I wrote updates in my diary but buried in all my writing there, just wanted to update on this thread.
Also I am not sure why some people seem to have chilled to me who were actually really important connections, at the worst possible time. Or one was, the other was just someone I thought cared some.
My mother was sleeping when I visited and we woke her up. Her face was all droopy but not asymettrical so ambiguous about stroke. They think they have ruled out stroke with CT and EEG, think likely it is seizures and I guess by time I'd left have ruled out infection.
She also was confused in new ways than I've seen before, even with the dementia of last year. But this seemed to improve as she was awake.
She no longer responds to me. She answers the nurse but not me. She answered a little a few times, but with nonsensical replies. I was asking her about memories of her life, and she would say she wants pizza.
I don't know if people are getting this, but my childhood was filled with neglect and abandonment and my mother raised me but was alternately abusive and loving. A year ago she served Xmas dinner to my ex-wife and I. Now she has gained 60 pounds, has been moved into permanent assisted living, generally is showing extreme apathy and not engaging with anyone, and her health has been rapidly deteriorating across the board.
Over the same time span I've been trying to process losing my father to death in 2011 (after losing him to maybe dementia or maybe just abandonment in 2005) and losing my wife though the worst turbulent time of my entire life following the terrorist attack in 2013 that also lost me my job. How anyone who has been my friend could possibly follow all this and hear my mother has now collapsed and is in the hospital could possibly decide now is a good time to completely chill to me is completely beyond my understanding. I have no idea if it's pettiness or something I did and have no idea about or what, but I'm convulsing here with basically abandonment triggers galore.
I do appreciate all who posted warm wishes and support, it does help greatly. Not commenting on anyone here. I am feeling though that I'm being run off the site and I don't know why. I LITERALLY cannot imagine coping with everything right now if I lost the supports here. I have a few outside supports but it's hard. My one close friend just told me he got the job he was seeking in FLA so will be moving away end of month.
I am sorry for whatever I've done. That is, I must have done something, have no idea whatsoever what it is, and am sorry for that.
Having suicidal ideations first time in a while. I am pretty sure I will stay alive no matter what and am having to keep telling myself whatever is happening right now will pass, people will offer support. I'm in trigger city.
Thank you all for reading and really these concerns are not directed AT ALL at people who have been and are being supportive.
