My Ptsd, My Anguish And Pain, Repeated Violence & Rape

[kittencake]

Tonight I find myself in a mood to which there is no uplift, I feel that there are no words of comfort that someone could give me at this time.

I do not believe that I can carry own my existence after what has happened, I felt sure that I was going to die, it took over and it's all I thought about.

Being raped has stripped everything from me. I really don't know who I am. My life is everything I didn't want now,
I really am nothing.
If someone REALLY understood how much I suffer I think they'd put me out of my misery.

He broke me and everything that I am, everything I was, and everything I will ever be.

I'm broken.

There's nothing I can do :'( my life is totally f***ed

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum btw. :)

Are you in therapy right now? Do you have a support network?

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for the way you feel. But there are things you can do that may help you in your journey.

Writing on the forum, for example, may help you. I am not sure if you have a journal yet, but if you don't you should look into start one if you are comfortable. There, you can write about what bothers you the most or sticks with you.

I will watch funny video's. I love funny cat video's... :D

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/media/funny-cats.652/[/DLMURL]

Hope this helps and take care of yourself.

 

[ericaboo]

I agree - there are no words of comfort... words can't do justice to what you've been through. All I can say is... you are not alone.

Give yourself time to rage and grieve - and be safe - and take care of yourself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sometimes when you can't fight back at the time, you get to fight back afterwards. Please don't give up.

 

[kittencake]

Why does my memory of his face keep popping up?? Different expressions, such as anger, him shouting I cant get it out of my mind it's driving me mad it really is killing me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

HI kittencake-

I amso sorry that you are so devasted and broken.
Do you have anyone that is safe to talk to that you trust? Aperson that will not shame, judge or condemn you?

Have you gone to the police? I amconcerend about your sense of being. I understand the fact of hitting bottom. It is not your fault and you are someone special, you are you. There is no one like you. You are one of a kind; do you have a therapist that you feel safe to talk to about what happened to you.

I cannot imagine the hell you are going thru now; I have been raped multiple times. I remember feeling ruined and devastated the first time it happened. I had no one to talk to about it. I just kept it locked inside of me foe many years. I WILL NEVER FORGET HOW BAD i FELT.

I am so sorry you thought you were going to die; But you did'nt and you survived. It sounds like you are having a idenity crises. I had one of those, I felt picked up by my ankles and every part of me was shaken out and there was nothing left. Those were hard days to get through. But I did. I made it. I can never forget what happened to me, but it was the abusers fault and not mine. No need to torture yourself.

Bad things happen to good people. This is a tragedy. YOU DID'NT DESERVE IT. I hope this helps and does not hurt. I hope you will be coming back here and telling your story to get the poision out. Please be very gentle on yourself and take good care of yourself like eating regularly and trying to get some sleep. Comfort yourself with all you have to comfort yourself with. Please. I am worried about you being so destroyed.

 

[kittencake]

I reported it to the Police, he was charged with 13 counts of rape, then he was aquitted because the jury wasn't unanimous

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have been through hell and back. I did'nt know it went to court. You did'nt get any justice. To go through the court system and to be let down like that is a feeling that has no wordsl It is pure anguish.

I am glad you are reaching out for help and support here. It will help to talk about it. It will get the poision out of you. Please do not give up.

 

[Heather]

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Sometimes the justice system just SUCKS A$$!!!!!:devilish:

You have every right to feel what you are feeling. Don't hold it in, get it out as much as you can.

I wish you peace and healing.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi kittencake (love the name)

So sorry to read of your anguish, no words I have can take the pain away, just know that you are not alone.

And that it will get better. Well, it did for me and I am nothing special, so it can for you too.

Is there a local rape crisis centre where you are? They helped me hold on and I am so very glad they did, my life is worth living now and I barely think of the rape these days and even then it no longer triggers me.

Just hold on and never be afraid to ask for help.

There will always be a place for you here.