My spine surgery journey: from preparation to recovery

[Justmehere]

Do you have headphones or earplugs to help ignore the noise next door?

 

[bellbird]

Heat pack?

I've queried this with my nurses, as heat is such a comfort to me (My hot water bottle is a permanent appendage of mine for basically 11 months of the year :D )
But it's not possible. I guess because it's a safety thing; working with hot things, that they aren't "qualified" to do. I'm not sure.

Keep some perspective if you can. It may be a very short time. I'm hoping that's the case. They're onto it I hope.

Trying.

Consider asking for that private room now that you are in for so much longer and you are not feeling great?

Yeah, it isn't available any more.

What have your parents said about all of these developments?

Well, I've been keeping them up to date, whilst trying to withold details that aren't -necessary- , as everytime I say something that indicates I'm below functioning "perfectly" (yes, I know this is a distortion as I'm literally in hospital recovering from a major surgery. It's something T and I know we'll need to do a lot of work on) it is incredibly difficult for me.

But they have been frustrated that I was not xrayed earlier. Concerned, I suppose. But also they've allowed me to maintain some independence with everything that has happened; giving me space to speak with my consultants on my own.

I wish they were real. ? ?????

I appreciate them nonetheless :hug:

Do you have headphones or earplugs to help ignore the noise next door?

Yes. To both.
I was considering wearing them but at the same time it was helpful to have open ears so I could react should I need to.

--
It's been a very very tough evening.
I'm sorry, it feels like the girl with the good attitude who I seemed to be to everyone last week, maybe isn't here anymore.

So the general surgeon turned up at about 6.30pm.
Not the most empathetic doctor I've had.
He felt my stomach, asked me some questions, and then basically told me that we are going to have to attack this issue very aggressively. I.e. a lot of enemas (the powerful ones) and a lot of powerful laxatives, a liquid diet, and not much else.

My nurse turned up soon after with my first enema. Well, my fifth more accurately.
She was the nurse who gave me one the other day without any lubricant, so I made sure she used some this time.

Well, this time wasn't any better.
She inserted it at the wrong angle, and was forcing it so f*cking hard with it not going anywhere, and suddenly it slipped and got on the right angle and went inside me with so much force. The nurse then realised like woah crap that pain shouldn't have happened, and she apologised.

But by that stage I was already shaking vigorously, and sobbing, and having rape flashbacks from the pain.
She was so unempathetic as well. Like I get that she's not a therapist, but she will know about my situation because of the information that has been conveyed to the team.
"Please relax"
I gripped onto the bed railing, closed my eyes and just cried through the pain. There was nothing else I could do.
"Please withold the enema for 15-20 minutes"
"Please ring the call button should you need anything"

She left, and I completely broke down.
Broken, is the best way I can describe my feelings. Broken and alone.
I lasted 12 minutes before I had to get myself to the toilet asap.
It was successful, at least. But there will be many, many more. And this is the first stage approach; I'd hate to see what the back up is if this doesn't work.

I got back to my room, and called a friend.
But I think it just made things worse. She was incredibly blunt as well and that is so not what I needed, and it just got me frustrated and upset about all the friends who said they'd visit but haven't.

I wanted to fill my stomach with comforting, solid things, but as it wasn't meal time yet and I hadn't been prescribed fortisips yet, so all I had was either my laxative drink or water. Going into a very sick feeling stomach that was sloshing with only liquid anyway.

The general surgeon said that for most people he'd say that you'll feel much better in 24 hours, but that won't be the case for me because I've had this issue for a long time already, and he thinks most of my gut is filled with hardened stool.

Now I need to try to fall asleep on only liquids.

I feel in pain,
Nauseous,
Weak,
Scared,
And the furthest thing from a brave person with a good attitude.

I'm sorry.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel in pain,
Nauseous,
Weak,
Scared,
And the furthest thing from a brave person with a good attitude.

You don't have to pretend with us. :hug: You are still the mostest brave person I've had the pleasure of meeting for a long while. If you just want to rant and vent on here that everything has turned upside down and you are feeling disapointed and down about it - go right ahead. It's a good outlet and better out than in...

Remember you're still recovering, the anaesthetic and other drugs are still exiting your body and you are on pain medication too. Serious impaction or constipation really does effect one's mood too. It's a medical problem all of it's own but it has mental health effects too. So please don't be so hard on yourself. :hug:

Remember you are still healing and regaining mobility and you are reaching those milestones. Nothing will hold you back once you get this sorted. :)

Your intestines are simply reacting to a marathon surgical procedure, lots of drugs and immobility plus a strange new diet. I can understand why this might be playing up.

You are not a failure bellbird.. not at all.. This is still a marvellous success story, you are still a incredible bellbird and you are kicking goals every day. :)

That enema procedure sounds horrific - can you politely ask for another nurse when the next one is due? It might be an uncomfortable procedure, sure. But it should not painful like you described.

Are you being seen by your 'team' tomorrow because I'd recommend you be quite assertive about your current situation.

Ask for what you want. Don't ask - don't get! imo.

