My Son

[winterose]

I do not talk about him much because I am a mother. I am grieving. He is bipolar, was abused at age 6 and now doesn't manage himself or reality very well. He get's angry and violent.

When Don found me in Jax, I gave him to his dad to raise. Not knowing what Don would do if he found out I had a child, I wasn't willing to risk his life. The after stance that the law has was not worth my son's life.

I kept contact but only when things were safe, safe location etc. Sadly his father did not agree I was in such danger until later. My son grew up hearing alot of negative stuff about me.

When we did get together finally, he accused me falsely of abuse. My worse nightmare came true. It was proven in documentation but we went through hell to prove we were innocent. We eventually were proven as not abusive but it took a huge toll on me. It also allowed my son to escape consequences of hitting me and kicking me when I was pregnant at the time.

I know why he was angry. I know why he did it. To get even for what he saw was abandoning him.

No matter what has been told to him supported by facts, no matter what I tried to show him, say to him. It doesn't matter. He wants to try to feed into the guilt I have by manipulation then a tirade of curse words towards me. I do not have contact with him anymore.

We worked on this in therapy. There is nothing I can say or do that will change him. No magical wand. No what if's. Nothing. It has to be on him. It is his life. His choices to be what he is today. He knows what he has to do to maintain his bipolar, stay out of jail, and not hurt others. It's a simple refusal to do so. And nothing I can do will change that.

I have to let go now. And grieve. And let go of the hope, well intentions gone wrong, the everything. It is. I have to sit with the pain now. No right answer. No wrong answer. And sometimes both. And sometimes either. This is the time life can really suck. Please I ask you to be kind with comments or judgements. Keeping my son safe was the first and fore most in my decision. Even though that decision obviously didn't work for him.

 

[Nicolette]

Keeping my son safe was the first and fore most in my decision. Even though that decision obviously didn't work for him.

To me that is the fundamental thing a mother should do and for that I commend your selflessness.

Unfortunately those who never walked in your shoes or a similar journey will not understand. Some people may try, others don't and while sad, at least you know you did the very best you could at the time given your circumstances. :hug:

 

[winterose]

Thank you Nicolette. I really needed that right now. It is so hard not to see myself as a failure. And even if I did it doesn't change one dang thing.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Winterose. My heart aches for you. I had a situation where both my children turned against me for being ill and leaving there Father. I do not understand how they can believe what ever they are being told after knowing you for thier lifetime? I know how much that hurts.

I did not chase after them after trying with no success for years. I just gave up the pain was unbearable. It took six years and they are back. What's the saying if you set them free and the come back??? Any way!

He was brainwashed being told things about you when he was not with you. It is my hopes that he can see the truth. If I could I would like to send you a supportive hug. You do for your children what is best for them and sometimes it takes time for them to see it.

 

[winterose]

Thanks therapy. I been thinking about my response of feeling like a failure. Truth is, I did fail as a parent to some extent. Parenting is more then just DNA shared. It is a behavior. Leaving him with his dad was also not good for him. Now I have to learn to live with that, accept it, make sure I don't make the same mistakes, and move on. It just is going to take time on this one. Life isn't it grand...As a child he deserved to live HIS life not ours.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Winterose, do not forget the foresight you have now as a mature adult. Knowing all you do now is not the same as making the decision you did all those years ago. You did not know how it would turn out. You did your best with what you knew. Be kind to yourself and as you say take one day at a time. I wish you quick healing!

 

[winterose]

I need to take a break. I am having a hard time dealing with this. Thank you Nicolette and therapy for taking the time to respond to my posting. I am trying really hard to get through this but in all honesty I am stuck like a front wheel drive in red mud. Hugs.

 

[winterose]

Think the worse part of it is over now. Still hurts but not so overwhelming. After the emotions ran through, my logic was able to kick in a bit better. I have to remember, though I left him with his dad to keep him safe, I didn't totally escape my responsibility for him. I paid child support even though I didn't have to. I wrote to him. I called him as much was possible. I didn't forget his birthdays.

We had only 2 years where the contact was a little less when the stalking became more heavier. I kept my love for him in my heart, even if it hurt. That love balanced the pain out of not being able to see him growing. I had hope even if he didn't bond as much to me, that he had a full life. That he would be able to find his own way knowing he was loved.

It was his father's responsibility to let him know that. Not to undermine me with him or put me down. That is on him. I can let go now. Will it ever heal? No. But it will be less painful now I can see responsibility vs what was at the time.

I am sorry if others can't understand what I went through. It was never easy decision or an easy journey. I been judged enough by others in this in my life. I have judged myself unfairly as well. I have missed my own incredible strength it took to sacrifice to keep him safe.

I now move on to the next healing stage. I had a hard time adjusting to what society considers the norm and what life brought me. With no rule book, the inability to talk to someone about making those choices, I found none to support me.

I guess it's a strength to realize you find your own path in life that includes your own intellectual understanding of what you know to be true, even if others wish not to believe or must judge. It took me incredible strength to make a decision on my own. I had to make one in conflicted emotions, no understanding, and down right bullying with others opinions of that decision. No one bothered to even find out what it did to me inside. I had to stand on my own. I need to have empathy and compassion with myself now. This painful journey must matter for something.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[Finding Shawna]

((((Winterrose)))) I'm a single mother. Sometimes I question whether or not my son is getting the time and attention he needs with me. Especially when I am going through a depressive episode. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so relate and identify with you and your experiences. My son was abused as a child and his therapist said he needed to get his anger out which was the worst possible advice for him.

My son was bi polar and a alcoholic and a rageaholic. He was a character and I loved him very much but I grew weary of his acting out. Often I would not pick up the phone because I was tired and did not want to hear him raging.

His life was going downhill. He ended up in jail for a felony. He had to live with us and take a anger management class and get into therapy. He always did better on his medication but his downfall was that he always quit taking it when he began to feel better. He started getting DUIs. He had to go to court. He was going downhill so fast. He got killed on a motorcycle accident and luckily he did not hurt anyone but himself. My grief is so complicated.

He was such a hard person to love. I really tried but he never got helped.

It is so hard to have such a difficult child. My heart goes out to you for the hell you have been put through and are now suffering and enduring. I really feel for you. I only hope that in time you will be ok with yourself and your choices. You did the best you could at the time and you went on what you knew at the time.

It is so hard to look back and see what was really going on at the time. Not your fault. Now you have to keep yourself safe and well and have good boundries. I suffer a broken heart with my son. But I know he is at peace at long last.

As a sidenote I used to bite my fingernails to the quick. The day he died I quit biting my nails and have not bitten them ever again. I had no idea how stressed out I was from my sons behavior and words. Hugs to you. I hope you will heal from these past experiences.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Sending Hugs! I so can understand a little of what you are going through! Just get yourself well.
TB