Supporter Wife with ptsd, did, where do i belong...

[Abstract]

I suspect you feel a bit cornered as (and) you have done what your instincts have guided you to do. The reality though is that caring can sometimes seem to be helpful to someone unwell but there are lots of other dimensions to healing than immediate soothing or even immediate lessening of symptoms. That is why professionals go through a lot of training to ensure they don't buy into the saviour complex and its potential dis-empowering of the person doing the healing. And the potential real long term consequences of that.

I think you would be surprised by how many people on here are very well read when it comes to theory and research. It's that type of site and this condition is challenging enough that a lot of people have tried to empower themselves through education. There are also a fair amount of people on here who are qualified professionals in the field but who engage in a way that is about support, giving and receiving, rather than professional. There are also areas more dedicated to theory, debate and research.

I suspect that you have innocently and well intentionally fallen into something quite coodepenent and hope you consider advising your wife to see a clinical psychiatrist who specialised in dissociation to get a proper diagnoses and see where that leads. It can't do any harm to at least have this box checked. ? It wouldn't at all mean you cannot continue to help her healing by being the loving and reliable supportive husband she has grown to trust. You can do just that and then reevaluate and see where you find yourself. You are obviously dedicated but exhausted and under enormous strain. I hope you don't just leave and rather take a little time to consider what has been said here. This place is an enormous source of knowledge, both from a research point of view but also an experiential point of view, with many having some issues with dissociation.

Lastly I wanted to say that being vulnerable and unwell as a result of these conditions does not in any way mean that someone isn't as intelligent, in many ways capable, or as important as anyone else and that is probably what you mean. The enormous strength that it takes to fight this and the amazing qualities that can come along with that doesn't unfortunately take away from the fact that the person is more open to various types of damage than others. They are both disorders at the end of the day.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

This is the other side of the coin for me:
I would not like that situation, having my husband be my therapist. It would be too odd for me. In the back of my mind I think of vulnerability. I'd be the vulnerable one and the one someone could possibly take advantage of no matter how trusting the relationship. I've had a therapist relationship like that once and it nearly destroyed my life. It still affects me to this day. A therapist who helped me work through the therapeutic abuse by the other therapist told me that abuse by a therapist can be worse than the original childhood trauma. It took 4 years of therapy to get to a place where I could go on with the original childhood trauma. So I would think one would be walking a fine line for both sufferer and supporter.

My husband knows about my abuse/trauma yet not the details. It wouldn't be fair for me to share the details with him. If my abuse/trauma disturbs a therapist what would it do to my husband? I've learned to keep it to myself and to share in Trauma Diaries and to share it with my therapist.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm just going to throw this out there. Are you truly doing this for her or do you enjoy feeling "needed"? Just wondering.

 

[anonymous]

I'm just going to throw this out there. Are you truly doing this for her or do you enjoy feeling "needed"? Just wondering.

IDK if anyone else has read the blog,but there's an entry about being a "hero", claiming that a "sacrificial helper" is what's needed to heal DID.So I guess that should answer your question.

I am finding it so hard to stay away from this thread.Having had DID myself,I find all of this so concerning.I wish I hadn't read the blog because I saw so many disturbing things in it that make me feel so bad for the wife.Especially the Bible quotes of "The husband is the head of the wife", "My wife is the weaker vessel" and "The golden rule:sacrificial love".And there was an entry about "splinters", where his wife was cautioned by someone that treating splinters like people too was creating more problems.He convinced her otherwise and even bragged "they began developing a larger personality".While he may see this as a good thing,in reality it is just increasing the dissociative walls.

There's so many huge red flags in the blog.And I may be rude for saying this,but the more I think about it,the more it all seems like psychological abuse for self gain to me and I am very concerned for this woman.

 

[Hojay]

I think we may have sacred @SamRuck off. Kind of a shame considering he came here for support, which sounds to me like he was somewhat open to challenging his own point of view?

 

[Justmehere]

wish I hadn't read the blog

It’s good to recognize this. Like all things on the internet, approach any blog with caution. If it’s too triggering and upsetting, take a step back. Just like Reading Forum Can Increase Symptoms so can other sites on the internet. Self care and discernment is crucial.

open to challenging his own point of view?

@SamRuck, I get the impression you are willing to debate why your view is better than everything else, but I personally don’t get much of a sense that you are interested in changing your course of action with your “treatment” of your wife as you have described here being challenged many many times before and not changing course.

I do hope that you will consider posting about the struggles you are having with intimacy and any other matters you are struggling with, and be open to receiving support on those issues.

 

[Powder]

Self diagnosis is a concern to me when it comes to PTSD, OCD, and disorders that are treated as "real" by the vast majority of practicing clinicians.

DID is not. I'm able to quickly find articles published in reputable online magazines and by licensed researchers and clinicians in the USA, where DID does not get taken as seriously as it ought to be, about why they estimate that it's extremely rare, AKA not a real problem.

In the USA where I lived and live currently, I'd be more likely to be dxd as an alien from another planet.

Why are we so preachy about not accepting someone's obvious Dissociative identity disorder of some sort unless it's been dxd? I've read that many who eventually received the DX spent over five years with a T. before DID was apparent.

I'm seeing no altruistic love nor logic in the way a sufferer was indirectly addressed via her supporter as not necessarily DID, and certainly not handling her DID right, as she still has it.

None of that is fact based. Not everyone with DID wants to change or desires integration. For some, setting realistic goals for communication is less invasive. Therapy police seems to be elitist. But it depends on what you want and what services and support someone has access to. By all means make recommendations but don't expect anything without knowing what's within someone's means.