My Relationship Is Decaying Because Of My Ptsd And Stress

[Shannonstrong]

First off I want to say thank you...simply reading your views and experience has helped me feel better today, I will get that book and read it, I don't think she will read it. I have emailed her small amounts from some other blogs I follow, mainly on facebook of a couple of spouses that blog about how they cope/deal with there husband who is the suffer and she refused to even check her email to read them. I think what frustrates me the most and is causing alot of my anger towards her is that she just will not and I mean absolutely will not educate herself on it. I used to have some one that I worked with that is a very spiritual person and truely believes in the power of mind and universe stuff. Anyway..she would always just listen and she was very positive towards me and that helped me alot. I have my own landscape business and for the first 4 years I didn't have the motivation to even attempt to build on what I had as far as business, after working some where else and spending alot of time around my co-worker I felt I had the confidence to quit the other job and focus on my business, over time that focus and motivation has been reversed. As of right this minute..there really is no other support system. I am trying to get into counseling not only for myself but to hopefully help with my spouse. apparently she doesn't believe anything when I say it ..so it has to come from someone else.

The other things I hear are "I was there for you for 3 years while you were drunk every night" She was here physically but absolutely nothing emotionally. Because in the beginning I did drink alot and it wasn't to have a good time..it was to cope. Even then I isolated myself away from everyone. About a year ago and 5 years of this misery I started educating my self on the feelings and emations I was having and thats when I started to change some because I felt like if I knew when they were coming on I was atleast prepared and understood why. Now it's like I have to just live in away where I don't even here her and play the positive thoughts over and over in my head to make my self feel worth something. There's nothing like the person that you are married to and was with you when the trauma started giving you that feeling that she is talking about you in a negative way to everyone around you. Just 2 days ago I was called a mental pyshcopath. << That really made me feel great. When I met her I was a strong minded person, a police officer and was heading in the direction that I spent years getting to and then it all crashed and in one single day I lost my career, my name and everything I had worked for. In the early stages of the aftermath I drank so much just to stay numb, on the one year anniversary of losing it all I freaked out in anxiety and panic that I thought it was all happening again.

Thats why I say moving would help me tremendously, because everyday I see police cars and cops driving around and I am reminded what my life was. It just makes it really hard to focus on moving forward when those reminders never go away.

Thank you so much for continuing to talk on here :)

 

[Justpassintime]

Wow yea that really sucks - my spouse would not read one single book and I remember that desperate feeling and he too was doing like a checklist of everything you can do to make it worse :( That is so not fun and uncool. I think when someone, anyone is living with someone in ptsd they......(thinking of words)....are like looking at it from a "normal relationship" point of view. Like a) my needs are not being met, b) my spouse/mate is doing this on purpose, c) I will precede to do what normal folks do and that clearly doesn't work.

Those were some dark days.

All I can say (though I am happy to continue "talking" about it here) is seek support where you can get it. I have been blown away by the amazing people in my life that totally support me and what not. No one can change anyone else or force them to change. When I was going through all that turmoil I finally just said I was going to be the best person I can be so I can look in the mirror at the end of the day and know that, regardless of what anyone else does. Is it easy? Not always, but it's definitely always worthwhile. I wasn't perfect, but I did okay. Sometimes that's all you can do.

That kind of arguing is such a vicious cycle - you fight because you fight and there's enough hurt going around to sink a ship. There were times I treated him as kindly as I would a stranger and it broke the cycle long enough to catch a breath. Please do not think I am saint because I have a murdeous inner ghetto woman that seriously needs to be sedated sometimes. It's just so hard when you both have a goal for your marriage in mind and you both kind of get stuck there. Somebody has to break that cycle and to do that or be willing to do that, you kind of have to put a stake in the heart of right and wrong and say, I would rather have peace then this.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Yes..and for so long I have been thinking about just leaving and moving back home. If i mention that because basically she works and she watches reality tv, spends her days off with our daughter and her mom. I sit and I read alot everyday or usually at night if since in the summer months I work a ton, but even my business gets the back burner when it comes to her job, which I really don't get either when I make 3 times what she does. Thats another story and argument in my life. But yes, it seems as if the arguing is to just keep hurting each other over and over because neither backs down. You are right on with that and makes absolute sense. When ever I mention getting a divorce so she can move on to someone who is normal, she throws it back to me on ...how can you leave your daughter and move to florida??? Or it's ...so you would be happier in florida without your wife and child??? It's like all Im good for is to work and pay the bills, because outside of that, No one cares. I woke up everyday and try to tell my self its going to be a good day, haha..until I get my first call from her. All the stuff you are saying ..I agree 100% and I wish I could say I was going to talk to her and see if there was a way..but I know it would turn into another fight, her way of thinking makes no sense to me. It's like I sacrifice staying here for what?? She literally gets made at me because I put the city down and I say florida is a more laid back place to live. This city is part of my trauma and she expects me to just love it as if nothing was wrong or ever happened. Her "You moved here" thats her answer everytime. Now I hear You had a child here, so thats my fault to. Literally she has an answer for everything and never takes responsibility for any words or actions. Me on the other will tell you if I am wrong or if I was a jerk ..I love this line "I have a murdeous inner ghetto woman that seriously needs to be sedated sometimes"...made me smile.

