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Deleted member 28403
My parents put tons of pressure on me, the school system, everyone. I don't know how to change the way I was taught to think, but I hate it.
I am a briliant mathematician and my only mistakes are due to stuff like me fading out during such stuff. I know that in real life I will probably have a calculator on me. A few days ago there was a man in the library who noticed me falling down. He gave me support and made me feel better about myself for the moment, but whenever I get home the situation is that I don't get praised for anything, except for when I say that they don't support or praise me enough, which is once a month or every 2 months, but it isn't a helping praise. All I can see is my own inperfections. My own faults. I always feel that I will fail in life, achieve absolutely nothing. I am torn apart. I lost the love I had before for work I did, now I'm like a computer with a virus. Capable, fast, good at my task, but without feelings. I feel only pain towarda most stuff I do. I can barely write as I'm crying now. My parents are mad at me because I have bad sight, as I didn't wear glasses when I was 10 due to bullying. Mad at me because I can't hear well. I am sorrowed. I hate this world for all that pain, I hate my parents for seeing none of my achievements, and exposing only faults. I hate myself for the imperfection I am. I'm sorry I was born. I'm hate myself. I hate the life I'm living, all the unhappyness, all mistakes I ever made. I hate it that I can't normally talk with people, and my parents just get angry at me for that. They keep telling me that I should be instantly open and able to talk normally with the theraphist, but I can't and they don't understand me. They tell me that I should learn 5 languages by the end of high school, but I don't believe I can, and even if I do, I will be an empty shell by then. Currently I speak only 3 languages well enough to have a conversation, and 1 which I can understand but can't talk in. I hate it how much they expect from me.
I just can't be that much. My life consists of me trying to be better than others. They always compare to my sister who is 6 years older. All the time I'm trying to surpass her, but as soon as I succeed in something, they find another thing at which she is better than me now.
They always put me as the bad example (Do you want to be like your brother) and similar to my little brother and they make me feel bad all the time. I can barely endure it and I often just let out my rage, then they tell me that I am crazy and that I will be a failure as I rage 'without a reason'.
My father made a hole in my room door, luckily it didnt pass through the door, but the hole still broke to the core of the door, so when you slightly push into it from the side where there is no hole, you can hear crackling noises from the wood. They often tell me thet will remove my room door.
If i spend much time on the toilet, which i often do as I have diarrhea or I hold poop up for several days, they rage around telling me how much of their time I waste and telling me they will break down the bathroom door. I have almost no mental peace, I'm always cautious, afraid of failing and everything.
Though I know how life really is, my brain just won't let my sanity take over.
That is my situation.
I am a briliant mathematician and my only mistakes are due to stuff like me fading out during such stuff. I know that in real life I will probably have a calculator on me. A few days ago there was a man in the library who noticed me falling down. He gave me support and made me feel better about myself for the moment, but whenever I get home the situation is that I don't get praised for anything, except for when I say that they don't support or praise me enough, which is once a month or every 2 months, but it isn't a helping praise. All I can see is my own inperfections. My own faults. I always feel that I will fail in life, achieve absolutely nothing. I am torn apart. I lost the love I had before for work I did, now I'm like a computer with a virus. Capable, fast, good at my task, but without feelings. I feel only pain towarda most stuff I do. I can barely write as I'm crying now. My parents are mad at me because I have bad sight, as I didn't wear glasses when I was 10 due to bullying. Mad at me because I can't hear well. I am sorrowed. I hate this world for all that pain, I hate my parents for seeing none of my achievements, and exposing only faults. I hate myself for the imperfection I am. I'm sorry I was born. I'm hate myself. I hate the life I'm living, all the unhappyness, all mistakes I ever made. I hate it that I can't normally talk with people, and my parents just get angry at me for that. They keep telling me that I should be instantly open and able to talk normally with the theraphist, but I can't and they don't understand me. They tell me that I should learn 5 languages by the end of high school, but I don't believe I can, and even if I do, I will be an empty shell by then. Currently I speak only 3 languages well enough to have a conversation, and 1 which I can understand but can't talk in. I hate it how much they expect from me.
I just can't be that much. My life consists of me trying to be better than others. They always compare to my sister who is 6 years older. All the time I'm trying to surpass her, but as soon as I succeed in something, they find another thing at which she is better than me now.
They always put me as the bad example (Do you want to be like your brother) and similar to my little brother and they make me feel bad all the time. I can barely endure it and I often just let out my rage, then they tell me that I am crazy and that I will be a failure as I rage 'without a reason'.
My father made a hole in my room door, luckily it didnt pass through the door, but the hole still broke to the core of the door, so when you slightly push into it from the side where there is no hole, you can hear crackling noises from the wood. They often tell me thet will remove my room door.
If i spend much time on the toilet, which i often do as I have diarrhea or I hold poop up for several days, they rage around telling me how much of their time I waste and telling me they will break down the bathroom door. I have almost no mental peace, I'm always cautious, afraid of failing and everything.
Though I know how life really is, my brain just won't let my sanity take over.
That is my situation.
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