My Ptsd Story

[wheredoesitend]

I have struggled with the idea of letting others in on my problem and whether I should open up or stay to myself. Well I guess I will give it a try. I will start by giving a background story. I am a 31 yr old male over the road truck driver. I had been a truck driver for 8 years before I had the worst thing happen to me. It is very hard to talk about and I am struggling with life and everything else. I worked for a guy who had one truck and I was his only employee so needless to say, benefits were not there. There were no STD programs.

On to my story. I was making scheduled to make a delivery in Charlotte, NC on 9/22/2010. I arrived at a truck stop around 1 am the morning of the delivery. I parked in the only lot they had which was very poorly lit. I needed to use the rest room and need a beverage so I proceeded into the store and did my business. I was walking back to my truck and about half way there two guys jumped out between two trucks armed with a gun. Both guys had on masks and I couldn't see their faces. One of them stuck the gun to my head between my eyes and demanded I give them all my money. I carry a small bifold wallet that fits in your front pocket. Well, I was immediately thrown into shock. I have a wife and three kids, and like most of others, I immediately thought of them. I couldn't think of anything else. So I didn't react timely so to speak. He again said " give me your F'ing money cracker". So I reached into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. I took my money from the wallet and handed it to him. I don't have any credit cards or anything and told him that was all I had. I had $80.

After I handed him the money he Told me, "don't call the cops and we won't have to come back B***." So I said, okay man I won't, just take the money and don't hurt me. I have a wife and kids. Just please don't hurt me. I have always considered myself a fairly brave person, but now I don't. They took more than my money. They took my self worth and my ability to consider myself a man. It is hard living with this. I called my boss later that morning to tell him what happened. He didn't have anything to say other than he had never had that happen to him and he couldn't understand why I didn't call the cops. He said I shouldn't let that bother me and it's not a big deal. Well he is right in a sense. It's not a big deal if it doesn't happen to you. I tried to not let it bother me. I continued to work there for a month, even though I couldn't sleep at all. The whole time I was in that truck I struggled. I would feel anxious and start hyperventilating. I would break out in cold sweats, have nightmares when I would finally doze off from exhaustion. So about a week before I quit, I actually had thoughts of suicide. I couldn't believe it, I was happy these thugs didn't hurt me, but then here I was thinking about taking my own life. I got to that point because I couldn't find a way out. I couldn't convince myself that I was okay and I could do this and get on with my life. It actually progressed to the point to where I held a knife to my throat. At that point, I told myself this was it. I have to change this. I came back home and went to the doctor, which was really hard for me. I am still struggling with PTSD and all the problems that come with it. Some times I feel okay. I can laugh at a joke that someone told me, then in that very instant I can be angry at myself for being happy and laughing. That makes no sense to me. I will be watching TV and a scene on a show will show a gun and I tense up. I try to be strong because my wife is next to me, but on the inside I get tense and start to sweat and finally i have to excuse myself from the room so I can collect myself and come back to normal. I wonder if she knows? I have all these emotions and I have no idea what to do.

I since applied for unemployment and have been denied. I have filed an appeal . The employer appealed to my claim and gave false statements that I abandoned the truck and wouldn't answer his calls. Of course I did quit with no notice because there was no way I could get back in that truck. I am not sure what is going to happen with the appeal. I guess we will have to wait and see. But being away form that truck and out of that misery is helping a little.

 

[AdamAnt]

Hey and welcome to the forum WDIE.I'm just curious, was what you're feeling an immediate thing or did it take some time to sink in??

 

[seedling]

Welcome to the forum, you have done an incredible thing to tell your story like that. That's not an easy thing in many different ways. You have taken the first good steps to helping yourself and your family deal with this. Strange how a few moments can change a person's life.

Do you have a therapist to help you? Can you get help through the system because of the medical part of it?

You are at the beginning of a long ride. Take care and keep posting and reading on here when you can and need to. There are many here who truly care. Also help for your wife if she wants to take a look.

