D
Deleted member 20280
Retracing back to last Wednesday the 19th. I had been out for the afternoon and for the past few months someone (unknown) has been tampering with my flat door to the point my paranoia has seen me leaving little traps, subtle hidden ones so that whenever I return to the flat, so that I will know if anyone has tampered at all with my door.
I returned to the flat at approx 1800hrs UK standard time to discover that the door had not only been tampered with, my flat had in fact been entered, my wallet with £150.00 in it stolen and the slam plate on the door jam arcitrave split. As you can imagine, a sufferer such as myself, paranoid and DX'd with Explosive Tendancies, I went BOOM!
I had to calm myself urgently andclear my rage that was escalating to epic proportions very quickly. I contacted a member here on the forum, put in place a safety net in the chat room in case I totally Flipped **these members both know who they are and will always remain dear friends to me, they havde saved me many a time previously ** I also went to see a dear close friend where I live and he talked sense to me and I reported the matter to the Police ** huge trigger for me as I am an Ex Police Dispatcher and Emergency call handler, I was employed by them when I broke down and ended up being sectioned and as a result lost my previously un-blemished career.
Within 45 minutes *as outlined in the UK Military Covenant 2008* I was in interview with a WPC who took relevant details, advised me appropriatelly that without any witnesses or firm suspects ** there is no CCTV where I reside** that there would be very little to bring forth any form of prosecution. This was recorded as a burglary, I received my crime number and victim care leaflet and the crime was closed "Recorded no further lines of viable enquiry" and IMHO quite rightly (now I think about it in the cold light of day".
I did not return to my flat for three days and stayed at my mates house in his spare room sio that I was around someone who could calm me and stop me flipping opver the edge *as I said in the OP above I am desperate to regain control of my emotional outbursts*.
Fast forward to 3am this morning..... I was sat at my computer watching a video on Ancient Egypt and the demise of Amun RA! **ok I am a nerd lol **. When it suddenly dawned on me that not only had the 24th come and gone without any form of issues for me, so had the 21st and 22nd *both sig' dates for me'
Gobsmacked is no where near strong enough a word to describe the feelings I was having. I had a feeling of elation sweep through me that I had survived the burglary relativelly unscathed, got through a futher 3 sig dates totally unscathed and there I was *ok not sleeping again* but I was calm, untriggered and emotionaly detatched and level headed about the past events last week.
So to end this update I took the Bull by his proverbial Bo**ocks and made a decision.
My mother is now in her 70's and desperate to have as much of a relationship with her children as she can, she and I have been working really hard to repair our relationship the past 18 months and are making really good headway where that is concerned.
"So what is so significant then Laurie ?" I hear many ask.
At 9am this morning I was at mum's for breakfast and my eldet stbrother **and main viscious abuser** was sat in front of her computer when mum was taken ill. I took the opportunity to have a "Quiet word with him !!"
So well out of mum's earshot I told him straight
" I know exactly what HELL! you put me through as a small child and so do you, don't ever try and deny it to me again (A)"
" I will never forget what you did too me and made me do as a kid!"
" I will never EVER forgive you for the pain and brutal suffering you made me endure all those years.!"
"BUT, for mum's sake I am prepared to draw a line as of right now. I have already promised her that as long as she is alive I will NOT take my wrath out on you, I will NOT give in to my rage and justifiably deal are ten yearswith you myself!"
"If you ever try and deny what you did to me and made me suffer even once brother, I WILL deal, and deal appropriatelly"
"Remember I am not 5 yrs old anymore, I am 44 years old and have beaten black and blue many a time these last 26 years. If I have to again, I will.!"
A look of understanding and acknowledgement shrouded his gaze as he looked sheepishly at me.
"I want you to simply admit (A) ,that what you put me through was abuse, it was unjustified as you are ten years my senior. What I suffered was cruelty at best, terrifying for a toddler to endure at worst!"
"A simple ' Yes I abused you Laurie!' will suffice.!"
A few minutes of steely silence followed when he then spoke for the first time during this as yet one sided conversation.
"YES, I admit what I made you suffer was abusive and cruel"
At this moment I extended my right hand and said to him.
"Right then brother, on this handshake you fully accept your last words, I agree not to deal in my own way and we draw a line in the sand, We BOTH agree what the past in FACT was. You never try and deny again,or try and explain why, justify throwing a three yr old down the stairs smashing hs face *my face* on the stone floor below".
He agreed and I can totally say now that I feel much much better for in my eyes, 'Being the Bigger Man' is the way to go.
I now feel that I can truly say my past is albut left behind me now and I can finally really start to move on with my future.
I have no delusions that I will still have my issues, I will still trigger and have flashbacks like all sufferers. I know from my own experience and from interacting with the members on here that PTSD is for life, we can never be totally free from issues, we can only simply get to a place where we cope better with triggers and emotional situations.
