My Suicide Attempt

[joobie m]

I just thought I would pop in here and tell people about my experience with suicide attempts.

just under 2 years ago I had so much stuff going on in my life. I had just left a very abusive partner who had almost succeeded in seperating me from my family and then had 3 affairs on me (I suspected the third but didnt have it confirmed till much later). It had been so hard leaving. It had taken all my strength and I had been trying to get the courage for a long time before I actually managed it.

I had been going on dates all of which were probably rebounds or me trying to feel wanted and valued. I'm not sure which. I was living with my friend and her 4 children and helping to rebuild their lives after her fiance left her for another woman. He was giving me hassle via e mail telling me I was getting involved in things I knew nothing about.

I had just been to pick up the last of my bits from my ex home and I managed to look composed even when I got there to find the piece of fluff and her daughter there too, my ex was clearly moving in with them.

I got home and went to my room for some piece and quiet. Amy the 4 year old was playing with the toothpaste in the bathroom so I told her off and made her clean up. I will add now I had been given full authority over the children from my friend as she needed the back up when they misbehaved.

She went downstairs and I heard her say to her mum "I dont like Julie, I dont want her living here anymore". That for me was the final straw. I felt useless, like the world would be better off without me. I had finally hit my rock bottom. I was in therapy at the time so I had so many things from my childhood running around my head.

My sister had attempted suicide many times and never succeeded and I had always said that is what stopped me attempting it. This time however I had finally had enough so I took all of my anti depressants and sent a text message to my mum and my two sisters telling them I love them.

My friend found me with the empty packets in front of me and I was crying asking her to just let me go but she refused to and called an ambulance. She also called my mum and one of my sisters who lives around the corner to my mum and they met me at the hospital.

Seeing my mums face broke my heart. I had almost destroyed her with one action. I felt guilty but I also felt sad that it hadnt worked. I'm not going to sit here and say think about the others if you are feeling like that though because I knew that before I did what I did and believe me at the point of no return the last thing on your mind is how they feel. You really do feel like you are doing them a favour by being out of their life.

I was lucky. I had people to look after me. Including Russ my now fiance. He was there for me throughout it all. I could not have returned to work if it hadnt been for him. I think that was when our friendship turned into love.

Things worked out for me and I know I am lucky. I hope my honesty will help at least one person. I'm not proud of what I did but I refuse to be ashamed. I didnt ask for things in my life to be how they were and I refuse to be ashamed of those too.

please feel free to ask me any questions if you feel I have missed out anything.

 

[anthony]

Well done Joobie... there isn't anything to be ashamed off either. Talking is healthy.

 

[curiouser]

Joobie, your failed suicide attempt experience is so similar to mine, it's as if I could have written it myself. Mine was over ten years ago, and thank goodness my roommate found me in time. I never knew that emotional pain could feel so bad, and that wanting out and taking a bunch of pills would seem like such a sane and rational option, till it happened to me. At least you left notes for people that you cared about, I didn't tell anyone, or leave any notes. I just didn't care about anyone or anything else at that point. Looking back on everything now, I am so grateful and lucky that I failed. I can't believe how many great things and people I would have missed out on, had I succeeded. My life has changed so much since that extremely dark time, it almost seems like it was another person and not me.

Thanks for having the courage to share such vulnerable and sensitive details of your experience.

 

[Jade-]

My attempts were with pills too. The first time, I was 15. I took a few bottles of pills and put my stereo speakers beside my head and listened to Tom Petty "Don't do me like that" and was waiting to die. My mom found me and took me to the hospital. I was pissed that I didn't succeed.

Another time, as an adult, I took bottles of pills and I don't know how long I was out/asleep but when I first woke up, I thought maybe I was dead. I wasn't, and again I was pissed. Pills don't seem to be the way to do it.

 

[AvoidanceRulez]

I just thought I would pop in here and tell people about my experience with suicide attempts.

Your fiance sounds great.
I tried ODing too. I even read the PDR to know how much to take, only to have the supposedly fatal dosage I took clump up in my stomach in a bunch of different clumps so my levels kept fluctuating..my poor liver! I felt like suing the publishers of the PDR LOL
It took nearly 2 weeks for the level to get back down to level where they'd be able to discharge me

 

[Heather]

I think you are right Jadebear pills don't seem to be the way to do it. I overdosed at 15 too and when I woke up I was pissed to find out it didn't work. I also tried locking myself in the garage with car running but that didn't work either. Just couldn't seem to get it right.

