My therapist’s reaction to a timeline really hurt

[barefoot]

@HollyBeans27 - I can sort of understand why I popped into your head with this thread...for no other reason apart from that often when I read @Justmehere's threads about her therapy process/therapist they resonate so much with me! I will often read it and feel like it could be me writing about myself. Not sure I have anything really useful to add here though.

I guess these bits stood out to me:

It strikes me that she is advocating for you to accept is as being complicated. You do not want to accept it as unique or complicated because that interferes with come core coping strategies connected to minimization.

I agree that it sounds like this. That your T's response has somehow rattled the core beliefs you hold around protecting yourself from the truth of what happened? You sound...panicked...?

Nothing we talked about was new. I just drew the line to connect it all. And I freaked. Myself. Out.

Yeah...sounds like you had a shock! And I think you've hit the nail on the head there - you freaked yourself out. And she was there, in the room, in relationship with you, in the conversation, saying things to you, so she gets caught up in this stuff too. But I'm not sure how much of what you're going through at the moment is really about her and what she said? It sounds like it's more that you've slammed into hard reality like a brick wall: you've suddenly joined some dots; it suddenly all feels big and clear when you've made it not be those things for all this time; you're in shock; you're processing all this stuff that you know isn't new but suddenly feels so not like before; it's shaken you and you're freaking out...

I do not have complex trauma. I have a series of unfortunate events that could have happened to anyone and I shouldn't be fussing about it. They have people much more traumatized than I am to work with. It's a total insult to imply it's complex, because in my ass backwards brain it means it is complex because i couldn't handle it -- not because the traumas were more than what most people face.

I'm so with you on this!

Anyway @Justmehere I wanted to reply because I'd been tagged and because I have been reading along this thread feeling an urge to contribute something but not really sure what I had to input. So, not sure if I have been useful or not. And I think I'm the last person to offer any useful insight into therapeutic relationships when mine still boggles the shit out of my mind as much as it does! My T and I are in a really good place at the moment and have been for a while...but I still have no clue what the f*ck is going on with it most of the time! I'm amazed that I keep going back at all. And yet I do. As do you...

 

[Freida]

My T and I are in a really good place at the moment and have been for a while...but I still have no clue what the f*ck is going on with it most of the time! I'm amazed that I keep going back at all. And yet I do. As do you...

yep!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yeah...sounds like you had a shock! And I think you've hit the nail on the head there - you freaked yourself out. And she was there, in the room, in relationship with you, in the conversation, saying things to you, so she gets caught up in this stuff too. But I'm not sure how much of what you're going through at the moment is really about her and what she said? It sounds like it's more that you've slammed into hard reality like a brick wall: you've suddenly joined some dots; it suddenly all feels big and clear when you've made it not be those things for all this time; you're in shock; you're processing all this stuff that you know isn't new but suddenly feels so not like before; it's shaken you and you're freaking out...

I think my feelings, reactions and fears stem 99% from others' actions/ the past.

 

[Tinyflame]

I should add this, on further thought: the negative ones ^^^ (only). I learned about Trauma Re-enactments in trying to overcome self-harm, and after a few years of awareness (and practise) , I remained vigilant towards preventing them (and ended the self harm). And I never (willingly) got involved in or remained in abusive 1-on-1 relationships again. Had 'blips', but much better.

I swore the past wouldn't steal that away from me, too. It was going to be all relationships in the 'now', or nothing. No one could 're-do' my past, and positive similarities too didn't doom me to re-enact it out. But it had to be up to me.

Good luck @Justmehere . This stuff isn't for the faint-of-heart. ?

Not sure if I should say this for clarity? By example, if someone is not punitive, I don't feel badly they're not, but I might feel badly they should be/ am a burden. But the cause is self-inflicted (my onus) , not because I wonder if they're grooming (their onus).

 

[Justmehere]

I saw my therapist again. I’m baffled. It didn’t feel ok.

I eventually brought up the matter and she had 57 questions as to why a response to my trauma of emphasizing the complexity of it, and that’s about it, would feel terrible. She kept asking what doe sot mean to me and I explained a lot and I kept saying I don’t understand stand why she means by it, and kept asking if she could explain. She was extremely evasive on it.

