My Ptsd Is Backwords From Other Folks On This System, Do I Belong?

[Becava]

I've never had to do what you had to do. I think that takes enormous courage and will also probably take enormous healing effort to get beyond that...I can't imagine anything worse than having to kill someone to defend yourself.

This.

OP, it's OK that your trauma is different. There are some of us here with very odd, very specific traumas. And it's easy to feel like you might not really belong. But you went through a traumatic experience. And for someone else, it might not have resulted in PTSD - just like, for you, it doesn't sound like the experience of the invasion was what you hold onto as the bad part at all, it was the shooting. The traumas that cause PTSD all have one thing in common - they bring the individual into direct contact with immediate and real possibility of death. Levels of violence or force intense enough to create that kind of searing in the brain, where you and death/dying were just standing right next to each other for a moment.

It doesn't have to be you that was going to die. In your case, I don't know how much fear was going on for you (that you were aware of) when you pulled the trigger. But you shot a gun, hit your target, and they died. That's standing incredibly close to death. I don't know what it was for you in the moments after, in taking what the next steps were. But I don't doubt that you were experiencing some deep psychological fissures.

The true (and sometimes sad thing) is that we all have our own, different journey. By listening and talking with each other, we can find outlets, connections, and support that won't ultimately make it all better, but can be part of the bigger, solo journey towards recovery.

I hope you keep posting, and maybe think about starting a diary, if you haven't already. Just writing out one's narrative can be profoundly helpful.

And know, the things that we do have in common, are symptoms. We don't all have the same manifestations of them, but we have the same categories. A nightmare is a nightmare, whether it's because you were raped, or you were thrown from a car, or you shot a burglar. So we talk about our nightmares, what is hard to solve about them, strategies for coping, we just....talk about it all.

It does help.

 

[Evafiv]

PTSD has a tendency for 180 degree different responses.

Most basically? Look at Fight vs Flight. 180 degrees opposite from each other. But caused by the exact same thing.

I tend to be on the opposite side of the equation here, most of the time, as well. When those posts pop up? I either say so -because there are people like me, here, who respond the way I do- or relate in a different way / in the pieces that are similar, or just don't say anything.

 

[Cidajos]

Just want to second everything Becava said. Please do keep posting about this if you feel we can help.

 

[Dorod]

Thank you to everyone that has posted on this matter. Immediately after the shot went off and he went down I was certain that I had also been shot. I looked for blood all over before getting back to "normal". I of course checked to make certain that he didn't have any com-padres with him. Then I observed his girlfriend peel out and take off on him (true love). Foolish me I called a friend 2 doors down from me and said "Can you come over? I think that I just shot someone". After she hung up the 911 folks called me and insisted that I put my gun down and put it far away from myself, "ARE YOU KIDDING?" I didn't know if someone would come back, or be hanging out on the sides of my house! When the police arrived I put the gun on my desk and raised my hands and wiggled my fingers...no problem. As it turned out I was a hero to the officers, the burglar had been out of prison for a few weeks and already had 2 warrants out for him. The friend that I called recently talked with a detective of the police department, he remembered the shooting and it was 15 years ago! That is the very fast story of that night.

I still suffer from horrible agoraphobia, insomnia, horrible problems with telephone calls, being around anyone of his "background" and being around anybody that I don't know. Are these typical issues or have I gone off the deep end more then I realized?

I had someone ask me if my opinions on firearms changed after the shooting, yes they did change. I now believe more than ever that everyone has the responsibility to protect themselves. Police are at best 3-4 minutes away and would arrive to find a corpse that will make a very poor witness. Yes I did go through may horrible years of depression and you name it on other issues, but I went through them alive.

Thank you!

CVD

 

[Diboji]

Defending one's self during a traumatic event doesn't make the trauma backwards or different. I fought back. Others have fought back too. Your story is similar to that of others and/or you are one of the other posters on this issue. Some people find this site helpful and some don't, but I don't hunk there is anything about the fact that you defended yourself during the trauma that makes you abnormal in this community.

 

[Pasek]

I'm pretty sure I welcomed you to the forum in a not anonymous post, but "welcome to the forum"! :tup:

 

[Ibege]

To the OP, I couldn't understand your predicament. But first off, while I understand it must have been just terrible to live through, I personally would like to thank you for killing the SOB who broke into your house so that I don't have him at mine next. Seriously.

Do you mean that others in home invasion were traumatized by being a victim, but you are traumatized by the chaos, lack of safety, and then having to kill the intruder?

I would assume that having to kill someone, outside your control in a situation like that would be highly traumatic, so it does fit in with PTSD and trauma.

But, I was told by my T. that when you fight back, successfully, you can still get PTSD, albeit with a better "prognosis" than most others with PTSD because you do not have as much of the Flight, Freeze, Fawn tendencies. Fight is actually associated with success in our culture. Assertiveness is seen as good, especially in women nowadays.

 

[Sizad]

Fight is actually associated with success in our culture.

Yup. That's a really good point. You can do everything "right". Do everything everyone wishes they would have done, do what people think "If only... Then none of this would have happened", even get a good outcome / best possible scenario in the world... And still get PTSD. Because it's CritA trauma, and shit just happens when you introduce that level of trauma to the brain.