My Neighbour (again)

[barefoot]

@mary1979 - yes, at one point when she was here disclosing pretty much everything about her life, I did suddenly have a feeling that she was about to out herself. But then she didn't and just reverted to making more bizarre comments about our sexuality. But I do think there's something in that.

I just wish we hadn't been so nice to her when she came round before. But she was on my doorstep in tears - we weren't friends but something was clearly very wrong so I didn't think twice about inviting her in because I was worried. She was in such a state that I actually thought she was going to tell us her husband had died!

 

[barefoot]

just because someone is calling (in person or on the phone) doesn't mean that we are required to answer, much less deal with them.

1. If a situation is of chaos and confusion stay away.
2. You don't owe anyone apologies/explanations for protecting your personal space.

These are useful things to remember.

I dread her turning up in tears again and me being spotted so I can't just avoid opening the door...I know I will find it incredibly hard to turn her away if she is visibly distressed and says she needs to talk. I know I will never say something like "Call the Samaritans"!
But I suppose I do need to bear in mind these things above...and the fact that she is causing me great distress so I should try to prioritise protecting myself rather than helping her with her distress... Which may sounds easy, but I find this very hard.

 

[mary1979]

@mary1979 - yes, at one point when she was here disclosing pretty much everything ab...

Yeah well she sure as heck isn't your problem, nor is her sexuality

I only mentioned it as a way to hopefully ease your fears about it all.

If she's triggering for you then she's gotta go.

I would struggle to tell her to go away too unless shed done something direct to me, which this woman did when she grabbed your boob? Could you find a way to make yourself more angry about her invasion of your space maybe?
My way would be to ignore her til she gave up as well hah!

Stupid people.

 

[barefoot]

My way would be to ignore her til she gave up as well hah!

Stupid people

:-) Yes...I think ignoring is the way I'm going to keep going.

I don't feel angry with her. I feel annoyed with myself...annoyed for letting her in in the first place, for not getting rid of her sooner, for just standing there and letting her hug me when I didn't want her to, for then freaking out about it all, for now feeling so anxious about it, for making my partner feels stressed about it because I feel so stressed about it...lots of things...but I'm annoyed with myself, not with her.

 

[Casey_03]

I think that if you ignore her and she doesn't get the hint, it is just going to lead to a major spike in your anxiety levels and feel like a dark cloud hovering over you until the issue is resolved .... but at the same time, confronting her or telling her you don't want to get involved may just lead to conflict, so I'd ignore her for now and then if she doesn't get the hint, confront her in some way or another -- perhaps by dropping a letter in her mailbox. That way you don't actually have to do the face-to-face thing and risk her falling apart in front of you. I would also like to add that I had a very similar situation, so know where you're coming from. In college one year during my overseas study, I had a female roommate who turned out to be incredibly unstable. She started intruding into my room in hysterics, often while drunk, revealing embarrassing, intimate things and hitting on me. She would even beg me to cuddle with her and on one occasion got so psychotic she sat outside my door and started banging her head against it repeatedly. It was such a terrible situation all around. I had to just lock myself in my room and avoid her at all costs. But it turned out she was in a very abusive relationship at the time and was not getting the help she needed, so was ridiculously unstable ... At the end of the day, I felt bad for her but was not equipped to help her on my own and quickly realized that any empathy I did show her would just lead her on and make things worse. And yeah, like you, I also got really annoyed with myself for "letting" her intrude ... but the thing is, she crossed that line, not me. And it's the same in your situation, she is the one who is guilty of harassment here (albeit unintentional harassment) and she is the one who should be stressing about how she's behaved.

 

[Sandstone]

One practical line of defence might be to get a leaflet or print out details fora relevant support organisation, and keep it by the door. if you ever do accidentally open the door to her, you can thrust the paperwork into her hands as fend her off saying "I can't help you, but try these people" and shut the door again. You don't owe her anything at all.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Casey_03 Yes, I think your suggested approach is what I'll do...if she doesn't get the hint and keeps turning up, I'll have to think of my next response.

