General My Sufferer Broke Up With Me But Still Has Lots Of Contact.

[Chloekim]

My sufferer broke up with me a few weeks ago. She said she needed a "break", I of course gave it, but she contacted me like after 1.5 days or 2 days. Since then we have contact every day. I started to read all the threads feel like I should give up. But she is contacting me or texting back every day. We have only seen each other a few times since on accident. She is making plans to come over or I will come over, but it hasnt worked out yet. But ther is alot of contact and it doesnt look like that is the case for most of the other supporters on the thread losing thier girlfriends/boyfriends. And she does initiate contact sometimes if I do not. I can trigger her by circling around something and bringing it up over and over. I am realizing that and trying not to do that. I did it the day before yesterday and she has been not texting as much. I try to keep it light and stuff. I know her dad had surgery yesterday and she is taking care of him. What should I be doing other than waiting and continueing to be patient?

I still love her and her girls so much. I want to do everything for her, but I know I cannot. Does anyone have an experience similar to this? Where they were great, then there was I need a break, 2 days, then a breakup with continuous contact? What should I think about this? Any advise or suggetions or similar stories.

Update: She started texting me again, it just took her a bit. She has been busy with her dad.

 

[libbylouise27]

From my experience, you are so lucky to have her contacting you at all. My fiance broke off the engagement after she entered into trauma therapy and promised we'd still be best friends and use this time for her to heal. Oh and we live together, now one on the couch and one in the bed. She barely ever speaks to me, I truly think the only reason why she does speak to me anymore is because we live together. She avoids me like the plague. So keep patient and realize that when they say they need space, give it to them. They'll come around, well at least it seems like your sufferer will. You're very lucky :) Hang in there.

 

[Chloekim]

Im so sorry to hear about what happened with your fiance. How long were you dating before this happened? Had she exhibited any signs before this? How long has she been avoiding you? Feel free to contact me to vent or chat. I know how hard it is.

 

[Never Give Up]

@libbylouise27 - your recent comment sounds exactly like my home situation accept I am married.

 

[libbylouise27]

We were going to get married probably after the summer. It's hell. I don't even know this person. I look into her eyes and there is someone else there. I'm so lost and heartbroken. It wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't insisting on leaving and would allow me to try to just be there and work through this.

 

[Never Give Up]

I understand what you are going through. I have been 5 months into this new way of living. My wife has not been treated for anything ptsd related. She feels that it is all me that is wrong with our marriage. She just bought an Apple tablet and that is all she does is use that and tune everybody else out. I have gone 3 weeks living in the same house without ever saying a word. Try to interact gently with her from time to time.

 

[libbylouise27]

@Never Give Up , I'm so sorry for your situation. That's how it is here. At first I was being blamed for a lot, then it was revealed that she was getting trauma therapy on a regular basis, instead of one time like she told me. I describe it as a "Cold Hell". They don't act at all like they care about you or even care to see you, and if you try to talk "gently" it most likely turns into her yelling and getting extremely angry. So instead of interacting with me, she is texting constantly with friends she just met at work. It's so heartbreaking.
I hope your wife will get help. And hopefully you can get help too. Since I have been cut out completely I have been going to therapy to help take care of myself and understand what she is going through. You may not have PTSD, but the situation you're in can cause many problems within yourself. I am sure you already know this.

 

[Never Give Up]

@libbylouise27 - It all started out with getting blamed for things I did 10 plus years ago. I was blamed for not finding her lump before she detected it which led to breast cancer. She is a survivor now and things seem to be improving for her in that area. Her brain seemed to have just turned off almost overnight. I took all the blame...it ate away at me. I had lost 35 lbs. in 2 months and I started to feel like I had my own symptoms happening. I do have a good support team I do to all the time and it helps to take care of yourself whenever you can. If I kept pace with the lack of sleep and anger my wife has...I would have had a stroke or heart attack by now. I am encouraged by your comments and would like to know more on how you deal with those situations you experience.

 

[Care]

It is really helpful to read your responses and know that I am not the only supporter in this situation. Really like the descriptor "cold hell." My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and deferred grieving. Over the past 5 years (we've been together 27 years, since we were teenagers) he's withdrawn, uses the computer to ignore us, and his behaviour is that cold hell - it feels angry & passive aggressive. My son & I live our lives adjusting to his mood, accepting responsibility, always questioning if he's okay, if he's mad. 11 months ago the sleep deprevation was so bad (he had long since moved to the couch) that my husband was suicidal. Instead of going to the hospital he went to a friend's house claiming he just needed to sleep a few nights and he has never returned. When he's emotional he blames me and is angry at me, perceiving that I'm being manipulative and bringing up issues from years ago. This is a 180 degree change. We never fought. I can't even comprehend that he thinks I'm doing or thinking these things. So how do I challenge it?

He maintains contact mostly through texts and he sees our son almost everyday. Usually over the weekend there is at least a day of no radio silence. About 36 hours he isn't in our world at all. The friend he's staying with is a woman. The only person he has contact with as he's isolated himself from all our friends and family. He's going to therapy 2x month. Won't let me meet his therapist and won't agree to us going together to counselling unless I'm willing to agree that the best outcome might be that he doesn't live with me. I don't know what to do because I can't agree to that. I can't start something with failure already an option. Do I lie just to get him there? I know that if he and I can't recconnect and have emotional intimacy than I have to cut him out of my life except for dealings with our son. This casual contact is killing me.

 

[Never Give Up]

If this comment can help I would like to share this with you. On 4/5 my wife called me at a local gas station and asked me to go for a ride. She wanted to pursue the divorce which has been delayed. I went for a ride and got an ear full about how I was wrong and was blamed for many situations that I cannot fix. After a few hours I looked her in the eyes and told her how much I loved her and still have feeling for her. I clearly outlined some of the changes I have made with I was being shut out and ignored from her. That evening she just snapped back into her old self. She has been selfless, caring, loving, and totally into committing her all back into our marriage. I still cannot understand the change. There was nothing I said that she has not heard before. I really feel it was the power of prayer and the Lord softening our hearts. This has been truly the best week of our marriage in many years.

I was told on a different forum that my wife was grieving and not showing heavy symptoms of ptsd.

 

[Chloekim]

Wow. there are so many reasons for this shutting out thing. I want to be patient and wait. But last weekend she told me she was never in love with me, but still in love with her ex. It was the day after her therapy. I feel like I should just give up.

 

[libbylouise27]

@Care, I am so sorry you are going through this. With the exception of having a child together, this is almost exactly what happened to me. Except now she's moving out. I have begged her to not leave, begged her to go to therapy with her or to mine with me, etc. I keep catching her in these lies. Completely shut me out all together. We were in the greatest most loving relationship before she started dealing with the trauma in therapy. Now I lost her and my home...we were renting and I can't afford it by myself. I wish we had a child together, it would give us some reason to remain in contact. Although maybe this separation will help in the long run. I keep getting that angry terrifying look with no explanation other than I'm breathing. I think when it comes down to it there's so much pressure involved with being so intimate with someone especially when the one has PTSD. Then they know they are acting horribly to the other one which only makes them feel terrible about themselves even more and it's a vicious cycle. I pray your husband comes around soon. If he is getting help, things may get worse before they get better. It would be hard for me to not lie to get to the therapy appointment. Maybe you could find a different way to word you agreeing to separating to get to the therapist?