 

[wheredoesitend]

Hey and welcome to the forum WDIE.I'm just curious, was what you're feeling an immediate thing or did it take some time to sink in??

The fear was immediate obviously and I didn't sleep the first two days. It wasn't until about a week later that I started to become overwhelmed with the emotions and anxiety. Unfortunately it has gotten worse with time. I am currently on medication and under the care of my primary physician. I have yet to be seen by a therapist, but then again, I am not sure I want to. Talking about it and recounting the events are very stressful and I have a very hard time talking about it.

 

[AdamAnt]

I'd recommend getting a diagnosis asap...could be that you don't have full blown PTSD yet and that would be a blessing!

 

[wheredoesitend]

Welcome to the forum, you have done an incredible thing to tell your story like that. That's not an easy thing in many different ways. You have taken the first good steps to helping yourself and your family deal with this. Strange how a few moments can change a person's life.

Do you have a therapist to help you? Can you get help through the system because of the medical part of it?

You are at the beginning of a long ride. Take care and keep posting and reading on here when you can and need to. There are many here who truly care. Also help for your wife if she wants to take a look.

Thanks for your kind words and concern Seeding. I do not currently have a therapist. Like I mentioned in the earlier reply, I have a very hard time talking about it. It is very overwhelming to even consider sharing what I feel with others. That also includes talking to my wife. I just feel as though everyone is judging me and that they think what I am feeling isn't real. It sounds childish in sorts, but I can't make sense of it. That's one thing I struggle with on a day to day basis. I know I should talk about it, but how do you put it in words? How can I talk to people when I feel like I am being criticized and laughed at because I feel the way I do. Yes it is a life changing event. I looked at life as though it was a blessing at first after the robbery. As time and days go by, I find that I feel like life is more of a curse. It feels like the whole world is falling in on me and there is no escaping this awful place. It sucks to know that I was happy nothing happened to me and then now, I would rather be dead. Irony is so clever that way.

 

[wheredoesitend]

I'd recommend getting a diagnosis asap...could be that you don't have full blown PTSD yet and that would be a blessing!

Well according to my doctor has diagnosed me with PTSD. She recommended that I see a therapist, but at this time I don't want to do that. I want to be better, trust me, but I just can't deal with the stress and anxiety that comes with seeing a therapist. That sounds very stupid when I say it, but that's just how I feel. Sitting here typing on this is hard enough. Sounds stupid, but I can't deal with it right now. That's even knowing in the back of my head that it would be best. But how can I force myself to put myself through more torment. I am having a rough time as it is. I am just not sure I can let someone that far into my head and feelings at this time. Maybe someone will be able to help me on here that has had those same type of thoughts and feelings.

 

[seedling]

wheredoesitend - please don't make any assumptions about therapy. Just what you told us here about what you are feeling, or even the fact that you don't want to/can't talk about it - that's what you say to your therapist. You don't have to bare your soul to a stranger. Many of the first sessions are about how your are coping with life and finding ways to make it easier. Getting things manageable, making sure your meds work well etc. All that before pushing into the trauma. A good trauma therapist, someone who knows PTSD, knows when to tread lightly. Realize too that posting here can be harder or just as hard as therapy - Believe Me! (you probably just saved yourself the cost of a therapy visit just starting this thread -lol).

I think I have felt every feeling you have had, reading your posts brings back the intensity I was experiencing only a few months ago. Don't think you are alone. And you have the stress of being the husband and father, something I haven't experienced.

I have a terrible time sharing this with my husband. He still knew something was wrong. They still see it even if we don't relate the specifics. I've gotten a little better and hope to get better yet, I depend on him in my recovery.

You have shown your committment to getting better by posting here, and even telling us your story when it is obviously so hard. How you feel right now is after posting that - bound to make you feel like you can't handle much right now.

You will let those back of the head thoughts have their say when you are ready. You know you are already in torment, that it won't stop on its own, that the treatment needed is therapy.

You will get a handle on this. Just remember to keep breathing - job #1! All the best to you, your wife and your fine children.

