My obsessive thought is to disappear on my family. When the thought presents itself is usually after I have suffered a significant break down, melt down, overwhelmed.
Once I regain composer I am burdened with the thoughts of my children growing up with a father who simply cannot handle situations of a certain gravity, some of which are simple life regularities. Their development depends on my guidance, well not sole, but as a parent I do play a crucial role.
My wife recently has begun to tell me how resentful she is of me. I do not do enough around the house to display to her that I care, I am not proactive enough to fully participate in extracurricular activities, some of which are highly stressful and triggering. My inability to sleep is affecting her, I now sleep on the couch, my choice, to minimize fights and allow her rest.
I feel that under the circumstances of my cPTSD; from untreated childhood abuse and multiple years of work related trauma, I have and still ungo therapy. I am doing the best that I can to be a father and partner. I talk with my kids about problems and happy parts of their day, I sit them down and help them process the emotions and thoughts after I have had a breakdown. put them to bed, tuck them in, read, etc. I do the laundry, and put it away, I take the trash out, also to the curb on the days required, I do dishes and vacuum randomly, take time off of work to take my kids to appointments, therapy, parents days, etc. I've known non suffering individuals to do less. I am doing the best I can do with my mental disorder yet...My partner is not satisfied.
About 2 weeks ago she told me that our relationship feels less and less like a partnership each time I gripe about something she wants me to do, and she isn't sure how much more of it she can stand. More disclosure, I, now, work a very physical job, usually by the end of the day I have lifted no less than 32,000 lbs. She runs a daycare of 14 kids, with employee, out of our home; stressful but not physically demanding.
Again I tried my best to correct what she found displeasing but when you have slept maybe 20 hours for the entire week and work such a physical job, while dealing with all the bricks that come with suffering PTSD, I do not always have the energy to please. I didn't clear the dishwasher after my 10 hr work day so she decided that she should inform me that just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean I can do so little.
This was only a few days ago, she hasn't apologized for the comments, only that she recognized that it hurt me. My obsessive thought has increased, along with my planning, but so has my thoughts of dying.
For most of my life doing my best was not good enough and I was punished for it. I've been fighting for two thirds of my life, I'm tired of fighting and being ridiculed for what I've earned. The easy path seems so inviting.
As with all situations there are always multiple angles, stories, details, I just needed to constructively vent, rather than become destructive. thank you.
Once I regain composer I am burdened with the thoughts of my children growing up with a father who simply cannot handle situations of a certain gravity, some of which are simple life regularities. Their development depends on my guidance, well not sole, but as a parent I do play a crucial role.
My wife recently has begun to tell me how resentful she is of me. I do not do enough around the house to display to her that I care, I am not proactive enough to fully participate in extracurricular activities, some of which are highly stressful and triggering. My inability to sleep is affecting her, I now sleep on the couch, my choice, to minimize fights and allow her rest.
I feel that under the circumstances of my cPTSD; from untreated childhood abuse and multiple years of work related trauma, I have and still ungo therapy. I am doing the best that I can to be a father and partner. I talk with my kids about problems and happy parts of their day, I sit them down and help them process the emotions and thoughts after I have had a breakdown. put them to bed, tuck them in, read, etc. I do the laundry, and put it away, I take the trash out, also to the curb on the days required, I do dishes and vacuum randomly, take time off of work to take my kids to appointments, therapy, parents days, etc. I've known non suffering individuals to do less. I am doing the best I can do with my mental disorder yet...My partner is not satisfied.
About 2 weeks ago she told me that our relationship feels less and less like a partnership each time I gripe about something she wants me to do, and she isn't sure how much more of it she can stand. More disclosure, I, now, work a very physical job, usually by the end of the day I have lifted no less than 32,000 lbs. She runs a daycare of 14 kids, with employee, out of our home; stressful but not physically demanding.
Again I tried my best to correct what she found displeasing but when you have slept maybe 20 hours for the entire week and work such a physical job, while dealing with all the bricks that come with suffering PTSD, I do not always have the energy to please. I didn't clear the dishwasher after my 10 hr work day so she decided that she should inform me that just because I have a mental illness doesn't mean I can do so little.
This was only a few days ago, she hasn't apologized for the comments, only that she recognized that it hurt me. My obsessive thought has increased, along with my planning, but so has my thoughts of dying.
For most of my life doing my best was not good enough and I was punished for it. I've been fighting for two thirds of my life, I'm tired of fighting and being ridiculed for what I've earned. The easy path seems so inviting.
As with all situations there are always multiple angles, stories, details, I just needed to constructively vent, rather than become destructive. thank you.
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