Just lost at this point

 

[Shannonstrong]

You know I really dont even know her true opinion of me. She just called and of course I didn't do something right again. I removed the flowers from around our mailbox because it's winter time and they are dead. Unfortunately I run my lawn care company from my house and the address is all over the internet so I try to keep up with my own yard, but because she wasn't feeling well ..I was supposed to allow her to lay around and not do anything I need to do especially the flower removal. Weird thing is I also went to mail pictures of my daughter to her grand parents in florida and that was also a problem. weirdest thing was my wifes mom was on the couch the whole time I did these to things. But I'm a horrible selfish person for doing them. After this last conversation, I'm pretty much just going to give up and as until I leave I will just ignore her ..If not and allow it to get to me It will turn out bad.

 

[Justpassintime]

Well for what it's worth, I can relate. A lot of the above sounds like (while keeping in mind I am not exactly the poster child for mental health) normal married "stuff". And then your stuff and one and one = unfun. I think you should focus on you and being the best person you can for yourself and your daughter.

Now this is controversial, no doubt, but oh my lord does it work. As long as you are chasing after her and allowing her to have control, she will keep it that and she has all the power in the relationship. Just stop. Take your toys off the table and "go home". Whoever has the least amount invested in the relationship has all the power. Also, you "chasing" her, makes you lose who you are. Once you stop, it'll seem strange and she will notice and then you will be closer to back to who you were (for yourself and for who she fell in love with). Anytime that difference in power between partners exists, that is just another vicious cycle.

That sounds terribly manipulative doesn't? Yea it does, but I read that in a MARRIAGE BOOK and it wasn't a bad one either. And it is true, trust and believe.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Actually that is exactly what I was thinking, and I was doing that back in May. I was extremely positive back then and focused and the funny thing is ...I had so many people tell me that I seemed to be doing good..all except her. She still would tell me I was haven't made a difference. And over time of only hearing that, it drug me back to the mud. Here's what I do now...she sits in the living room at night and watches tv..I usually sit in my office and work or do homework as I am going to school also. But we spend absolutely 0 time together and when we do it usually turns into a argument.

My wall is starting to surround me and hopefully when that goes up..all my toys will be off the table. I need to focus on keeping me happy. What ever happens in the relationship happens. I guess.

 

[Justpassintime]

Again, not a poster child here, but marriage is seconday to your recovery/life management. You may find when you are better, you do not wish to be there, or it may be she changes after you. It's hard to tell. Keep reading and posting, amazing what it does to your confidence.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Yes...I will...You made me feel better today!! :)

 

[Justpassintime]

Good to know - I'm on a bounce this week. You know how you have those bad days that stretch out? I tend to find once you go way down you bounce back up because you are so relieved it's over. I'm just glad to help on the bounce, not so helpful when I am in the spiral LOL

 

[Shannonstrong]

Im working hard on bouncing back...I just have to get away from this "Me against the world" mind. Although it seems the people around are starting to be the main problems. It's like I have to sacrifice for everyone around me because they think i am weak. I guess I just have to be a dick to all the people that are trying to run over me. IDK...My healing, my world, I guess.LOL

 

[Shannonstrong]

So the last few days have been better for me mentally, I have just kinda been going through as If I just cant allow the actions or non actions of my spouse to bother me. I will see how far that gets me.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Anyone experience where your spoyse acts like you are just a pain in the ass all the time???Like nothing you do is or say is right??