary to feel, to be vulnerable, but it is also so awfully boring being empty..