Childhood My Mother Didn't Stop The Abuse

[Denise]

Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...

Sweet_E,
Thank you for sharing part of your story. I identify with your story so much. Although I was not molested, my father physically, mentally and emotionally abused me, my brother, my sister and my mom. I was the baby and always very close to my mom. She was my best friend. At some point in my therapy process I started questioning why she didn't stop the abuse. I even went as far as to question why she ever married him or why she chose to have children with him since she knew he was abusive and controlling before they got married. The main focus of my therapy was always my dad until my mom got sick with cancer and was dying. I needed to talk to her about my resentment against her and why she allowed the abuse to go on for so long and why she married him and had children. I remember the day very well. When I asked her why she chose to have children with him, she stated that they wanted children. That made sense. Then I told her that I thought it was irresponsible and unfair to bring children into an abusive environment when they had no choice in the matter. She was so sad by that statement. She told me that meant that I would never have existed.... to which I replied that it didn't matter because I would either exist to some other family or not know that I didn't exist. That broke her heart. I then wish I had never said that. I then moved on to talking about why she allowed the abuse to happen to continue for so long, always protecting my dad and telling us after his explosive episodes that he didn't mean it and that he loved us. I asked her why she didn't tell anyone or get help. She explained to me that in the 60's and 70's it just wasn't talked about. It was hush hush and not something the ladies in the neighborhood talked about.... but knew. By the time the 80's came around where women were more vocal and getting help, my mom was conditioned to it all. It made sense. She did finally divorce my dad, only to remarry him a few years later... only to re-divorce him a year after that. The abuse didn't stop when they got re-divorced. His alcoholism got worse and his abuse as well. I was somewhat removed from it but still had to see him. My mom and I were always so close and she was very understanding about my therapy processes. She and I were like two peas in a pod and I was devastated when she died about 7 years ago. I am grateful that she and I talked about all of that stuff before she died. I am grateful that I heard her "side of the story". I had only ever thought of my side and my feelings. (I'm not saying that you need to do that, I'm just saying that is how I feel for my story!) My dad's story has a very tragic ending, which I sometimes wonder if it's karmic or just tragic.... a year and a half ago my brother killed my father and then committed suicide. I have to wonder if all that pent up rage that my brother had from childhood (actually his abuse was the worst of the 3 kids and continued into adulthood) just got the best of him. My brother was an alcoholic and addict and my dad and brother had a very toxic love/hate relationship. So if it be tragic or karmic or both, that's how it ended. And now I am left to process that too. It feels like it's never ending. God, that's a whole new post I suppose. Anyway, I was touched by your post so I wanted to share some of my story with you, thanks again for sharing :-)
Denise

 

[Scarlet13]

Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...

This all makes a lot of sense to me. My mom did nothing to help me when the men in her life abused me. In fact she would blame me for bringing on their abuse.
I also have issues with care givers. I am still healing from the mishandling of care after I had post partum depression.
These issues all make sense. It is worse when a mother does not help. This is abandonment. It is hard because her reaction is not proportional to what was happening. She should have investigated that further and then divorced him and gotten you therapy or even report him. It sounds like she was in a lot if denial. The thing about denial as that it starts to cloud the truth of what is believed in the brain.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have so much anger still at my alcoholic, Narcissistic mom. She was killed in a plane crash when I was nineteen years old so I never had a chance to confront her. She was in fact one of those rogue mothers who hated me all of my life.

When I finally got into therapy at age thirty, I shortly found out afterwards that both of my children had been molested and in spite of the fact that I had already been on the verge of having a breakdown.,,,,,I did everything in my power to help them get justice and good therapy support, that I saw and heard them now and believed them and supported them.

These poor kids had tried to tell me but the night before I had one of the worst fights with my husband and was so shattered and dissociated that I did not hear them. They had tried to tell me and I did not hear them at all.For a few years they had to live with this secret unhelped and unheard.

Once I realized this I tried to kill myself because of how much I had failed to protect them. I thank the grace of God for not allowing me to go through with it. I got more help and chose to live but I live with guilt feelings still to this day and my son had died so many years ago.

