Monster, I second all that Lizio said.
It's possible your T. made a mistake. He's only human, and doing the best he can.
Our mental defensiveness is a minefield for which nobody has a map. We only discover our triggers by running into them. One we identify one though, we can defuse it - with help.
If a person in your life appeared to be calmly holding a texting conversation one moment, then was very agitated and tearful as soon as you both were alone....what might you think?
By your description, both these vastly different outward appearances are two different manifestations of the same type of feelings and distress level. Having been there, I get it. My coping skills would get me through to hide it until I felt safe enough to go to pieces.
But it's also fair to say this can be bewildering to others. Some take this behavior as manipulation, or worse, that it's a sign they are hurting us worse somehow (this misinterpretation by loved ones wears out our supporters so needs addressed for their well-being, too).
Can you see how a T. might be confused?
It doesn't sound like your T. is abandoning you, just trying to figure out if it's him causing your activation level to skyrocket, or something in the office, or what happened to cause you to switch from one appearance to another.
I used to experience my T.'s challenges as abandoning me, hence the 'emptiness.'
I'm determined that I will break my pattern of 'abandoning the relationship before he can abandon me' - a lifelong pattern for me. So, I keep forcing myself to go back.
I can tolerate his questioning, now, even though it feels frightening or painful at the time. Because my T. gives me an honest view of how my self-protective behaviors look to some people...and it has shown me how these defenses which once kept me alive now hold me back.
Every time I've been ticked at him, I've gone back and told him. ...and learned that he was not meaning to make me feel anything like what I did feel. ...and he's worked hard to alter his approach on things so I know he's trying.
My poor T. really was upset when I fired him the first time...but not at me, though if course I thought it was at me. But he was appalled that I perceived him as angry and threatening me. He was upset at himself for the loss of attunement...something we both work hard to keep, but like any relationship, has some better days than others.
Did you experience emotional abandonment before? If so...does this feel similar?
Regardless if I'm making any sense, I hope you will continue to search for a T. You'll face these same issues over and over in life and it's far less painful in the long run to be willing to be teachable the first opportunity that arises. I sure wish I had known that decades ago.
Until we learn skills to help our insides match our outsides, we continually experience being misunderstood. DBT helped me a lot with this. Now, I rarely feel like I get misunderstood, but before....this was my life.
...and it caused me continuous stress and conflict with people.
Working through these hard issues - not that I'm anywhere close, yet - has brought me far greater daily peace of mind and enjoyment with healthier people.
Don't give up on yourself. You have the courage to listen to yourself and ask for what you need.
What behavior of his would you want him to change?
