My Summer Of Anxiety

[squireparty]

I've been away from here for several months and I'm back now after a fairly disastrous summer of thinking I could get my act together on cue. It's good to be back here, and I realize once more that PTSD is not something I can just wish away or mark some dates on my calendar in the future that I need to be better by.

In short, I had some long put off family kinds of things I had to deal with this past Spring when out of nowhere I was offered a job waiting tables in northern Utah. Big red flag right there - I should have known better than to accept a job waiting tables. It's just something I can't at the moment do. But I thought I was doing better and could get it together to last a summer doing it and save some money.

So I rushed myself to get a lot done at home so I could leave for Utah on May 7th. I lasted all of a week. Seriously, a full seven days. Three of the days actually went ok. Then I had two days off. I went back to work again and found myself alone on the floor with a new menu that I had had no training for and business was getting busy and I was unable to close out guest checks due to some computer glitch.

I then found myself feeling like I was truly going insane. It was like an out of body experience. My head was spinning and felt like it was lifting off my body and my heart was racing to the point I wondered if I was having a heart attack. Though I have experienced anxiety, it had never been to this point.

I could go on and on about the rest of the afternoon but the main point is there was suddenly a new twist on this. I was told that as long as I didn't have another panic attack that my job was still OK - and then promptly had two more attacks the next day before going in for my dinner shift. I got myself out of Utah and flew home.

Since then I have been very very very slowly recouping and trying to accept that I may make progress but progress does not mean cured. I am moving slowly and trying to eat better and be more of a friend to myself if you know what I mean.

It's good to be here again.

 

[dms]

I may make progress but progress does not mean cured.

I'm sorry your job didn't work out. I actually had to laugh out loud because my last job lasted 7 days with two days off too. At least we tried..I hope my laughter doesn't bother you. I'm really learning to laugh at myself more..Bahaha Be Blessed

 

[TLight]

Waiting tables with ptsd? Ah, impossible? At least for me at this point, dealing with the public and multi-tasking. Out of the question. However, I'm pretty advanced in cptsd, 20 years since my major breakdown. I have more than three things to handle in a day and I relapse. Finally had to do disability.

Good for you for trying. Before my breakdown I waited table for years. Was always triggering for me, but didn't know that was what was happening. It's a tough tough job, but I loved the commadery of my co-workers.

 

[dms]

I use to work with the public and was expected to multitask too. I couldn't keep a JOB without having to take frequent breaks....of course that didn't sit to well with Management. LOL I recently applied for SSDI again, and just received my second denial in the mail. This time i'm not going to give up. I'm filing my Appeal on Tuesday..

 

[franciemarnie]

The only nightmares I ever had having to do with work had to do with waiting tables. I dreamed of constant emergencies there every night. It was an extremely stressful job for me, far more so than the deadline driven proposal writing job in a dysfunctional workplace with an unpredictable boss with anger management problems I had for a decade. Never dreamed about that one.

How incredibly courageous you were to go back the day after your panic attack! I'd have been out of there and never looked back.

Definitely not the right job at this time.

 

[presentjoy]

Mine didn't involve a job, but I had a similar sort of less than 7 days of trying to do something and feeling like I utterly failed, mainly because out in the new situation, stretching myself, I couldn't do it. I panicked. I have to learn what to do when this happens so that I don't wreck more things.

Funny how today I was trying to think of jobs that I could do in the late afternoon/evenings and serving came up, but I absolutely know my system wouldn't handle that kind of work. Right now needs calm, lower stimulation, and low pressure.

Hope you can be (and it sounds like maybe you are being) kind to yourself, for trying and then seeing that it didn't work out is a lesson. Glad you're back for support. Good to meet you.

 

[squireparty]

Thanks everyone for the replies! There is a little more to the story that I did not post originally as I did not want my post to become a novel. But I think maybe these few details are relevant.

The day I had my first panic attack I left the floor and went to employee housing around the corner and found another server to fill in for me while I tried to cope with my attack. This server called her rooomate who was nearby hiking and was an EMT. Turns out there were two EMTs on the restaurant staff and they arrived within 15 minutes. They book my pulse and BP - both sky high, and called the closest hospital, which was maybe 30 miles away in Rock Spring, Wyoming. They also called an ambulance and also law enforcement arrived.

Please understand here that I don't have insurance at the moment so in addition to the panic attack I am dealing with the sudden fear of a huge hospital bill. I stated that I did not want to go to the hospital due to not having insurance and law enforcement threatened to taser me and arrest me. It was more than I could deal with and I broke down crying which turned out to be a good thing as my blood pressure went down and the doctor at the hospital in Wyoming said that since my BP had gone down, I did not need to be shipped off to the hospital.

I'm in this dazed fog but feeling a little more real and the EMTs leave and so does law enforcement. That situation for awhile there was a three ring circus and it was so scary as I had no control over any of the variables and the threat of being tasered and arrested did not sit well with me. Looking back, I think I should have left sooner, but I liked the area and a few of my co-workers and as always, I did not want to be a problem, if you know what I mean.

Good thing I had the two panic attacks the next day as the law enforcement officers that spooked me? This was a tiny town in rural Utah and I would have been waiting on them a few days a week as they came into the restaurant often for lunch. Ugggggh! And I even felt guilty for leaving! Ugggggh!

Takeaway for me here is that I need to place taking care of myself higher than what other people think of me.

 

[LizardViolet]

Takeaway for me here is that I need to place taking care of myself higher than what other people think of me.

That is very wise.

I hate not being able to do things that I used to do without thinking twice about it.

 

[dms]

I really really understand!