I was into art therapy and learned that when child is believed, seen, heard and supported the knots that represent traumas in their young lives on their drawings, begin to show signs of healing. I remember the day when my daughter first drew a tree without a knot.

So basically I think any parent who does nothing at all when the child finally grows up is so badly traumatized that healing is so much more complicated. It sounds to me like your mom never felt guilt or showed that she felt guilt and I would ask her if she ever felt guilty afterwards to do a reality check to find out what you are really dealing with, once you have healed enough to have that conversation. You did not get to be the way you are now , overnight so it is going to be a lengthy process for your healing journey as far as what really went on with her and I wish you so much good luck and hope that she will tell you how much this has haunted her over the years and how guilty she has felt.

Just my take on this based on my experience with my own kids.

 

[Scarlet13]

I have so much anger still at my alcoholic, Narcissistic mom. She was killed in a plane crash when I was n...

I think it is extremely hard to be a mother with trauma. You made some mistakes as a mother especially while you were just starting therapy. This was due to your trauma wounds and dissasociation. Pain is like a virus infecting families, crossing generations and it wont stop due to denial and minimization. However, you stopped it from spreading. You saw your mistake, you repaired the harm that was done. That is amazing. Something my mother would never do. She depends upon her denial. She literally lives in a fantasy world. I feel bad for her. You are not doing that @Rain. You are living with your pain and being a mother who is seeing her kids. If you had confronted your own mother with NPD she might not have even heard you. That is the nature to NPD.
I have made mistakes with my children. I have acted like my mother at times, yelled at them, guilted them. But then I drag myself to therapy and I tolerate my shame and guilt and I state what I do without denial, without minimization. Because I am fighting for truth, for a real life. You might have to deal with your guilt, but it is in the open and not pushed down, that takes strength.
And to the OP, you can love your mom, be close to her, but she dealt you a grave injustice. If my child said, "I don't like how so and so touches me." That is an immediate red flag. That does not sound like you are talking about tickling.
I think parents sometimes don't hear you because it is too painful to hear. This does not excuse it away. My son told me he was pinched by the preschool teacher. Her story was that she did not do it on purpose, that was a lie, yet I believed her over my 3 year old. Luckily, I pulled him out of there, but not for 1 mos. So, I made a mistake. It was easier to believe that a teacher would not just deliberately pinch a small child. Your mom probably could not even fathom your stepdad molesting you. But what she did was wrong.

 

[Sweet_E]

Sweet_E,
Thank you for sharing part of your story. I identify with your story so much. Although I was no...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Our stories do have some commonalities. Hearing other people's stories have really helped me a great deal. For now, I feel like I have made peace with this part of my healing. Just hearing other people's stories and insights have helped me make some sense of it. It is possible that later on things may change and I may want to speak to my mom about it, but I feel in a good place about it right now, thanks to people like you sharing their stories.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all of those deaths - it sounds like just the one experience of the murder/suicide alone would be enough to send someone into an intensive healing journey. I admire your strength and commitment to healing and sorting out what you've been through.

My step-dad passed away in his 50s and his family didn't tell us how he died. My step-cousin told me about it on Facebook (same way I found out that my half-brother's body was found!) My cousin just said, about his death, that he was fighting a lot of demons. So I suspect that it was either suicide or drug related. The tough thing that followed was that my mom posted something on Facebook when he died about him that painted him in a very positive light. It immediately sent me into an intense flashback and into a rage. I messaged her asking her to remove the post that glorifies the man who abused me and then called her. It was when I was on the phone with her that I got triggered. I think I may have talked about that in either this thread or a different one.

 

[Sweet_E]

In my house, it was my father who didn't protect us from my mother. She was physically and emotionall...

I'm sorry that happened to you. As an adult, when I was indecently assaulted, I felt guilty and ashamed that I pretended that I was asleep and didn't try to stop it. My therapist said, this was the way I coped when I was molested as a kid so it made sense I did this as an adult. I didn't tell anyone about it for a while either. I never connected it to the fact that asking for help in the past wasn't a success. Very good insight.

 

[Denise]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Our stories do have some commonalities. Hearing other people'...

I am glad that you have made peace with your part of it and that you are in a good place with it :-)