My T Crushed Me

[Wanda]

Thank you

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm glad you are still here and that your therapist called to apologize. That was a good reaction from him.

I have been to a lot of therapists. They are not interchangeable. Therapy is an alchemy of personality matching. It can be helpful and transformative or it can be flat out traumatizing. In my opinion given that you are paying for the privilege of a relationship with a therapist it is the one time in your life when you get to say, "Actually my boundaries are the important ones."

I'm very rigid in what I need from a therapist. I have gone from a nasty appointment with one person to doing fairly deep trauma work within the next week with someone else. It's alchemy. I don't believe that "you aren't ready" necessarily if you have a bad experience with someone. Maybe it just means that person is a bad fit.

But I have to be very aggressive and proactive about finding therapists. I am queer and kinky and I have a trauma history that makes mental health professionals tell me, "You should be dead." No one in the whole f*cking world will be able to help me get my needs met unless I micromanage the experience because my needs are complex and unusual. It sounds like you might be in the same boat.

I'm sorry. This boat is rocky and has uncomfortable seats.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Right kind, I'm so glad you posted. I hadn't thought about it as my time to say my boundries are important. I told him on Friday that I wanted to do trauma work, that I practiced my skills and I feel ready. He agreed to incorporate trauma work into our sessions, but he doesn't want me in the ER every other weekend with suicide attempts. I don't want to be there either. I have had 6 or 7 ER visits with 4 hospitalizations in the last year. I never want to go back.

 

[rightkindofme]

I hear you. I won't go inpatient again. I just won't. I will do anything else.

When I am at my most suicidal I get through by doing a lot of hysterical crying. These days crying feels like all I have left. I feel like cutting isn't an option (I don't want to model it for my kids) I can't beat my head on concrete anymore (I am at increasing risk of stroke given my escalating symptoms--I am told) and I don't want to burn myself anymore (that's how my brother successfully killed himself so it is A Thing). I can't handle alcohol because it makes my stomach hurt. I smoke a lot of pot and I cry.

I tell myself that a whole lot of crying has probably never killed anyone. I have a lot of crying left in me. I can cry and feel helpless and upset. It's ok to feel that way.

What options do you see when you are really deep in it? What kinds of evasions and games do you play to deal with that last horrible decision?

 

[Wanda]

Crying releases toxins from you body. Killing yourself is never the way out....why let the people who have put u in this turmoil????? I have always believed that by not killing myself people who don't like me are stuck with me. Being a Buddhist, I have found you make your own happiness, NO ONE ELSE. You make the choices in life to live and believe in your own pursuit of happiness.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Now I go in my room and stay in my bed. I had a horrible day today, black, where I couldn't begin to think of reasons to stay alive, just wanted to die. I stayed in bed for 5 hours and actually slept, which I really needed. The real reason I didn't do it was because I told my T I would call him before I did, and I didn't want to call him on a Sunday. Stupid reason but it worked. The last few times I OD'd but I will call my T tomorrow.

 

[rightkindofme]

Black or not you made it. That's the first step. :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yep, and today is a new day. I got more sleep last night which is huge, since I've been sleeping only 2-3 hours a night. I will walk my girls this morning and email my T later. I don't want to go to the hospital, but the folks on my emergency plan are unreliable at best. I don't know any reliable folks.

 

[Wanda]

Great job monster1977! Glad to hear you slept. You are right today is a new day. Take care and look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I talked to my T and I am going to ride it out until tomorrow. I will not kill myself and I've been doing deep cleaning and it feels good and I am feeling better. Not awesome, but there is improvement!

 

[DharmaGirl]

The asshole said he would check back with me today and he never did. Its pretty sad when someone you pay to care doesn't. Pretty sad.

 

[Springer80]

Hey Monster,

It sounds like you've taken a bit of a body blow :banghead: :blackeye: ....Sorry :sorry:
I don't know why he hasn't kept his promise, especially when your not feeling too hot. Please don't be taking it personally. Therapists :rolleyes: , there just people who are slightly better read then you (you'd hope) but that doesn't account for common sense, memory capacity or innate empathy. I hope you can curl up and take it easy for a bit. I know feeling down is so draining :inpain: .

Take Care...:hug:

PS. Your dog looks lovely....hope it's good for cuddles!