 

[wheredoesitend]

Thanks Seedling. I appreciate that. I guess why I feel it would be harder for me to see a therapist vs posting here is the simple fact I can't see you and the other poster's. I don't have to reply to your posts or even read them for that matter. It is the only thing I feel like I have control of. I took a huge step by joining this and am very grateful for you already. However, I am not completely comfortable with this just yet. I have never been to therapy and don't know the procedures myself. I just know from others that it can be very intense and they FOCUS on the problem. The problem is my problem, if that makes sense. I just don't know if I can relive that moment in detail and let others in my head. I told a lot in my first post but it was very stressful and overwhelming. I broke down a few times. I just don't know how far I can go. I am unsure of where my boundaries are. Right now it is just to much. Does that make sense?

 

[seedling]

Yes, that makes perfect PTSD sense!:)

 

[anni]

Hi wheredoesitend,

I only just caught up with your thread, and can't believe I missed it-it's pretty much exactly what happened to my 30 year old son not long ago, only not a truck stop, it was outside the door of a house he was a guest in. Same TWO awful people, same wallet, same gun- same threats. GOD I'm so sorry. He was 'luckier' (?) than you in that his host came across the whole scene minutes after the dam thugs left, found my son ( also this big, really normal, fottball playing GUY guy ) just SITTING in his car. He'd been told not to call the cops or they'd come back and kil him and his whole family and darn it, that shocked brain that had just had a gun held to the back of his head wasn't going to do it.When someone is in THAT stat of terror, your brain just is not going to process the knowledge that there's no way these two street scum could have the power to do this, even if they have the wallet.He was also sitting there blaming himself, as a knee-jerk reaction apparently, for even being there getting a suitcase out of his car at 1 am- in a nice, normal neighborhood ( as you had a good expectation you'd be safe also ). His HOST sort of snapped him out of it, 'talked him down' before that shock had a chance to take hold, called the police himself and save my son your type of reaction, you know? JUST plain lucky, that's all, or it no doubt would have set up exactly this. He got validated immediately by everyone, you did not. His head did not have the chance to process all this incorrectly, withh then added layers of all the things a stressed brain does by way of wishing for relief from the pain. He's still kind of jumpy, to be sure-with an added element of ants-in-the-pants to an already quicksilver personality but was disallowed further damage by sheer circumstance, that's all. You didn't have this chance encounter with someone who could help knock you out of the first shock, so things really had the chance to sort of take hold and grow for you.

It's got to be dreadful even talking here, so really, nice you are, in my opinion. This further struggle you seem to be having on validation via the appeals, etc. is helping not at all, and when the PTSD has one's brain wired you need allll the validation you can get. You really will get it here, if you can keep coming back. In lieu of a T, it's going to be pretty darn helpful as a bunch of things- a sounding board so perhaps you can see yourself clearly ( boy, does the PTSD offer a warped image of ourselves in the mirror, and not a great one ), have comfort knowing you're not alone with this thing because others instantly recognize exactly what you MEAN when you say something,, have a ton of articles on this which gives some sort of form to the PTSD-information-FACTS- tend to be awfully helpful, although I don't know why it's SO much, and the validation that no- you're not crazy.

Therapy also can be what you ask the T for it to be, especially at first. If you find a good one, you can ask to just please go SLOWLY, since you're not up to the intensity of reliving things quite yet, you know? The good ones know how to lead you there, and when. There are other aspects of your pain which will be addressed- one doesn't always just have to show up and plunge right into the single most awful moment of their life. The T will of course wish to 'get there' at some point, but they can work with you to ascertain when you're ready-until then dealing with you just plain coping with all this, and perhaps beginning to heal. Bare-bones facts as to why you're there will suffice,

SORRY so long- and sorry to have missed this thread for so long too. Not that I have so much of value to say, but sometimes other's experiences can be helpful to hear, and I did have one through those scumbuckets muggin my son.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[AdamAnt]

Just an idea about you wheredoesitend, maybe you could meet with a T and just "talk about talking"? Every little step is a leap toward your healing at this point!