My Story

[67_09]

• I wish there was a way I could remember more than just what happened to me. A name, or even what he looks like. I am glad I forgot in some ways, because that person is the reason I experienced what its like to be raped and strangled when I tried to tell him to stop. Tell me what kind of a monster would hurt a little girl, and enjoy every bit of it?

I learned what happened when I was 25, though I always knew there was something sad in me that never seemed to pass. My childhood memories were of being alone and sad, wanting to kill myself at 8 by running out in traffic, and feeling angry a lot but rage that I had no control over.

At age 24, I had too much to drink and had sex with someone I had told "no" to lots of times. The day after he had sex with me, I developed unbearable stomach pain that wouldn't go away. From then on, it was a daily occurrence. After a year, I was reccomended to have an upper endoscopy. That was April 24, 2012. When I woke up from the anesthesia, something didn't feel right. I went home right away after, but I couldn't relax. That night, I talked to my boyfriend and asked him why he always brushed his teeth to the point of gagging. It seemed like he was trying to clean some taste that would never go away. He seemed confused by my statement, and I told him my own fears about my own problems. It was at that time that my body went limp. My boyfriend picked me up and put me on the bed. I started screaming and crying like a little girl. I started saying "stop" and then when I tried to breathe in, my throat was closing. It felt like I was being strangled, but no one was there. It finally stopped, and I closed my eyes. I saw the pale white leg of a little girl, and began shivering for no reason (it was very warm at that time in nm). My head felt very dizzy when I opened my eyes. I had no idea what happened or why. I had no desire to eat for several days. I slept only 3 hours a night though I would lie in bed at a normal hour. I was a mess. I felt scared all the time. I began to believe that people were following me while I was driving. I tried to check myself into the mental hospital twice, because I knew I was not right. They let me go home twice. I looked very thin and unhealthy. My mind got worse. Then my mom called the police. By then I was so paranoid and out of it, she took my keys away and forced me to go. While waiting to be checked in to the hospital, I felt a rage come over me when I saw a nurse. She did nothing to me, but I lunged at her at screamed "f*** you, I HATE you!". After that, I was in the hospital on an involuntary hold for a month. I finally got help. I was safe from myself.

 

[67_09]

Also, that profile picture is me. Lol. I did that and then told my older brother to take a picture of it, because it seemed significant to me. Knowing what I know now, yes, it is significant. To me, a very good representation of what was going on with me since I was a kid.

 

[arfie]

I love drawing on skin with felt tip pens. I don't often find willing canvases, but... Wanna volunteer? It wears off in a few days or so. Trust me???

I suffered ALLOT of amnesia with my PTSD, also. It caused allot of irrational responses in my life. Everything from misdirected rages to loving misinterpretations. It took allot of gentle patience to heal it. Still working on it.

Keep smiling, even when ya gots ta paint it on.

 

[67_09]

I love drawing on skin with felt tip pens. I don't often find willing canvases, but... Wanna volunteer? It wears off in a few days or so. Trust me???

I suffered ALLOT of amnesia with my PTSD, also. It caused allot of irrational responses in my life. Everything from misdirected rages to loving misinterpretations. It took allot of gentle patience to heal it. Still working on it.

Keep smiling, even when ya gots ta paint it on.

I drew on tape, not skin. Lol. The tape was clear, so you can't really see that its there except for the fact that my mouth looked odd.

I still get the weird stuff sometimes. Last year (2013), I was crying a lot one week and when I told my mom about it and she seemed ok with hearing it until I had another episode. I said "I can't remember, but something remembers", as I said that my sentence was interuppted by choking again. I gasped for air and my abdomen was contracting inwards really hard. It lasted for about a minute or two and then I started crying as though it was real and someone was listening. As soon as my mom grabbed my hand and said "its ok you're right here", the choking stopped. Luckily after I stopped crying it was like nothing happened. I felt better. My mom wanted to take me to the hospital but I said I was ok, and I was. I was definitely not remembering anything. :)

 

[franciemarnie]

The body remembers. Sounds like your mom brought you back and grounded you in real time.

There is a great book by Babette Rothschild called The Body Remembers. It is so validating to read and understand that what seemed like incomprehensible feeling and behavior at times was the normal response to the abnormal circumstances I went thru.

Welcome to the forum!!!

 

[Lotusstarr]

Your story resembles mine quite closely. I'm also 25, started having nightmares and flashbacks after a trauma resembling my childhood abuse triggered memories a few years ago. I haven't written an intro yet because it's really really hard for me to talk about what happened. I've only done it twice, and afterwards I end up shaking and crying. I'm still dealing with denial, however some of my memories have been corroborated which helps in believing, but it is still a struggle.

I kind of went off on a tangent, but I just wanted to say welcome, and that I can relate to what you are experiencing. I'm pretty new here, but so far I have had very good experiences, and the people here have been very kind and helpful.

 

[macca]

Hi and Welcome! I too have no memory of any incident, but the flashbacks make it feel pretty real! I would only have been a little girl also, and though I'd had flashbacks all my life, I hadn't realised they were flashbacks, as I'd "always" had those experiences and I guess I thought everybody did. It was until I was triggered in a particular way at 43 years of age that I thought, ok, I have to deal with this. I had run out of the house in terror, and ran away crying to myself saying "he's going to hurt me" - which was not the reality of the current situation at all. I sounded like a little kid, not even the language I would use, I would be unlikely to say "hurt" in that situation, it didn't match the fear level. My T thinks I "split off" the trauma, and I currently have no access to it at all, though it definitely affects me. Apparently this often happens if you are traumatised very young. I had my first EMDR recently, and had a massive flashback, heard a male voice threaten me, went into a highly dissociated state afterwards - and thought I heard a little girl's voice ask "why did they hurt me?". But when I came out of it, even though I felt the intense emotions in EMDR, it felt like it belonged to somebody else, like it happened to someone else but I could feel it. Some of what you have said seemed a bit like that. I have been depressed most of my life, and tried to commit suicide at 11. I even asked myself at 11 whether something had happened to me, but because I could not find a memory, decided that it could not have. But I then had horrible abdominal pains, night after night, like you described, and the doctor thought they were "abdominal migraines" but that idea hasn't been consistent. He gave me painkilling injections, which did help at the time.

Anyway, I said more than I intended - but I really identified with your story, and I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in the "weird stuff".

 

[67_09]

I am glad that people relate to me. At the same time, I would rather believe I experienced something psychiatric in nature, rather than psychologic (ptsd related). I don't think I am normal in the sense that I feel very ashamed of what I saw and felt. It is something I feel guilty about, and for the longest time, I believed that in the same way I was hurt I also hurt other children. This is part of my delusion, but I somehow think that it happened when I was asleep or unconscious. It makes sense to me because the episodes I had as an adult were times when my body would take control of ME. It sounds insane, and yeah, even though I act and look normal when I speak (which is really evidence on the contrary) I do still have delusions of things like this. By delusions, I mean false beliefs. I guess its no different than believing in a religion that doesn't exist, but oh well.

Also, I should note, that when I saw the white leg of the little girl, I knew it was a dead girl I saw. I also had a strong impression that other children might have been killed, lots of kids, and that I might have had something to do with it. I truly believe(d) this. Somewhere in my empty noggin, I have these horrible ideas and I have learned to be ok with it. If it ever did happen, it was beyond my conscious control, and that what helps me feel better.

 

[macca]

Do you have a diagnosis?

 

[67_09]

Yeah. Several. Psychosis nos, mood disorder, depression, just to name a few.They have also asked if I might have a dissociative disorder or PTSD but neither of those really fit me and aren't a "formal" in the books kind of thing.