My T Thinks Therapy Is Making Me Worse

[scout86]

I know this sounds really childish but never in my life have I had anyone who didn't betray, abuse or abandon me

Doesn't sound childish at all, it sounds very familiar. How about this? When I find someone I think I can really trust (which has happened a couple of times) they DIE. Part of me realizes this is more than likely just bad luck. Part of me is totally convinced it's somehow my fault. (Yeah, the more rational part knows that's nuts!) I mentioned this to my T last spring, after the suicide of a close friend (who had promised nothing bad was going to happen to HIM!) and told my T I was giving him the chance to bail, for his own good. He laughed and said that "nothing bad was going to happen to HIM". I hate it when people make promises that they can't keep!

I think trying to find humor in all this is a good idea. My favorite Abraham Lincoln quote is "I laugh else I must surely cry."

I think your T really might be close to being over his head, feeling that way, feeling frustrated with his own abilities, etc. Makes perfect sense. I'm not convinced that, by itself, means you can't work through things. If he's going to improve as a therapist, he has to learn SOMEHOW. He's not going to learn by running and hiding, he's going to learn by confronting his limitations and learning. For all your struggles with this stuff, you sound to me like you have a lot of courage and the willingness to try to look honestly at yourself and your situation. (Not saying it's easy, just that you seem willing to face things head on when needed.) I'd be tempted to try discussing your concerns with him, throw it all out there, one more time before you give up on him. But that's the way I see it. He's the one who needs to update his skill set and YOU would be giving up on HIS ability/willingness to do it and would be moving on for your own good. (Which is one of those "being smart enough to look out for yourself" things we need to learn to do, right?

My T has "messed up" a couple of times, I think. In one of our first conversations, he more or less outlined how he normally does what he does. He didn't know me at all at that point. Normally, I think that would have been the thing to do. There is some part of my brain that is SO defensive, that, once it knew the game plan, kind of shut down and said, "Nope, no way, not going there!" and now there are a lot of things I'm really gun shy about, because I "know" where he's going. He seemed to regroup. We spent a lot of time talking about non-threatening stuff. Then he said something that unexpectedly, weirdly, triggered me, big time. We talked about that too. Backed up and talked about the weather a lot again. I'm processing all this by comparing it to me, working with a "problem" horse. Now and then, I'd "screw up" and do something that scared them too. I never MEANT to, but it happens. It's not the end of the world. If you handle it right, it's a chance to build trust. You show them, "Hey scary stuff happens, I make mistakes, you make mistakes, we work through it. The world does NOT come to an end as a result."

My T told me awhile back, "Running out of the room isn't a problem. As long as you, at some point, come back."

I guess what I'm trying to say is something like 1) This isn't your fault. Fault probably isn't even a relevant idea here. 2) It doesn't mean you're never going to make progress. 3) It might not even mean you won't make progress with this T. I think, though, that BOTH of you (not just you) have to be willing to confront things openly and honestly, and deal with what ever issues there are to deal with, for BOTH of you. 'cause I have some concerns about HIM. What's going on with YOU, I think, is pretty "normal" for a person with PTSD. You're supposed to be able to count on him. HE is not supposed to need to depend on YOU (to avoid topics or what ever). If that's the case, he needs his own T, if he doesn't have one. (Sometimes they do, you know.)

 

[Jane.l]

@scout86 I know he has had therapy maybe I should suggest he goes back ;)

Yes I think I need to try and talk some of this out with him but it's hurting a bit too much right now , I find talking about anything that effects me emotionally (which is not much !) very very difficult to talk about in person I tend to zone off into his paintwork and not come back but he gets frustrated when I have to use email to communicate - if it gets the information to him I don't see why it's such a problem - something else to talk about !

I like your idea of turning it round and it being me giving up on him - that sounds better

Weirdly I am in a very positive mood today - this will amuse you - ages a go in an impulsive moment I enrolled in a basic counselling skills course - it starts tomorrow !! Yesterday I was thinking I wouldn't go - today yay I can do anything , maybe I will learn how our T's tick and what goes on in their strange minds :roflmao:

At the moment I am planning on getting an assessment with the clinical T getting his take on things and then make a decision about what would work best I hope I can sort out my stability issues and get things back on course with my old T but going to let the dust settle.

I am sorry you lost your friend - I am glad there is a part of you that realises blaming yourself is nuts - why do we do that when everything points the other way we still let that sneaky little doubt creep in however much we know it's total bull .

Thanks for your support I really appreciate it .

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry @Jane.l have only a minute, am glad you are feeling a little better. :tup: :hug:

You know, I was thinking one thing that is true are trauma survivors are the easiest people to assist, in that we frequently are grateful for less, blame ourselves, & compare normal things to the intensities & losses of trauma. Even judge sometimes less.

Some things are basic courtesy & respect. We tolerate less than most. Most people would say 'why'?

Hugs for you. :hug:

 

[Friday]

I'm a little cranky right now... So I may well not hit post (if you're reading this, caveat emptor).

This guy is completely ticking me off.

First... He fires you by email, no no no, back up. First he tries to weasel out of a proper transition by refusing to book you, them he fires you by email instead of facilitating a transfer to a more competent therapist, and lastly puts you in a mindf*ck by doing so in a way that makes it seem like it's your fault. That therapy is making you words. :Roll Eyes: Not that he's out of his depth. No, no. His ego is so much that if he can't help you, clearly it's you, not him.

