My Neighbour (again)

[barefoot]

So, I posted at the beginning of the year about my neighbour who'd come round in a state (very upset and crying on my doorstep), so I'd invited her in (with my partner) and then she over-shared a load of intimate stuff about her life, over-stayed her welcome and then cupped my boob on her way out.
Original post is here:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/confused-about-surreal-encounter-with-neighbour.58531/

It had quite an impact - I completely freaked out about it, was very hyper-vigilent, didn't feel safe in my house, couldn't get the feel of her out of the house/off me and got really paranoid about her coming round again.

Then...nothing.

Until...a couple of weeks ago, there's a knock at the door. We didn't answer.

And about half an hour ago - ring of the doorbell. There she is again. We ignored it (both looking at each other panicking) A few minutes later, she rings the doorbell again.

We're torn between whether to a) answer it and tell her we don't want to get involved b) answer it and give her an excuse for why we can't talk (we're on the phone etc) or c) whatever else. Result - we're so busy panicking and trying to decide that we do nothing so, in the end, she leaves.

I've just come upstairs to do some work and have spotted her outside getting something out of her car. She was looking up at the window, probably noticing that the light is now on. Don't know if she could see me or not, but at the very least she must now know (if she didn't before) that one or both of us is in. Can't imagine she'll be round again this evening as it's now 9pm, but my heart is pounding.

I hate this! I hate that I can't manage my reaction to this better. I hate that I'm now feeling so anxious about what to do next time... And now I'm also anxious about the fact that I suspect she knows we are here and have ignored her.

I don't want either of us to have any kind of confrontation with her because I don't trust her, I don't think she's very stable and I don't want this to snowball into anything else more awkward, anxiety-making or unpleasant. I'm interested in any thoughts about the best way forward - continue to avoid and ignore when she comes round or answer the door but make an excuse for why it isn't a good time and we can't talk? I know neither are long term solutions but, again, I don't want to tell her not to come round again - I don't want either of us to have that conversation with her. I hope that my avoiding/ignoring/making excuses, she will get the hint and stop coming. I don't know if that's a realistic hope.

And any other ideas about managing my anxiety around this is also gratefully received.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Oh gosh, she's harassing you, I think I'd try telling her you don't want to get involved. If that doesn't work, is there someone you can report her behaviour to? (read your other thread, she actually assaulted you and honestly if it were me, I'd report her to the police).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember you well and I had hoped by now that she would be leaving you guys alone so I think complete avoidance is the best course to take. You can do this. This woman does not sound safe at all and she crossed the line with the sexual touching. I would stay as far away from her that I was able if I were you.

I also had to hide from some people who were intruding into our lives and eventually we moved far away and lost contact. I wish she would just leave you alone. Stand your ground. I figure that you are also concerned that she will escalate but after being consistent in ignoring her she may give up as well.

 

[Ronin]

Yep, seconded, she's harassing you and has no business being there, trying to be in your lives.

She needs to back off or deal with consequences, you absolutely don't owe her a thing, and don't owe her politeness, so don't worry about that. There's no way to be impolite to intrusions like that.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the support - really trying not to get in a tailspin about this, especially as I have a job interview tomorrow so can really do with a good night's sleep!

@Cj77 and @Cashew - the thing is, I don't think she's meaning to harass me/us. And I know how that probably sounds...I know that I probably sound like I'm making excuses for her and her inappropriate behaviour. And maybe I am. But...she is going through a horrible situation with her husband - we hear them arguing and shouting all the time at the moment and she keeps slamming out of their house, then I can see her crying in their garden. She looks like she's close to breaking point. I know she's having a tough time. I know it's horrible for her. I know she's devastated about what's happened with her relationship and it seems that she doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

And, @Cashew - I know you're right. I don't owe her anything. She's not my friend. It's not my problem if she and her husband are going through a bad break up. But it does make me think that she doesn't actually mean any harm. She wants to come round here to tell us what's going on and to get some sympathy, I think.

The touching thing before...I don't understand why she did it, I don't even think she probably even realises that she did it.

I wish she would just leave you alone. Stand your ground. I figure that you are also concerned that she will escalate but after being consistent in ignoring her she may give up as well.

Thanks gizmo. Me too! So, ok...I think I'm going to stick with avoiding/ignoring and hope she gets the message/gets bored.

The good thing is that their relationship seems to be completely unravelling so I don't think there's a chance that they're going to stay together...but when we heard them shouting at each other last week it sounded like she was refusing to put the house on the market. So, I think they're still going to be living there for a good while yet...

 

[Ronin]

the thing is, I don't think she's meaning to harass me/us.

You're not making excuses for her, you sound like a person that's in a tough spot and doesn't know what to do with that.

Thing is, that doesn't change facts though. She owes you peace. Just because she may not mean to cause you distress? Doesn't change she IS causing you both very real distress and impairment of functioning, and needs to stop yesterday.

Good luck with your interview tomorrow :) Please have a decent rest. Crossed fingers may it go smoothly.

 

[barefoot]

Just because she may not mean to cause you distress? Doesn't change she IS causing you both very real distress

Yes, this ^^^ is true...

Good luck with your interview tomorrow

Thanks... My head is now whirring to much to do any more prep work for it (I've been rehearsing my presentation this evening but it's now just not happening - can't concentrate at all). So, it's time to stop for the night and try to start quieting my head for bed, I think. Thanks :-)

 

[Ronin]

Sweet dreams, @barefoot.

You've given it a lot of prep prior, it will go well, give it as decent sleep as you can fetch with no worries, too. Strength.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Perhaps you could suggest she sees her gp about going for counselling - or somewhere else that can help with her marriage issues?

Good luck for tomorrow :tup:

 

[Friday]

There are times in life where Butlers (and other perimeter guards) are a pure and simple necessity.

Since the Butler's taking the night off? The Mrs' will not be coming to the door. It is not their job to chase away unwanted and unwelcome individuals pressing their business.

For true, just because someone is calling (in person or on the phone) doesn't mean that we are required to answer, much less deal with them. Our homes are not places of business, they are private residences. Personal territory. Mine. Or yours, as this case me be ;). But even businesses reserve the right not to serve people who have pissed them off.

 

[mary1979]

Reading your older thread, in regard to her continuously bringing up your relationship and then touching you in such a personal manner, something crossed my mind.

She sounds very much like a lady that my best friend and her girlfriend encountered a few years ago.
She latched on to them during her marriage break up and just kind of inserted herself permanently in their life for about a year.
My friends are the kind of people who always rescue strays, both animal and human, they are foster carers. So they took her under their wing also and tolerated the woman's bizarre comments and sexual advances.

The friendship concluded pretty much totally (they say hi in the shops now and that's about it) when the lady met and moved in with her new partner.
Who happens to be a woman.

Wonder if your neighbour is struggling with her sexuality as well?

Just a thought.

 

[Bfab]

I agree with FridayJones. I've been in a similar situation with a neighbor and a good friend have me the following advice:
1. If a situation is of chaos and confusion stay away.
2. You don't owe anyone apologies/explanations for protecting your personal space.
As a good neighbor, I'd keep an eye from a distance to ensure she, the husband, and your family are safe from any violence. You are justified for doing exactly what you did.