My Ptsd...is It All Me? Or Is He Really Controlling And Emotionally Hurting Me?

[Aly5833]

Reply for Solara...thank u for your response to my post and for your question about hiw I can meet the needs of others given the severity of my PTSD and anxiety symptoms. I have constantly carried with me since childhood the need to be "normal" and meet the expectations in a relationship. I have never been able to adjust well and meet the needs regarding intimacy. In my current situation my bf has told me that he can love me the way I am in fact there follows with that promise that no one will ever love me the way he does. However, after explaining my lack of ability to meet his needs in this dept. almost daily if not every other day I'm back to this pleading with him in tears of why I can't deal with his constant gropping and verbal decriptive sexual related comments about my body parts. I feel we are on complete opposite ends but the broken promises and disregard for my discomfort hurts more than anything. I am hurt in that aspect and coming to grips with the awakening that I don' t trust him. I wanted so bad to make this relationship work and I have such a strong desire to make this work and meet his needs..but the cost has been my emotional health. The guilt I luve with everyday that my ptsd gets in the way of the daily needs if others. My illness is invisible. So more is expected of me..thank you:))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In regards to nobody loving you like he does......that is manipulative abuse, plain and simple. I have had it said to me, and I believed it at the time. Later I realized it was a control mechanism meant to "keep me in my place". It is in no way, shape or form a "promise". If someone says it is a promise, they are lying and saying it to control you into staying.

I think that maybe you should view things differently in the future. Its not so much about making things work. Yes, relationships ARE indeed work, but if there are major problems, its like fitting a square peg into a round hole.....not going to happen.

It seems like you want to make a relationship work in order to possibly conquer the past? That if the relationship fails, that means you are a failure? This is not true. There are SO many reasons why a relationship can fail and many of them are no reflections on either person themselves being a failure. You seem to want to meet his needs, possibly out of the belief that if you meet his needs, then the relationship will succeed?

Yes, its important to meet the needs of your partner, but at the same time PTSD is a serious disorder and you have special needs, too. If someone isn't willing to work with you on healing and navigating through PTSD, kick them to the curb. You will one day find someone who accepts you as you are and doesn't see it as a sacrifice to be with you because you can't meet all of their needs all of the time. Well, nobody ever can, not even non-PTSD people

 

[Aly5833]

Thank you. Since I have had time away and had time to really absorb things outside the situation coupled with posts from sincere advice from people who get it. "The real symptoms that ptsd brings"...I can now make a clear solid decision to end the relationship and concentrate on trauma therapy and getting well enough to manage my illness in a healthy way. I really appreciate your input.

 

[Eleanor]

He promises me he has no firm exspectations, and repeatedly promises me he will stop grabbing me. He "Says" he can love me just the way I am and frequently reminds that no one will ever love me the way he can but actions speak alot louder than words...but I am the one that left, I am the one that has hurt him and I promised myself I would never do that...and I have. I love and care about him but when I knew I finally felt completely pushed away I moved out.

What everyone else said about "no one will ever love me the way he can..." is spot on. It is a RED FLAG that this is not a guy who is good healthy relationship material. How could a statement like that be anything OTHER than emotional blackmail?

So here is a bit of relationship 101: Being in a relationship means that you are going to hurt the other person and they are going to hurt you. That's just the nature of the world we live in. Hurting and being hurt are not optional. We can, and ought to, do our best to avoid hurting the other person and letting them know when they are hurting us (you've done yeoman's work in this regard it sounds like.) If it is a healthy relationship the other person (or us, as the case may be) upon being notified that they are doing something hurtful STOPS doing that and apologizes and tries to make it up. Trust is established, healing becomes possible. See how this is supposed to work?

You might consider that he is/was just as screwed up/injured around sex as you (he picked someone with whom that is a difficult area) he is just not honest about it. You admit you have a problem. He regards his problem as a virtue. He was using you for sexual satisfaction despite the fact that you didn't like it. What does that sound like to you? Sounds like textbook abuse to me.

How do you deal with it when it comes to meeting the needs of others?

Solara is right, we need to distinguish needs and wants. And to be good relationship material people need to be responsible about meeting or getting met their own needs. We are responsible for ourselves first. It is always ok to ask for help. It is always ok to say no, I'm not willing to help you. Which means we have to be ok with the other person saying "no" to us too. (Personally I hate that.) A healthy relationship is a negotiation between equals - where the result aimed at is always a "win/win." That's not always possible, but when it is not the person making the sacrifice (trading the lesser good for the greater) needs to be doing it out of generosity of spirit, not guilt.

I'm glad you are in trauma therapy, and hope that helps you a lot. It says a lot of good stuff about you that you were able to pick up and get yourself out of that situation.

 

[Aly5833]

Thank you. I am trying to be communicative and really talk with him about the aspects of why things didn't work out living together. It's very difficult to say something about aspects if our relationship and the vunerability I lay out there in talking about our issues and then having silence fill the air. I know he thinks about the issues. He has to but he has an issue of expressing and sharing whats going on inside his head. He just says ok so we just move on and expects a dating relationship to carry on with little discussion and sharing about where we are and how we can get back to good. Some issues I feel to vunerable to talk about because I will get no response except after a short silence he will say" what..I'm listening to you". I want to repair at least our friendship we had for 8 years before we started dating but I feel that my efforts to discuss these things are not taken seriously, one sided, and futal. I guess right now I feel I am trying to grasp and hold onto something that is not there and never going to be there. I explained to him that having a relationship with me or anyone with issues with ptsd involves making concessions for that persons illness. The only response us " well..we just go on snd hope things get better with you being in therapy." It just seems like he wants me around but he cannot communicate with me as to why other than...you' re so sweet and so pretty" I don't want a relationship at this point. I need the friendship back so we can just get back to where we use to be...but for some crazy reason, I am scared to tell him. I just get those blank stares with no response...ugh!!:((

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm perplexed as to why you would accept disrespect from a friend, too. An ex was dumbfounded when I told him we couldn't be friends. I told him it was the same reason as to why I couldn't be with him. He's a liar, period. I have similar expectations of my friends and partners. If the reason I'm breaking up with them is red flag behavior, then friendship is off the table, too.

 

[Queen Boudica]

well..we just go on snd hope things get better with you being in therapy."

This guy has no acceptance of his behaviour and no idea about personal boundaries and respect. A statement like that means he thinks it is all you and your illness and, to be honest when you are saying things like he has to make allowances for your ptsd then it is perfect for him. His behaviour is disrespectful and emotional manipulation and breaking boundaries whether you have ptsd or not. Don't let him use that excuse to make you feel you are the one causing the problems. What you described here is him having no empathy. This is crazy making, gaslighting stuff and just pulls you down when he needs the therapy too.

What he doesn't get is that therapy will put you in a far better place to recognise his manipulation and crape behaviour. And make you stronger. He may even try to tell you the therapy is wrong for you and get you to stop once he realises how much stronger it makes you. Keep with the therapy and tell your therapist what he is saying to you. This is clear denial, victim blaming and disrespectful, no personal boundaries behaviour.

 

[Aly5833]

Thanks for all the advice concerning my relationship. I will continue trama therapy and as I get stronger this, I have thought in the back if my mind, will manifest itself