Relationship My Supporter

[shimmerz]

I wasn't sure where to post this because it is ABOUT my supporter. I am a sufferer.

My supporter has been sick for the past 3 weeks. I am highly activated as I am moving out of the country soon. I can't even express all of the triggers that are being thrown at me at this point.
1. Cleaning. Make the apt immaculate.
2. Pack. Decide what to bring, what not to bring, throw out stuff, give stuff away, pack stuff. OMFG!
3. Moving to a completely new province (back to Canada but in a place I don't know.

I am sure there is more but I can't even think of that right now. We are leaving next Friday.

With my sufferer having been sick for so long (I have been taking care of him), he is wiped out. Obviously he isn't as careful about his wording as he normally is. It is bringing out my neurotic side big time. I am so worried that I am not going fast enough, good enough, making the right decisions. Normally he would just encourage me. I am seeing from his general malaise that it isn't an option to go to him to boost me up.

Today when I picked him up he asked how my day was. I said it was good. It was horrible. I feel like I am lying to him but I also feel like a huge whiner and that he doesn't have the energy for it. He has taken on the majority of the burden of getting things organized for this move.

As a supporter, when your energy is down or you are suffering with outside pressure, is it helpful to you as a supporter for your sufferer to just 'bite it' and not tell you what is going on with them? Is that considered a lie (in your mind)? I think I have more questions but my head is so scrambled right now. I think I just need input as to whether I am doing him wrong or not by keeping stuff inside.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

keeping stuff inside.

These are big immediate concerns. Moving and illness. It is not to me keeping stuff inside. Think about just bailing water out of the boat. Heavy hard work. Necessary. Need to talk it about it, nah. Doing the best you can for both of you under circumstances. Share was is necessary, bail out the rest. Hugs to both of you. Not simplifying this at all. It is bailing out the boat.

 

[Mytime]

As a supporter I would tell him about your shitty day.Because trust is strength. And your only going to have more going on in your head and maybe feeling guilty for not telling him. But maybe after you share your shitty day with him you can share how good it feels to know he is there to listen to you and he is a good feeling

 

[scout86]

Great question! I can't wait to see how they answer you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That is a good question...

I don't think telling him everything's fine is a lie per se. I think it's just the courteous response in our culture when you don't want to share details. If he's usually pretty empathetic, he probably knows you're totally stressed already.

If it seems dishonest to you to say you're fine when you aren't, I think it'd be OK to say something like "My day was horrible because I'm stressed, but I don't need to talk about it right now. Let's just try to relax tonight." If my sufferer said anything like that to me, that'd be my cue to drop it.

Actually, I'd probably appreciate it if I was feeling ill or needed some time to rest myself. I'd know how considerate he was being of my feelings, especially if I knew his cup was full. That's a Herculean effort, and I'd know it was from a place of love.

I love my sufferer to bits and pieces, and usually I'll listen to anything he needs to say, but sometimes it's nice to get a little break when you're sick or having a really bad day. I've actually sent him over the edge when I had a cancer scare complete with painful biopsies and ultimately a surgery. He had a meltdown, saying I got cancer because he was a killer. It was karma, etc., and he started talking about wanting to die. I know it was because he loves me and was scared for me. However, it was really hard to be a rock for him when I was in pain, sitting by the phone waiting on my biopsy results. I was absolutely there for him, but it would have been nice to have a little peace when I was freaked too.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Today when I picked him up he asked how my day was. I said it was good. It was horrible. I feel like I am lying to him but I also feel like a huge whiner and that he doesn't have the energy for it.

^ This could quite often be said by a supporter. And at this moment in time YOU are a supporter. I don't think it's wrong, but if you don't feel comfortable with it this is a great idea:

"My day was horrible because I'm stressed, but I don't need to talk about it right now. Let's just try to relax tonight."

I think he will appreciate you trying not to add to his stress however you do it.

However, it was really hard to be a rock for him when I was in pain

I'm sorry to hear you went though all of this @Sweetpea76 and hope everything is good with you now.

There are times when no matter how much we love our sufferers we just can't be there for them. And we feel guilty about that. And in those times we understand that our sufferers may not be able to support us, but we love that they try and that is so important to us.

@shimmerz I hope your guy feels better soon, and the move goes as smoothly as possible. Good luck!

 

[shimmerz]

I've actually sent him over the edge when I had a cancer scare complete with painful biopsies and ultimately a surgery.

I am so very sorry this happened to you @Sweetpea76 . I can't imagine. I have to hand it to you supporters, the grounding you provide is unbelievable.

I want this to be as close to a two way relationship as is humanly possible. For all the support he provides to me, I really would like to use that to help shore me up so that I can practice being okay and supportive even if he HASN'T had a bad day. This is what I have learned through this. I just need to make certain that I don't fall to self criticism, neurotic type behaviour .... be aware of my internal self when the tides change.

And in those times we understand that our sufferers may not be able to support us, but we love that they try and that is so important to us.

I hadn't thought about the fact that our supporters could see that. Thank you for this @Purplemunchkin. It is so difficult to see myself as anything but a liability. I suppose that needs to change. One step at a time.

Thank you both, very much. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm A-OK, it was caught in the last stage of precancer, so one more clear biopsy, and I'm back to normal.

You know what though, it was my sufferer being a little neurotic and overprotective that helped me. I'm terrible about going to the doctor, especially for routine checkups, and he was the one who convinced me to go to the appointment that found the issue.

We take turns being the liability ;):D

 

[shimmerz]

I'm A-OK, it was caught in the last stage of precancer,

I am so very glad to hear that! You are truly a gem! :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

With my sufferer

Freudian slip? ;)

I believe there is nothing more human than honest communication with someone you love. I see it as lying when you say you are great, when it is not true, but it does not make you a whiner. If you start adapting your truth to be liked, chances are you end up being a prisoner of yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

But Idk though if it's really ok to say, @Changeling ? Burden-wise. Like @shimmerz said. :(

But, I was thinking a few days ago, it really is that way; when one person has something, the people who deal with it sort of too. All things, illnesses, physical or otherwise etc. They suffer too, or 'deal' with the stuff. Yikes, no words atm. :(

But I do definitely think it's worse to not know at all if something wrong is there.

 

[shimmerz]

Freudian slip?

Must be. I missed this one. I did that probably 3 times when I was posting. Thought I caught them all. ;-)

If you start adapting your truth to be liked, chances are you end up being a prisoner of yourself.

But seriously! OMG! I feel like I am a broken record! Same story evvvvverrrrryyyyyy day. I need to buy icecream and smile for 5 minutes.