My Name Should Be Lettinggoofhope Right Now...

[Holdingontohope]

I am having a difficult day today. I don't know if I can keep going. Ever since the visit from my father and grandfather (my abuser) last week I haven't been doing well. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts right now. I don't know why I should stick around just to continue to feel this pain. No one cared about me as a child and no one does now. I don't matter. I have never mattered. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be free from this pain. Did my family want me to know how truely worthless and insignificant I am? Well they accomplished that. I am broken. I am damaged. I just want to stop hurting.

I know my therapist would tell me that I need to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. I have tried doing that but it isn't helping right now. How can I try to refute a negative thought when it is the truth? In the past, I have been able to reach out to my therapist, a crisis line, or other such resources when I have felt this way. It just seems pointless right now. I just want to wait until everyone at home goes to sleep tonight and then disappear quietly.

I am not really looking for any kind of response to my post or anything. I just thought, maybe writing out how I was feeling would be helpful in some way. I guess there is a small part of me that wants to keep fighting, it just seems to be getting weaker and smaller righr now.

 

[City Slicker]

Please keep fighting @Holdingontohope - I have no idea when it all will be better for you but I would care if you weren't here.

I will hold onto hope for you right now.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I am having a difficult day today. I don't know if I can keep going.

Hope, we are holding onto you. Please call the crisis line, and your therapist. Please don't just let yourself "disappear quietly." When is your next appointment with your therapist? Can that be moved up?

I wish there was a easy way to change negative thoughts, but it's not as easy as just thinking positive thoughts. Can you think of one positive thing you really, truly do believe in? One reason to live? Suicide is the opposite of quietly disappearing, for the survivors. Can you do something nice for yourself, something physical like take a walk outside? That is helpful for your body, and might distract you, help some time pass, and make you feel just a teeny tiny bit better.

Have you called the crisis line yet?

@Holdingontohope, I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child, and what you are going through now. I want you to read a poem I wrote in my art journal when I was feeling like I just wanted to disappear. Here it is:

Can you enlarge that enough to read it? I will write the words in another post. I just want to send this now so you know you are not alone ... We are hearing your voice in the darkness.

 

[Friday]

So if it's the truth that you never mattered in the past... Why should that mean you'll never matter in the future?

I'm not saying it is the truth, I'm just running with the thought. Let's say it's true. As a child you did not matter to the adults who were supposed to care for you. So why shouldn't it just be more of the same?

- You're not a child. You're an adult.
- You don't have to be taken care of. You can take care of yourself.
- You had no choice. You have many choices.
- You don't need their love. You may need love, but aren't stuck with these assholes as the only source for it, but can find it elsewhere.
- Other points of difference? Countless. Dare you to find them. :sneaky:

This isn't a 30 minute sitcom, or 90 minute film. It's not like we can just say cut to the next scene where you've become the person you wish you were. Instead, there's all this motherf*cking hard work, hard times, hard transitions, hard lessons, & pain between when you were a child and didn't matter, to when you are an adult who matters deeply (if that's who you believe you were, your past; and who you wish to be, your future).

How do I counter a negative truth? I assume it's true, and then I look at what I want to be true, and plot the course. Worst case scenario? I'm wrong, it was never true, and I have a shorter path to walk. The negative is in the past. The positive is in the future. The distance between the two? The path I have to walk. And the presents all f*cked up. But that's okay. That's learning. Learning is always rough. Mastery makes hard shit look easy, but we don't start out with mastery, we aim for mastery. We start from Go. Learn and adjust, and learn some more. Learning how to be the person we want to be. Until we are that person. And the hard times are behind us. That we're still IN hard times? Ain't a reason to quit. It's a reason to keep going. Cuz we're doing something right.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Holdingontohope, i think you should be able to enlarge the image and read the poem. At the time, the only positive thing I could think of that I really, truly believed in, was that eventually my feelings would change for the better. Not only would I feel better, but that my life would feel better, more worth living for.

Hope, you are worth holding onto. A better life is worth holding for. Keep holding onto hope and we will keep holding onto you.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you all for your replies. @Lola Nocheprieta I was able to read the poem. Thank you for sharing it with me. It was something that I needed reminded of, that I have made it through these feelings before and I can today too. I have an appointment with my T tomorrow. I made a bargain with myself that I won't do anything until after my appointment at least. @Friday you made some really good points. Even though I didn't matter before, doesn't mean I won't ever matter. As my T would say "Ignore what those assholes think. It's a reflection of them, not of you. You need to love yourself."

I will try to keep those thoughts in my mind. I'm holding on for tonight at least :-) Hopefully I can dig myself out of this negative hole a little tomorrow.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Good for you, @Holdingontohope! Your T sounds like a badass, I love it.

 

[pixel]

I made a bargain with myself that I won't do anything until after my appointment at least.

Brilliant :)

We're so proud of you @Holdingontohope :tup:

 

[Holdingontohope]

The only thing that has me holding on right now...I'm not sure there is anything. I was doing okay yesterday, but I cannot shake these thoughts today. I am in a really dark place. This is the closest I have felt to suicide in a long time.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Is just simply continuing to exist an accomplishment? My T says it is. He says that on days like this, when I am questioning my ability to keep fighting, that keeping myself alive is an accomplishment I can be proud of. When it takes every ounce of will I have not to give up and stop existing, when it seems like I have nothing to hold onto but I keep holding on, when the emotional pain is so overpowering that I feel like I can't go on but I do anyways, on those days if all I can manage to do is stay alive then I am not a failure. Falling down in this battle is not a failure. Taking longer to get back up on your feet than you think you should is not a failure. You are still here. You are still fighting. You can keep on fighting. You have now failed Hope!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

You are strong and brave, Hope, for holding onto yourself and fighting for your life! And yes, some days, simply continuing to exists is a fight and a half. Keep holding on; you're worth holding on to and you're worth holding on for, @Holdingontohope!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Falling down in this battle is not a failure. Taking longer to get back up on your feet than you think you should is not a failure. You are still here. You are still fighting. You can keep on fighting. You have not failed Hope!

WELL SAID!!!:hug: Here's a "cyber-hug" if that's ok. We have ALL fallen down. Some times it's harder to get up than other times.
The BEST revenge on the people who hurt you is LIVING! You CAN live in triumph! Most of us here have struggled with our existence at one time or another, but we keep fighting .

It's okay to take a day or two "off" from the HARD work of healing...honoring your pain is giving it a "voice", which validates the reason for your pain. There is NOTHING wrong with that! THEN, you get up and continue your fight for strength! You DO MATTER!!! You CAN heal! YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!:hug:

One day at a time, and sometimes, one step at a time. You can follow us, and we'll show you the way.

Blessings and Prayers to you!
AKJ