Sounds like you had a nightmare with your roommate - it's so incredibly stressful. As you say, they are in difficult situations themselves, that's why we feel for them and try to help. And that's then what gets us into a muddle ourselves if we're not careful.

Realising I still have a long way to go with my squiffy (my therapist's description!) boundaries...

 

[barefoot]

@Sandstone - the thing is, I don't really know what organisation/support I would point her to.

I think they are just splitting up (I don't mean "just" to undermine that it's a difficult, upsetting experience. I mean I don't think there's anything abusive going on etc). She basically hates his kids. And they started having regular threesomes with her female friend, which she's now put a stop to (even though she told us that she had instigated it) - and I know she suspects that he is still meeting the friend for...fun times! So, I think those two things have basically meant that he wants out.

It sounds messy and painful and she's clearly devastated that he wants to end their relationship. But, I'm not really sure where I'd suggest she goes to for help with it.

 

[Friday]

I dread her turning up in tears again and me being spotted so I can't just avoid opening the door...I

So... I get in this thing... Where I know someone is there, and their presence weighs about 9,000 pounds. Which means I will get exactly zero done in the way of relaxing, or productive work, and everything in between.

When I'm in that headspace? I put on my Butler's cap. ;) Time to send the riff raff running.

I can't send people away for my own peace of mind (can so, just usually don't), but will cheerfully send them on their way (by their collar if necessary) for someone else's. Like your wife's.

Things that help :
- Distancing Language.
- Body Language
- Short, clear, directions.

Think : The opposite of therapy. Closed & bossy. Not open & willing to Anything (listen, act, help, nothing.) Her emotional state is not your problem to solve.

- Dehumanize. Nicknames are quirky in that they can either create distance or closeness. Distancing language of any kind will help, though.
- Don't open yourself up. Close your body off (crossed arms, angled away from them), eye contact only if you can be "in control" (easiest way to do this is tilt your face down, but keep your eyes up. Practice in a mirror. Look at yourself, then lower your chin/face but keep looking at yourself. It's an aggressive move. LOL. You can "play" with it by moving your face up and down ;) Aggressive. Normal. Aggressive. Normal. Even when smiling, if you're maintaining eye contact with the bottom of your irises showing/too covered? It's a very dominant position to be coming from. Its a very subtle and universally "felt" (across cultures). Otherwise, no eye contact. Look at their neck. Or their ear. Or the lamppost. If you can't maintain position of authority? Don't try it. Go for "you aren't even worth looking at" dismissive, instead.

"Look here, cupcake. I appreciate that you're in distress/ gotten yourself in a pickle/ etc. But you've worn out your welcome here, and need to be on your way."

"Oh! But that's part of what-"

"No. You want to apologize? Grand. Write something. Put it in the mail. I will not have you distressing my wife. You need to go, now."

 

[barefoot]

Ah, Friday....if only I had your feist!
And actually, I do in other sorts of ways. I'm just pathetically bad with the boundary stuff.

I'm going to try practising the eye contact thing in the mirror - good tip, thank you!

 

[Sandstone]

There's Relate, http://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk, http://www.supportline.org.uk. A few pages printed off each of their websites could form a useful physical barrier between you and her.

 

[Fadeaway]

I may be the odd one out here but I don't think waiting to see if she gets the hint is the answer. I would write her a note. leave it on the windshield of her car or something. I would say something along the lines of, "We are very private people who do not appreciate having guest show up unannounced. We are more often than not unprepared for visitors unless invitations were sent out in advance."

I am really tired and the wording is sucky, but honestly some people do not take the hint.

Or you can put up a sign like I once did that said,

To all who knock on this door:
If you are a sales person, by knocking on this door you are entering into a legal contract to purchase a minimum of $100 worth of merchandise from myself.
If you are peddling religion, by knocking on my door you are denouncing your religion and converting to one that I will randomly choose for you.
If you are anyone else and have not bene invited or made previously made me aware of your visit, I will assume you are knocing because someone's life is in mortal danger and I will be on the phone with 911 prior to opening the door.

I used to get seriously triggered by anyone knocking on my door. I still panic.