If I was your mother I'd be ripping them a new one for not getting onto this sooner too. So I can understand your parents frustration. You are their daughter even if you are insisting on being super independent.

Look, friends... are great when things are great I suppose. I can totally understand your disappointment when you called needing a bit of a pep talk and someone to listen to you - and instead you receive indifference. Ugh...

Honestly, ask for the private room - with all of these intimate procedures being done and all, plus your pain and nausea I think a little bit of privacy might help you relax. You don't want to be keeping on alert when you are so exhausted. You need to relax and know that you are safe.

In the meantime I'm thinking of you bellbird and I hope you get some rest in-between all of these enemas.

 

[Deleted member 42984]

I'm sorry for the bad experience with the nurse! It's ok to feel scared and weak and to rant and vent when necessary. Think of it this way, you're still being incredibly brave for sharing vulnerability with us! You're not supposed to have a positive attitude ALL the time. I'm sending gentle hugs for my friend :hug::hug:

Btw I very much relate to having a hard time telling your parents when you're not functioning "perfectly". I try to be honest with them, but I don't tell them everything either.

 

[Wendell_R]

I feel in pain,
Nauseous,
Weak,
Scared,
And the furthest thing from a brave person with a good attitude.

I'm sorry.

All of this is okay to express, and it's good that you're letting your feelings out. No need to apologize to us, certainly! I'm sorry you're in pain. Nausea, weakness, and fear are not exactly conducive to a good attitude. We care for you much, and your being in this state doesn't do anything to lessen that care for and appreciation of you. You teach a lot of us about honesty.

That enema procedure sounds horrific - can you politely ask for another nurse when the next one is due?

Yes!

If I was your mother I'd be ripping them a new one for not getting onto this sooner too. So I can understand your parents frustration. You are their daughter even if you are insisting on being super independent.

Yes!

Remember you are still healing and regaining mobility and you are reaching those milestones. Nothing will hold you back once you get this sorted. :)

Yes!

:hug: :hug:

 

[scout86]

Your attitude has been wonderful, but there are times when it's perfectly ok be angry or something else generally thought as "negative". All that you're dealing with about HAS to be frustrating! I hope you're getting better soon, but don't be afraid to stick for yourself the meanwhile.

 

[bellbird]

Thank you all for your messages.
I will get back to them, but first I need to talk about what happened yesterday evening.

I went to the bathroom before I went to bedf, and as I was walking back to my room, I started to feel very faint.

I knew that if I could only take a few more steps that I could make it.

Nope.

Suddenly I was trying to take steps, and my body was just not having it.
I started to go convulse, severly.

I've had psychogenic seizures (diagnosed as such from an EEG, clinical psychologist, and pdoc), but only ever in bed.

I think I was only able to take a couple of steps before it was all too difficult and I collapsed onto the floor.

I started screaming for help, and very soon some nurses and doctors came running.

I think I blacked out a bit, as my memories are very sparse and mixed in with doctors yelling at me to stay with them. And to keep my eyes open.

They got me onto the ground and took my blood pressure and it was 65 over 50.

Then it's all quite a blur until they were fitting me in the hammock of the hoist machine because it was the only thing that could get me off the ground, and then they lowest me onto my bed.

And yes, I will talk to my team about it.

 

[Chris-duck]

Sorry that happened bellbird. How you doing about it all now? I really wish this recovery was going more straight forward for you :hug: You'll get there though. And well done on the inpatient physio discharge!

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so sorry. Sound like a really horribly tough night with your blood pressure crashing and all. On the list of top 5 things you need to be most concerned about, attitude is not one of them.

What kind of mental health support do you have while there? Beyond nurses. I mean trained mental health professionals?

Here, our hospitals have social workers and therapists that can come talk with folks in for longer hospital stays. The more support you can get, the better you’ll do.

I had a bowel issue once, and while doing medical intervention much like you are going through, and almost got to the point of another surgery... my therapist also stepped in and did things to help shore me up mentally and reduce stress levels. Things resolved much more quickly, and the process was a lot less re-traumatizing.

You are handling this all amazingly well for the circumstances. My heart goes out to you!

 

[bellbird]

How you doing about it all now?

Well it's a bit past 4am, which was when I woke in intense pain again.
My nurse gave me some pain relief, but it hasn't kicked in yet, so I am feeling very very sore.

Thank you for asking :hug:

What kind of mental health support do you have while there?

Email/ phone access to my T.
She has texted a couple of times to check in, and I've replied, but I've not had the energy to write longer emails /texts to her. And talking on the phone hasn't been viable with someone lying next to me on the other side of a curtain, and lots of nurses milling around.

Maybe I can ask to use one of the private meeting rooms that are pretty much almost empty, so I can call my T in private and not need to withhold any details.

You are handling this all amazingly well for the circumstances. My heart goes out to you!

Thank you @Justmehere :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Asking for a private space to talk to your therapist makes sense.

While you deal with everything else on your plate, it might be worth considering asking your therapist to do some of the heavy lifting on this. She could contact the hospital and explain there is a need for privacy and greater support.

 

[Friday]

Asking for a private space to talk to your therpaist makes sense.

So does refusing to allow that one nurse to continue on your case.