All-in-all I feel much calmer in myself now.
I returned to the flat at approx 1800hrs UK standard time to discover that the door had not only been tampered with, my flat had in fact been entered, my wallet with £150.00 in it stolen and the slam plate on the door jam arcitrave split. As you can imagine, a sufferer such as myself, paranoid and DX'd with Explosive Tendancies, I went BOOM!
I had to calm myself urgently andclear my rage that was escalating to epic proportions very quickly. I contacted a member here on the forum, put in place a safety net in the chat room in case I totally Flipped **these members both know who they are and will always remain dear friends to me, they havde saved me many a time previously ** I also went to see a dear close friend where I live and he talked sense to me and I reported the matter to the Police ** huge trigger for me as I am an Ex Police Dispatcher and Emergency call handler, I was employed by them when I broke down and ended up being sectioned and as a result lost my previously un-blemished career.
Within 45 minutes *as outlined in the UK Military Covenant 2008* I was in interview with a WPC who took relevant details, advised me appropriatelly that without any witnesses or firm suspects ** there is no CCTV where I reside** that there would be very little to bring forth any form of prosecution. This was recorded as a burglary, I received my crime number and victim care leaflet and the crime was closed "Recorded no further lines of viable enquiry" and IMHO quite rightly (now I think about it in the cold light of day".
I did not return to my flat for three days and stayed at my mates house in his spare room sio that I was around someone who could calm me and stop me flipping opver the edge *as I said in the OP above I am desperate to regain control of my emotional outbursts*.
Fast forward to 3am this morning..... I was sat at my computer watching a video on Ancient Egypt and the demise of Amun RA! **ok I am a nerd lol **. When it suddenly dawned on me that not only had the 24th come and gone without any form of issues for me, so had the 21st and 22nd *both sig' dates for me'
Gobsmacked is no where near strong enough a word to describe the feelings I was having. I had a feeling of elation sweep through me that I had survived the burglary relativelly unscathed, got through a futher 3 sig dates totally unscathed and there I was *ok not sleeping again* but I was calm, untriggered and emotionaly detatched and level headed about the past events last week.
So to end this update I took the Bull by his proverbial Bo**ocks and made a decision.
My mother is now in her 70's and desperate to have as much of a relationship with her children as she can, she and I have been working really hard to repair our relationship the past 18 months and are making really good headway where that is concerned.
"So what is so significant then Laurie ?" I hear many ask.
At 9am this morning I was at mum's for breakfast and my eldet stbrother **and main viscious abuser** was sat in front of her computer when mum was taken ill. I took the opportunity to have a "Quiet word with him !!"
So well out of mum's earshot I told him straight
" I know exactly what HELL! you put me through as a small child and so do you, don't ever try and deny it to me again (A)"
" I will never forget what you did too me and made me do as a kid!"
" I will never EVER forgive you for the pain and brutal suffering you made me endure all those years.!"
"BUT, for mum's sake I am prepared to draw a line as of right now. I have already promised her that as long as she is alive I will NOT take my wrath out on you, I will NOT give in to my rage and justifiably deal are ten yearswith you myself!"
"If you ever try and deny what you did to me and made me suffer even once brother, I WILL deal, and deal appropriatelly"
"Remember I am not 5 yrs old anymore, I am 44 years old and have beaten black and blue many a time these last 26 years. If I have to again, I will.!"
A look of understanding and acknowledgement shrouded his gaze as he looked sheepishly at me.
"I want you to simply admit (A) ,that what you put me through was abuse, it was unjustified as you are ten years my senior. What I suffered was cruelty at best, terrifying for a toddler to endure at worst!"
"A simple ' Yes I abused you Laurie!' will suffice.!"
A few minutes of steely silence followed when he then spoke for the first time during this as yet one sided conversation.
"YES, I admit what I made you suffer was abusive and cruel"
At this moment I extended my right hand and said to him.
"Right then brother, on this handshake you fully accept your last words, I agree not to deal in my own way and we draw a line in the sand, We BOTH agree what the past in FACT was. You never try and deny again,or try and explain why, justify throwing a three yr old down the stairs smashing hs face *my face* on the stone floor below".
He agreed and I can totally say now that I feel much much better for in my eyes, 'Being the Bigger Man' is the way to go.
I now feel that I can truly say my past is albut left behind me now and I can finally really start to move on with my future.
I have no delusions that I will still have my issues, I will still trigger and have flashbacks like all sufferers. I know from my own experience and from interacting with the members on here that PTSD is for life, we can never be totally free from issues, we can only simply get to a place where we cope better with triggers and emotional situations.
All-in-all I feel much calmer in myself now.