I eventually explained with an example. If a friend tells me they have been through horrible trauma, my first and primary response isn’t “that’s complicated.” I mean that might be in the mix, but that’s not the firt and primary response I emphasize over and over to them.

Only then did she explain what she meant, and that it was to say it had an impact on her just “how bad it was what they did to you.”

I mean. Ok.

Fine.

I told her I wanted reassurance and that is not something she was willing to give. So ya know. This is a trauma I’ve been really badly publically humilated about and have never found support around, despite the perp being convicted to many years in jail, and now my therapist’s response Is the-weight-of-it-had-an-impact-on-me-for-its-complexity.

I told her I feel shame and I’m battling sucidial thoughts and she told me to describe how I felt in my body and to sit in the shame more. Which fits her model of treatment, I guess, but I don’t think this fits what I need.

I asked about working on the fear of success or the shame and to both, it was all about let’s sit with it and let it get bigger to make it go away. Which right now, doesn’t make sense anymore. It did.

Damn it.

I’m thinking of quitting. Taking a break. I don’t really know how to keep doing this anymore. I think the therapeutic alliance left the room. I’m in a bad spot again just like last week, only I don’t see the point reaching out to her. She’ll just give input that won’t work to sit and be curious about shame that is fueling a ton of sucidial thinking. I wish I hadn’t told her.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if this is helpful @Justmehere , but compassion (to me) is more about understanding the impact it had on you.

I was just saying to someone, someone here mentioned Compassion-Focused Therapy or something like that. I didn't get far googling, but I remember the creator of it giving an example: a girl (keeps?, I can't recall if I added that in?) coming in to the hospital scrubbing herself with bleach. He said, people think compassion is, ~poor girl, she keeps scrubbing herself off with bleach. But compassion really is, poor girl, imagine what she went through to feel so dirty that she feels she needs to scrub herself off with bleach. (And I might add- and it's still not enough). I think the same thing applies to SI, etc. Sitting in shame? No, you know how you feel, and distress tolerance is not the antidote to shame.

Hugs @Justmehere .

 

[scout86]

it was all about let’s sit with it and let it get bigger to make it go away. Which right now, doesn’t make sense anymore. It did.

For what it's worth (probably not much!) I can't imagine how that's helpful. Probably says more about my lack of ability to imagine, but don't feel alone.

I told her I wanted reassurance and that is not something she was willing to give.

Stupid question. What do you want reassurance about? (I'm also wondering why she's not willing to give it. Do you know?)

 

[barefoot]

Sitting with shame and actively trying to make it feel even bigger doesn’t sound useful to me either. I know sitting with feelings/self-limiting beliefs etc and making them as huge as they can be is a technique used by lots of therapists and coaches as a way to then make them lose their power but it’s never really made sense to me and it’s not something I find helpful.

I also think deliberately exacerbating shame when it’s leading to SI/SH sounds potentially dangerous.

What reassurance were you wanting her to give you? And did she say she wasn’t willing to give you reassurance or did you reach that conclusion because she didn’t respond in the way you were wanting/hoping so you took that to mean she was unwilling?

I wonder if you are somehow both finding the other a bit baffling at the moment. I know that sometimes happens to me and my T. That I say something that I think couldn’t be clearer and she looks frowny and baffled and then says something that sort of misses something and then I try to explain again (again thinking this is so straightforward and I don’t know how I could be any clearer) And she still seems baffled. And then I feel baffled by how she is feeling baffled. And I go home thinking, what was that, what a waste of time, she didn’t seem to get me at all today, what’s going on, what’s going wrong etc etc.

It sounds like you and her may be having one of those “missing each other” times at the moment? Which is hard. We always come back from ours but I don’t know that we ever really clarify and resolve the “bafflement gaps” that occurred...we just end up moving past them rather than managing to understand and get on the same page with them together, I think. And I find that odd but fine because the things we have had a miss on haven’t ultimately been huge deals.

Sounds like this issue that you’ve been sharing with her is a huge deal for you though, so I understand your drive to get what you need from her on it.

When do you see her next?

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Justmehere - there were some typos in my other response to this thread, and I can’t seem to edit them. I’m usually very good at proofreading because I use voice to text, so hopefully there won’t be any in this one!

At any rate, two very specific things stuck out to me in your latest post:

1. The fact that you feel like the “therapeutic alliance left the room” is quite concerning, and something that should be addressed ASAP. I am sure you know, realize, and can appreciate that the therapeutic alliance is essential to move forward with the relationship in any way. The components of the alliance (trust, safety, honesty, etc) need to be present at all times for therapy to be effective. Therefore, I would ask if you feel comfortable/able to discuss how/why you feel like the therapeutic relationship is different/potentially damaged? Additionally, do you feel like her current approach and where you are in your healing process/journey can allow for repair if desired?
2. Your desire to quit and/or take a break stands out because you have said that you don’t want a new therapist. I hear you and completely respect that. Taking a break may allow you to gain perspective about what changed in your relationship with your therapist and provide an opportunity without pressure to think about what you want out of therapy. I would really consider whether not you can manage your symptoms and:or life in general without any therapeutic support. Also, pausing or terminating therapy is a process in itself especially if you and your therapist have different opinions on the matter. Do you feel able to begin that type of discussion and explain your reasoning for whatever decision you make? Can you stand up for yourself/keep your ground if she becomes resistant and/or defensive about you leaving therapy? Ideally, if she is a good therapist as you say, she will voice her concerns but ultimately respect your final decision. Relational style therapy is likely to bring up feelings surrounding termination or taking a break. Having tools to manage whatever comes up during that process is essential to ensuring that you don’t slide backwards. I strongly encourage you to start a discussion if you decide to take a break or terminate therapy rather than just ending without a discussion; doing so can, and likely will, result in unresolved emotions that will surface in the future (speaking from experience).

I recognize and appreciate how difficult, and sometimes unexpected, this part of the process can be. The most important thing for you to know right now is that whatever you decide to do is your decision and no one else’s; you don’t have to defend anything. I also want you to know that you are not alone. The entire therapeutic process is difficult; if the stuff was easy, we wouldn’t need therapy. Be kind and compassionate to yourself!

 

[Justmehere]

We didn’t schedule any other appointments. We usually do at the end of the session, but we both forgot.

So unless I do something to reach out and schedule, there isn’t anything to even cancel.

In a nutshell, her reaction to my timeline hurt, and her plan to treat it doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t know what else to say.

I have listed things I’d like to ask about it, like is xyz my responsibility/fault about it, etc. Kind of the normal stuff people seem to ask after trauma actually, but I can’t quite settle for myself because you know, it’s complicated.

Even trying to say those questions and doubts are on my mind... that leads to her being.... well it feels dismissive. Or I get asked so many questions I feel overwhelmed or like I’m on trial.

She does a form of somatic experiencing and exposure therapy work, and other therapies with transference, and had s smattering of other skill sets, so I think her goal is to help my body somatically work through the shame and to desensitize me to it.... so I think she’s trying to do prolonged exposure therapy with shame? I don’t actually know, and her explainations seem as clear as mud to me. She did say this last time that she forgets sometimes I need things explained because I can talk at a high level, and so she assumes I already get it.

But exposure work or somatic experiencing with shame? I dunno.

Perhaps we’ve done what we can do on this.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Do you have a desire to reach out and schedule another appointment, or is this your opportunity that presented itself to take the break you were considering? The list of questions seems productive and potentially useful, possibly as a start for a closure session?

 

[Justmehere]

I don’t understand why we can’t have the conversation about how does this affect how she sees me and my case other than it’s a complicated case. I don’t understand why we can’t talk about what I wish I could have done differently. I don’t understand why we can’t talk about how to be sure it I do what is in my power to prevent it from happening again. I don’t understand why we can’t talk about the shame, and how to cope with it, except for excercise to the point of it almost being wayyyy too much.

She commented how much people in her profession haven’t handled it well and yet... it’s like the normal conversation about trauma is off limits with her too and it’s just such a cluster.