 

[alixipain]

My first attempt ended with me having a not so pretty scar on my forehead bullet grazed. second broke my jaw in 3 places, nose, collar bone, and took all my teeth out drove my car into a bridge support barrier, 3rd; drove motorcycle into a telephone pole, 7 bolts, 4 plates, 8 pins, (all removed except 1 rod in collar bone) and a plate replacing what parts of my skull is missing. 4th was stopped before I could jump. I wont tell what I will do if I try next time, because if I llet that enter my mind I will do it. Its hard for that g/f of mine to understand why I wont take the DNR of my medicial, the only thing I havent accomplished in my life is to watch my dad on his death bed to whisper in his ear, "I'm still alive and your the f****r thats dying!" with 500 miles between us its not enough.

 

[Marie E.]

I could only remember four suicide attempts. 1st when I was around ten when I took at least 50 - 60 pills, some over the counter, some a prescription of my younger brother's meds, I didn't know what all of them were for, but it didn't work and I wasn't at the hospital. I told nobody. I woke up in my room. My mother only found out later when I wrote on a X-mas card to a betraying friend how bad she made me feel and was it enough with what my father did to me, nobody caring??

2nd time was when I tried to drown myself at 16 in a bath tub full of scolding hot water. My body resisted and there were to many distractions with somebody knocking on the door.

3rd was when I tried to slice my wrists. I was 16 as well and a self mutilator. I chickened out. I felt every reason and excuse to let myself go, but no energy. I had felt so dead inside.

4th time was when my abuser offered to hand me a razor blade because he could see it in my eyes how bad he was hurting me by screaming at me for 5 or so hours and reminding me of how I loved to be beat up and be broken. It took a h*ll of a lot courage not to take it, though he tried to force assisted suicide with me by even filling the bath tub up with hot water and offering to hold my hand to do it. He encouraged me it was a good feeling and it was ok. Only thing I could think of was how I loved my than one child at the time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Marie E, that was a sane thought in an insane situation.
I hope that you can face the gravity of what he has done to you and not whitewash it for your children's sake, because any judge etc should know he has a long history of terrible mental cruelty, if not a penchant for outright sadism.

I am so sorry you went through that, please try to be strong and document facts to the judge or anyone who will listen. Speak with Victim Services, a Domestic Violence Shelter, reach out to anyone who will support you- someone will.
((((Marie))))

 

[Marie E.]

JB Thanks for your support (((Hugs))) Linking Arms

Yes, I do have all of that support. My older boy has been in therapy as well. I might put him back in if he gets too traumatized by seeing his abusive predator father this Thursday.

I pretty much have only been in court over the custody of my kids. Suxs cause the crime happened in Canada and we are here in the States, my two kids and I. But, I'm pretty sure the doc evaluator will finally take it seriously what my ex did to my older boy, through his own reactions and words. And sadly by the way he reacts n speaks to his father.

He is a very brave kid. I've seen him grow so much inside since he was five last time he had seen his father.

Puzzled on how my lil 4yr old will react. He doesn't know his dad. He was 4 months when I left his father. I think he will look up to his older brother and rely on him. I think he already senses the tension of how his older brother feels about their father.

Sorry this post is kinda out of place, guess I needed to vent.

 

[alixipain]

vent anywhere you wish, better to get it out than to close it up. The first time I vented I felt like a frieght train was lifted from my chest.

 

[Jade Ward]

Mine will be one year ago on May 1st. Even though I feel so much better than I used to, the guilt and embarrassment of what I did is pretty much all i can think about. I feel so stupid for what I did as I didn't have any just cause apart from feeling low. I almost feel like by attempting suicide I have ruined the rest of my life by behaving like that. After it had happened one of my closest friends began sending me abusive emails describing how pathetic and selfish I was, and how much people disliked me and thought I was an attention seeker. I think this has played a huge part in my inability to move on, especially as i often find myself agreeing with her or just feeling scared that other people share her views. Even though I havent seen or spoken to her in nearly a year I still feel so awful about everything. Just wanted to leave a comment as I have been unable to tell others that I am still very shaken up by the whole thing.