My T Crushed Me

[DharmaGirl]

Thanks Springer. Nugget is my service dog. She is a mastiff/great dane/St. bernard. She is a huge help. She loves to cuddle.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yeah, I'm pretty done with therapy in general and my T in particular. I'm going to get a job and stop going to therapy. I don't care about getting better anymore. If I hadn't started this f*cking process, I wouldn't be as bad off as I am. I wouldn't have remembered the trauma. I just have to find a job first. I have lost all hope of therapy helping.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Monster,

I think if thats how you feel then go with it. I'd been in therapy for quite a while and been going through a longish legal process and then it got thrown out before it could go to court. I think I'd moved house that year and started a new job. I'd had enough. I just wanted to have fun. Just be careful you don't end up being engaged to someone lovely but ultimately not right for you!

Now looking back I actually don't put alot of stock in the therapy I did the most of. I helped me to continue patching over the cracks whilst I struggled to continue a normal life but it didn't remove the issue. Sensori motor based therapy is the best I've found for that.

Good luck with the job hunting. I hope you can find something engaging but not stressful. What about dog walking, or would Nugget get jealous?

Hope your okay? :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Monster, I hope you're feeling better and good. :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

"I know I hide it well, but I am really upset right now"

Yes, Monster I understand you. You were trying keep your all strength with yourself, so you don't burst out all of sudden. It's hard to do and I do this, too. So many times in my life. I don't like let out myself and hide it all under normal face.

 

[rightkindofme]

I go through periods where therapy is working for me and then it isn't for a while. And a bad therapist is like shooting yourself in the foot right before you go ballroom dancing. Bad therapists can do a lot of damage. I'm sorry your current therapist is making agreements and breaking them. That is one of the biggest reasons I fire therapists.

I'm paying you to be consistent, asshole. (Not 'you' but previous flakey therapists, rather.)

 

[Tanishq]

Yes, rightkindofme. It is like doctors can be bad and rough,too. We can change doctors, so we can change therapist. but it can be frustrating for ourselves that we will have to repeat everything with new therapist from right starting point.

 

[Springer80]

Bad therapists can do a lot of damage. I'm paying you to be consistent, asshole. (Not 'you' but previous flakey therapists, rather.)

MMMmm??? Consistent assholes....are also therapists! I think sometimes a therapists personality or school of training :bookworm: , can clash with the stage your going through. I saw a woman who whispered at me like I was a child :bag: . She wore lilac all the blo*dy time (don't know why that irritated me?). I was in my fierce angry stage :devilish: and I felt like her total approach to it would be to offer me a nice hot chocolate and a little sit down. Every time I saw her I came out more pi**ed off then when I arrived :mad: . I could have throttled her. I still don't like people who wear too much lilac :laugh: ??? We didn't last long together :meh:

 

[rightkindofme]

I tell therapists to be careful because I am very good at projecting and I have a whole host of bad voices in my head that want to be ascribed to her (I see chicks). I tell them that if they are more than ten minutes late (without a phone call and a very good reason) I will leave and not come back. I tell them that if they are late more than twice in a short period I will leave and not come back. I tell them that if they tell me "next time we will _____" and then don't do it I will very quietly take note and then not come back. I want to find a reason to think you disapprove of me or hate me. I need therapists to be a blank wall and not react to what I say. Don't be comforting and for the love of christ don't flinch. I go to therapists because I need to have someone learn how to be a positive mirror. I need someone to help me understand that it is ok for me to continue to exist.

I have written documents that introduce my history to therapists. I can't do that kind of intro verbally any more. The timeline of my life is titled "An Incomplete Introduction to Krissy's Trauma" because I only list the three most significant traumas of each year because I wanted it to fit on one page. But last year I wrote a book about the first 18 years of my life (it's on Amazon! It's been downloaded more than 1100 times! I'm a real writer! Woo!) so now I can hand them the whole story. Ha.

I have seen 21 therapists. I struck gold three times. I keep hunting because the good has been so very good. The bad is hard and takes separate work to deal with. My good therapists made me understand what I have to give in the world. They helped me understand why I am valuable. I'll keep hunting for another companion on that journey because I'm scared of not having anyone. I'm resigned to the fact that I have to pay someone to be in that role. I try to be clear about my expectations up front because they are quite rigid.

 

[Tanishq]

rightkindofme, I felt you could be therapist for yourself. But yes, it can be quite hard. A good therapist can become mirror for yourself and that can help you a lot.

I did that thing. That college madame told I can trust her and she is there to talk about anything I want. It was all on first day and I had feeling it is possible I may never talk with her again. Few weeks ago, I sent her an email for some help. She did not respond it and I got her answer she is not interested. Those were just false hopes from her.

It happened again, last week when I was at college to sanction my leave application. I was asking some staff teachers to find whereabouts of my class coordinator.

I came across this madame. I was going to ask her and she told me to wait for couple of seconds. Then she came back after five mins, then again she told me please wait for more five mins. I thought to leave her aside and asked another madam. I don't think I will think to talk with her again.

I don't like such people who give you false hope without thinking its consequences.

 

[DharmaGirl]

MMMmm??? I could have throttled her. I still don't like people who wear too much lilac :laugh: ??? We didn't last long together :meh:

Lol! My T says things like-I know how to match colors, but I don't have to cuz I'm a guy. What? Being a guy doesn't mean you aren't an asshole, or that you can get away with it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I think I put too much hope in getting better, and the whole theraputic process. When I started therapy, he assured me that I would be able to go back to my old job - ER nurse - with no problems. I had to quit because my back surgery didn't fix my pain. About 6 months in, I read the surgeon's chart notes to him and he never said I would go back to my old job again. He thought my pain was psychological, but was assuring me it was "real". He now says that I should get an eval on my back before I go back to work. He is supposed to have 26 years of trauma experience. Hmmm, is that giving tauma, or being theraputic?