My Ptsd...is It All Me? Or Is He Really Controlling And Emotionally Hurting Me?

[Aly5833]

I have known my bf for 10 years and maintained a good friendship for 8 years until we started dating and moved in together end of August. Everything was fine at first until he began looking at me and then his watch and when i said "what?", he would tell me what ge was waiting on like, im just wondering whats for dinner, or my tea glass us empty, or i just wanted to be with you (not other people who may have been over at the time). Etc. I have issues with touching constantly. His grabbing of my butt and breasts whenever I would walk by him, the humiliation i experienced when he would make comments about me to his friends, attendants and when i react..he says I was just joking. If i say anything in response to what he does or says I am the one with the issues. He is always just joking. He is fully aware of the tranas in my life and even when I am shaking with fear he spent 3 months trying to will me into accepting his constant grapping..and giving me the oh come on eyebrow raising. It gets old when you literally have begged through letters and mutiple ( almost daily ) conversations explaining to him I didnt like the constant grabbing of behind and chest areas and the following of me and staring, His excuses are "I just like to look at you because you are so beautiful", or "I'm not staring, I just like to watch you" and "I' m not correcting you, just consider it constructive criticism". He tells me he doesnt have. the unspoken expections like having dinner on the table when gets home but when its not he asks what are we going to do for dinner? I finally stood up and said I have no idea..what do you want to do?...His response..." we can order a pizza i guess and let you off the hook tonight. He promises me he has no firm exspectations, and repeatedly promises me he will stop grabbing me. He "Says" he can love me just the way I am and frequently reminds that no one will ever love me the way he can but actions speak alot louder than words...but I am the one that left, I am the one that has hurt him and I promised myself I would never do that...and I have. I love and care about him but when I knew I finally felt completely pushed away I moved out. Is has felt good not to be stared at and have a place where I can have alone time without feeling guilty...but only for short times. In my thoughts of leaving, I feel so much guilt and hate myself. I feel selfish for having my problems and anxiety associated with my illness. You can see his disability and it is considered everyday and never made fun of but mine is invisible so the expectations for me are high even when my ptsd and anxiety lately have caused me to be hospitalized. I agreed to continue to date but it has felt awkward to the point I literally feel like I have failed him and failed myself. I can't even face myself in the mirror and try to drown the bad thoughts about myself in whatever I can find. Reaching out here but I don't even really know why or what to do..lost in transition. I hate myself for hurti.g him but I'm hurt too because he broke his many promises to me. I don't think he is even aware he hurt me. He just thinks about how I have hurt him. I can see the resentment when he looks at me. Right now everthjng hurts and I can't sort it out. I feel paralyzed

 

[Em C.]

First off, *hugs*

Second he is definitely manipulating you and physically harassing you-- no means no. This: "frequently reminds that no one will ever love me the way he can " is just awful and hurtful. You are 110% worth more than that! He is turning everything back on you but it isn't on you. I think it's great that you just said no about the dinner thing. You've known each other for a long time but maybe living together is not the best idea.. he seems to be not very good for your well-being :(

 

[jaccat]

It sounds to me, from what you've described, that this relationship isn't healthy at all. If he's not listening to you, doing things he knows upset you and telling you that 'no one else will love you as much as he does', then expecting you to do things for him, I don't think it's heading anywhere good.
I think it sounds like getting out was the best thing you could do. Don't blame yourself. You gave him plenty of time to change and he didn't.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He is violating your boundaries. Your inability to accept his BS has NOTHING to do with PTSD. That is, a healthy relationship doesn't involve one partner violating the physical boundaries of the other by grabbing them and groping them when the touch is not wanted. A healthy relationship does not involve a partner sitting there and looking at his/her watch so that 'you get the hint' that you need to be doing something. That is, in a healthy relationship, one partner ASKS (verbally) the other partner if they want something. And to be honest, he sounds like a bit of a jerk if he's expecting you to wait on him hand and foot and get him a drink or have dinner always planned out ahead of time. In a healthy relationship, one partner doesn't make comments about the other partner to outsiders and then brush it off by saying they were joking, thereby making you feel like you are in the wrong.

Don't take this the wrong way, but to me it seems like you think you need to accept all this BS behavior because you have PTSD. Well, you don't, and you shouldn't. You DEFINITELY deserve better!

 

[Aly5833]

Thank you so much fir your insight. I have often thought of the things you are saying and even wrote it out but to him but he turned it around on me and went to the opposute extreme on the non sexual expections telling others they needed to do something for him because he didnt want to ask me to do it while im in the other room making me look really lazy and unattentive. Those things hurt and although I am going to look like the monster who broke his heart its time for me to say goodbye. Its the hardest thing to do but I have to go ahead and process that now instead of continually thinking I have to do more to only prove future failure because I will never meet his expectations. I wish I could but I do have a real illness that I don't think he will ever understand. Do you have ptsd? How do you deal with it when ut comes to meeting the needs of others? Do you mind me asking? I know you have reached out to me already and that is quite enough and valued. Thank you°°hugs-°°

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((Aly))) There are several red flags or indicators of some concern with the dynamics of this relationship.
Do you have a Therapist to guide you in developing boundaries and safety protocol? If you have been diagnosed is it possible to go back to the T and explain these dynamics?

 

[Amalia]

There is one thing that strikes me here and that is your self-awareness.
There are many individuals on ptsd and we are all at different stages of our own journey. You have evidently come to the point where you are able to evaluate and question your own behaviour even though (thanks to the sheer joy that is ptsd) you cannot see your own self-worth for love nor money.
.... Sadly there is something that has to be acknowledged at this point - if you have been abused in any way, told you are nothing, all of those things, it`s not the best training to decipher who is good for us and who isn`t. My heart breaks for you in many a way because you are desperately seeking guidance as you fully acknowledge your own PTSD issues and the s**t that comes with that. Sadly it does mean that we do go to type. So yes, it`s not the ptsd this time, it is the fact that because of the horrific experiences you suffered and the ... unjustifiable elements of total lack of support and nurture you suffered, as we all have, we are not that great at recognising who is and isn`t good for us.
As a friend this guy may have been awesome. As a partner, something different prevails.
Please protect your own healing and recovery by taking on board the comments and moving forward in your way that ensures health and development ensures. It`s what we`re all here for.
Take from my tirade what you wish.
But for the record - yes, he is a poohbum(!).

Take best possible care of you.
A.

 

[Pencil]

He is a prime asshole.

Force yourself to stop thinking about him (yes, it is possible to force yourself to turn your thoughts away from a person / topic / whatever) and focus on yourself - and all the things that led to your ptsd, and all the things that result from it.

This is easier said than done, I know. But this is only the first step in a long journey. First you have to get yourself out of the puddle you're sitting in.

 

[Aly5833]

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Every one of you helped me see some aspects I need to reckon with. Yes..it is time for me and my healing. However selfish that may seem to me I know it won't seem selfish after I have done some healing..thank you all :))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you clarify more on the meeting the needs of others part? I guess I just need to know more of what you're struggling with, that's all. I mean my initial reaction is to say that its important to learn to separate the needs of others from the wants of others. That is, within the scope of a relationship, people do indeed have certain needs, but other things are merely wants (and some are quite unhealthy wants at that!). I'll wait for you to reply before I say anymore, as I may be answering this all wrong!

 

[Recovery4Me]

BTW...@Aly5833 Welcome to the forum!!! Hugs if you accept!

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes all you described is a very controlling, emotionally abusive, manipulative and gaslighting man. Well done for recognising it, trusting your instinct despite all his crazy making responses and doing something about it. There are many who are unable to do that. You have shown great strength and insight. Welcome.