And why they heck should his clients be worried about his triggers, and his past history, and ... Yuck.

This guy is on my short list.

I'm glad he's helped you in the past, but his personal issues and towering ego, should not be your burden to carry. Holy smokes. Talk about mismanaged and badly handled. 100% on his part.

I'm steaming. Blaming yourself for his mispractice and incompetence. Grrrr. Easier said than done... But don't.

 

[ghotiff]

@FridayJones I agree with you. His ego is not allowing him to own up to his inadequacies. This is very unprofessional for a T.

@Jane.l Take what was good and move on to someone new and better for you. You deserve better.

 

[Jane.l]

@FridayJones and @ghotiff thank you for your posts - I have to say I have wondered over the time I have been working with him if he does have some rather narcissistic qualities - but then decided that was me being ultra sensitive.

Today I am looking at it in that he knows exactly what that email will have done to me - he hasn't checked I am ok - he clearly doesn't give a flying f**k and as intensely painful as that is I need to suck it up and move on.

Thanks for your posts I was just chickening out of making an appointment with this new T - but I think I will just do it - I am a bag of nerves and anxiety

 

[greenleaf]

@Jane.l I am very glad you will just go and make the appointment! You can let us know how every step is going, we are totally behind you. Forward!

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @greenleaf I have emailed and asked for an appointment - but feel very panicky :(

I think this is partly due to the fact that my 'state' or whatever changes so much that whatever I think feel today, I could be thinking/feeling the opposite tomorrow - I feel I have lost self confidence on making any decisions but I just have to go with whatever my reality is today I guess - what else can I do? Really messes with my anxiety though - must remember to keep breathing !

 

[Friday]

@FridayJones and @ghotiff
Today I am looking at it in that he knows exactly what that email will have done to me - he hasn't checked I am ok - he clearly doesn't give a flying f**k and as intensely painful as that is I need to suck it up and move on.

Strength on tap.

One thing to keep in mind, is not confuse incompetence and unprofessionalism with uncaring. I have a phenomenal GP. He's absolutely extraordinary. In no small part, because he has no ego in his limitations. If he can treat me, awesome. If he's at all questionable? He refers me to a specialist. I've come to find this to be a rare trait. While I'm furious with your counselor, for not helping you to find the best available resources for your next phase, it sounds as if they really were helpful to you during your last phase. You've simply outgrown them, and they're too pigheaded to see that. So their own issues are getting in the way of your treatment. Just one more sign it's time and past for you to graduate/move on... But I'd hate for you to lose what you've gained back when they could meet your needs. Most kindergarten* and primary teachers adore their students, but they don't try to keep them all the way to highschool graduation! It would be incompetent and unprofessional. No matter how excellent they were in primary. Or even the first few grades past, at a certain point, their education and experience is no longer what their students need. No matter how excellent they are in primary, nor how much they adore their students. There is a time to move on. As it should be.

Congratulations, by the by... For graduating into the next phase

_______

* All parallels break down eventually, but I did want to say that in this case there are both teachers and counselors who excel at all stages. Even there, though, there is a time to move on. But most, in both cases, excel in certain areas only. This isn't the fault of the student/client or teacher/counselor. It's just life. My anger is in your counselor's ego in not recognizing either his limitations or your needs, and the awkward position that's put you in. Proud of you for not getting swept up in his stuff. Unless you want to charge him by the hour ;)

 

[Jane.l]

@FridayJones :sneaky: Maybe I should offer him a session.

Yes you are right - I tend to do black and white thinking - he cares or doesn't care - which I have found confusing because in someways he shows he does, he goes with all my out of the box suggestions, he always gives me longer sessions - but then he doesn't return my emails even if he asked me to write them and doesn't seem to want to listen to some of my problems. So maybe that is the wrong way to look at it.

My only close friend has been saying for ages that he's in way over his head - I have even said to him if he doesn't want to continue or feels I have burnt him out or whatever then I would rather he said - well I suppose he is telling me now but not in a very honest way.

Some of me what's to really point out the problems I have with what has happened - part of me just wants to never see him again and other bit wants to patch things up and still work with him on some things just not the bits he's not so good at.

One day at a time :(

 

[scout86]

If you step back and look at this whole episode objectively, I think you'll find you did pretty well. You were confronted with a situation that was practically custom made to be challenging. Your T turned out to be part of the problem, not that the solution. You faced all that, sought advice, listened, thought, made choices..... I'd say, regardless of how shaken you might feel right now, you've done well. More than likely you've done better than you would have, pre-therapy. But,besure you give YOURSELF plenty of credit for that. I think @FridayJones is right, time to move on. (Did I miss something? He fired you by email????? That's a pretty chicken hearted thing to do!)

Let us know how things go with the new person. We are all definitely pulling for you!

 

[Jane.l]

Thank you @scout86 I have an appointment Friday morning - scary ! You are right I have handled it way better than I would have done pre therapy but part of me still wants to sort things out with him - it's hard

On a positive note just completed my first 'lesson' in basic counselling skills - with a load of strangers - made a few friends and managed not to have a panic attack - though got a bit close for comfort ! Not sure I learnt a huge amount have a horrible feeling over the course of PTSD I have learnt more than the humourless teacher ;)

Thanks again to all you lovely people knowing you are behind me is really helping :hug: