My Therapist “broke” Me

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R Even with my tools and skills that I have learned over the last two years, it is really hard. Today, I keep thinking I should quit trauma work. Even though she says that safety nets are still in place, I don’t feel it. I feel abandoned (she just left for another week off). My confidence from yesterday has worn down. I know that I can still write her, but she won’t respond until I see her, so what’s the point. I do believe she will come back now, unless she dies, but I don’t know if I trust the care. I think she has too much faith in my ability to handle doing this stuff on my own.

 

[Wendell_R]

I know this a big step for you! I also know it's hard.

Last year my therapist invited me to take a stuffed animal from a shelf. I did so, but that evening terrors washed over me and I felt like I was being hit endlessly. I remember her telling me how good my coping skills were, and I didn't really believe it. But now I've made it through unexpected three week breaks when she got sick. I still have my moments of feeling down, but now the coping skills take me farther and I can return to a calm place. So I guess that's my way of saying it can get better. If there are parts of you that need care, you can imagine taking them some place safe while your other parts rest & take care of themselves.

Remind yourself that you are not abandoned here, or with your support friends, or by your therapist.

You can imagine when you are doing your coping skills that your friends here are right along side you, doing the same thing.

 

[hithere]

. It’s all too much.

Sometimes it really is all too much.

 

[Skywatcher]

Saw my p-doc yesterday and I put my well-being into his hands and said I have decided to do whatever he suggests and trust him. I had been fighting using a full dose of trileptal out of fear. He told me that once I feel no panic or anxiety throughout my day I am where I should be. He said that if I still have the sad feelings with the anxiety gone, then we can address those. He said that he needs my anxiety to be stable. That getting through the day without a panic attack is not living. Enjoying life is living. So, we will see. Trying to remain hopeful.

 

[Wendell_R]

I have decided to do whatever he suggests and trust him

This is good. Of learning to trust someone who cares about you and to keep moving forward. Take care--I am thinking about you and wish you well.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wendell_R thank you for your continued support and comments. It really helps me. The calming anxiety does help a bit. I have been reading a bunch on transference with your T which as @Justmehere and others have pointed out, is the biggest thing going on here.

 

[Wendell_R]

Yes, transference makes our brains turn "absence" into "abandonment"!

Sharing your worries with your therapist and not keeping it a secret are big steps in dealing with transference. Making it through this issue was one of those really big & hard steps for me in therapy. But it was worth it, because now I can see how my therapist cares for me and I can trust her, even if she is away and even if she can't love me the same as a wished-for mother. You'll get there!

 

[Skywatcher]

So the saga continues... my T is on her vacation. We have no contact. First time ever, though I can write her and I have a therapist to see on Wednesday. I don’t like this throw me in the water learn to swim approach. I wish she had been willing to work in something to help with my separation anxiety. I think that she had some counter transference going on and decided just to put in her boundary and start it on the 14 day plan rather than try a 7 day approach or listen to my needs. I have never done no contact for more than 8 days with her for 1.5 years.

It is day 6. I see a substitute T on Wednesday.

So, today I had a steady increase of anxiety. Triggered in the morning by a text from my mom. Shot my anxiety to a 7. Calmed down to 3, but then it started growing. Went home for lunch and anxiety was back at a 7. Did my emdr ap to calm down, but the anxiety just kept increasing. Then I decided to try a nap. I closed my eyes and saw two year old me hugging the hip of a woman in a long skirt. Then someone took my hand and pulled me away. I felt terrified and afraid that I have no idea when or if I will see her again. I cling to my blanket and wanted to suck my thumb. The flashback was full of feelings that I hate so much. After it was over and I convinced myself to pull into the present, followed by some breathing, my anxiety was back down to a 3. All of that excess skin crawl feeling was gone, though my typical leg shake was still happening.

I’m kind of upset with my T.

 

[Wendell_R]

It is day 6.

Oh, the number of times that I've done the daily countdown for some painful period to pass! You are six days in, so 8 to go. You've done 8 before, so you can do this.

Then I decided to try a nap.

Naps always seems like a great idea to me at the time. But then half the time the anxiety/fears get worse than better. And I, too, get dreams that unsettle me.

Two anxiety spikes sounds tough. And feeling like you're on your own trying to get through it is tough, too. The good news is that twice you brought the anxiety down, and you did this by yourself. Can you write down what worked today, as in what you did to pull into the present, and what breathing exercises you did? Can you take what worked and focus on trying those things more?

(((hugs))) if accepted. Hang in there!

 

[Skywatcher]

Should I quit trauma therapy?

 

[Justmehere]

Have you written out the pros and cons of staying in therapy vs. quitting?

 

[Skywatcher]

@Justmehere
I keep running into cons of quitting because when I wasn’t in therapy and the ptsd hit no matter what I tried it wouldn’t go away. I have gotten stronger on some things and have so many tools that I learned in therapy, but currently I am upset with how my T handled this recent transference stuff and I’m afraid that if I assert myself she will get even more annoyed with me, so my thoughts are, do I just let it go? do I switch T’s or heavily medicate and quit. Or only use mine for emdr which she does so well, and add a new one which I will still probably have transference with. My younger parts jump into that without me even knowing until it is too late. I’m thinking of running this stuff by the psychologist I meet tomorrow. I’m not supposed to go through an assessment, she is just there to help me deal with my emotions on this T vacation.