My Relationship Is Falling Apart...

[JessicaMarie92]

I was diagnosed a few years ago due to childhood sexual abuse.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year (May 4) but we've known each other for about seven years. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me, but I'm losing myself in my PTSD. I'm constantly crying, feel rejected when he turns down sex, and just feel all the time like he's going to leave. He works and goes to school 60 hours a week so I am constantly alone. He works so much so we can afford our apartment and that means the world to me. He comes home tired and stressed and just wants to play video games and unwind. But due to my loneliness, I want him to spend time with me. I try to initiate sex, but he turns me down, which makes me feel unattractive and rejected. I cry. I can't help it, it just starts happening. Somehow, I even started thinking he was cheating. He is the most faithful and hardworking person I know, but I can't help thinking it. I'm constantly worried he's going to leave, which probably comes from my issues with abandonment. He says he loves me, but he doesn't know how much longer he can take it. He's already promised himself several times he was going to leave, but he's stayed because he wants to be with me.

I feel like I'm losing not only my love, but my mind. Am I alone?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you in treatment?

 

[JessicaMarie92]

I see a psychiatrist every few months. I used to see a counselor twice a month but stopped. I'm trying to get back in to talk to someone though. I'm taking bupropion and trazadone but it doesn't seem to help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I encourage you to get back into counseling. I think that may help give you another outlet. Are you able to get out of your apartment for other activities? I mean can you get out to engage in other activities such as volunteering or seeing friends?

 

[JessicaMarie92]

Most of my friends bailed on me when I got sick. I also have osteoarthritis in my lower back so by the time I get home from school, I'm hurting and worn out. So I spend my time alone. I'm trying to make friends though.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I completely understand the friends bailing you thing. It happened to me, too.

 

[JessicaMarie92]

It sucks. I'm so worried my boyfriend will leave too. I'm trying to gain control of my PTSD but it's so hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that your relationship will have the best chance of surviving if you focus on your own healing as much as possible. I suggested getting back into therapy so that you have another source of support and this will relieve some of the pressure on your boyfriend.

 

[DarrinTBradley]

Jessica Marie92, I will be praying for you! I encourage you to get back into Counseling if it was helpful; if it was not too helpful, I want to encourage you to seek a Psychiatrist for another referral. I will also be praying for you to have the assurance you need for your relationship. Hang in there, girl! It took me a while to get a firm grip on PTSD and I will be seeking another support group to get plugged back into.

 

[JessicaMarie92]

Thank you so much. :)

 

[AuraBunny]

Hey, I was in the same boat.

Your boyfriend (bf) seems very sweet, he is a hardworker and I can understand cause my current bf is in the Navy.

In the past I suffered abuse in the past from a exbf who wanted to make me dependent on him for money, resources, and sex. He controlled my views many times, didn't want me to think freely for myself and had aggression. I got my independence only after I got treatment and started giving myself goals. It was hard for me to change the first few years because of all the abuse I faced, I got angry, scared and had no one to confide in and even once I left my ex, I struggled to support myself emotionally and physically.

So to speak how does this relate to your case, cause your bf is very good to you. Improving yourself is key to the development of healthy relationships around you. Eventually it builds confidence and a sense of security among ourselves, and that is something that eventually can be shared with others through wisdom once you overcome the hardship. But its not to say we must do that right away and make changes overnight. This takes lot of time, especially if you need support. Eventually I had to go out and stand on my own which meant getting a job so I can keep getting treatment, and to take care of physical health too. Give yourself mental and physical goals, find a support network of people as well, you will need backup if your relationship decides to part ways. If you can't get a job yet, volunteer and try to build up a resume.

For you I would suggest trying to do more activities, clubs, and go find new scenery, hobbies. When you get together at the end of the day you will have more things to share and bond. Sometimes it's the loneliness that makes us feel a lack of self esteem, we as individuals also need to build ourselves stronger and show we are progressing. Trust me, he will know you are also working hard to put in effort for the relationship to grow. The key to healthy relationship in this case starts with changing ourselves. First thing, just go talk to him and let him know you recognize his hard work and you want to be a part of it.

 

[JessicaMarie92]

So, update. I had a huge epiphany, and then he dumped me a week before our anniversary. I have 30 days to move out.