My Therapist Doesn't Think This Is Dissociation

[WillowMarie]

(Please move if fits better in a different section, please)

So I am a bit confused. My therapist was telling me that what I do isn't dissociation, it is blocking my emotions. She said that the foggy feeling I get is from holding back and pushing the emotions away, not because I am dissociated. I am so confused because I thought what I was feeling was dissociation. So I guess the many things I experience like a foggy head, not being able to think or recall things, sometimes I feel myself being sucked towards my back like not being normally in my body, feeling detached from my surroundings, everything feeling a little fuzzy.

And when I have run-ins with people at work that are easily irritated people that like to argue, I go into panic mode easily and have anxiety, and my brain shuts down, I have trouble responded because I can't think straight and my brain is like mush. She was saying that this is just normal feelings, normal anxiety that can cause me not to think straight. (Not that my reaction is normal though, I think)

She was also telling me I just need to let myself cry no matter what, just let it out, and that I will find myself feeling much better. Which crying in front of others is a goal for me and has always been hard. But I am just scared that once I start letting it out, it won't stop and that I will be unstable and not know how to handle it.

I did get myself to that point of letting it out during this past spring. I was crying very often, and things would hit me over and over again. I would be getting upset over smaller things than normally, probably because I was able to block out a lot before. I was a lot more irritable and starting to snap at people more. My memories were coming back more frequent and I could visualize them much more vividly, where now it is like a distant memory that is hard to picture or imagine/hear.

I have shut down again since then.

So my therapist wants me to just let it out wherever I am (in her office, at work, ect.), but my fear is that it won't stop and I won't be able to communicate because I will be crying so hard if I do this. I have been having day dreams of freaking out at work, or crying hysterically, and am trying to remember coping skills which is super hard for me in the moment. I imagine an associate coming over and asking if I am okay and comforting me. But I shared this last time with her when I was having a fear of flashbacks/memories happening at work during aggressive situations, but reminded myself that I always imagined someone coming to comfort me, so that I shouldn't be worried because others cared about me and would try to help.

But she told me I shouldn't be relying on others which I am confused on. I have her telling me that I have to deal with it on my own and I shouldn't look to others for help, that I need to be strong for myself, but I have had everyone else tell me I need to learn to let others in and ask for support because I am so used to doing things on my own and only relying on myself...

So I am confused. I tend to always go back and forth on trusting people, so I am trying to remind myself of the good qualities she has, like she takes me seriously. As time goes on, I am wondering more and more whether she is the right one for me, but I don't know if it is just me and that I want to push her away.

 

[greenleaf]

It definitely fits some definitions of dissociation; you could ask which one she is using. It's a spectrum of things.

The Free Dictionary online says for dissociation:
3. Psychiatry A psychological defense mechanism in which specific, anxiety-provoking thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations are separated from the rest of the psyche.

Numbing is specifically mentioned under dissociation on the ISSD FAQ for dissociation (under the heading "What is dissociation?", as one of the hallmarks of PTSD. ISSD is "International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation".

This was just from a quick Google search...

Maybe this therapist doesn't have a lot of training or experience with trauma? She might have good qualities but lack some understanding - just my gut reaction to your post. I'm glad you're looking at her good qualities and thinking carefully about it. Could you research and find a therapist with more definite trauma treatment focus?

I'm very familiar with the mushbrain feeling. I think exercise is the fastest way for me to help it a bit.

 

[franciemarnie]

I wonder what she thinks dissociation is. Could you ask her? Not that she is God, but maybe she could clarify her distinctions.

Time will tell if she is right for you.

 

[greenleaf]

Another thing occurred to me from reading your post; might your therapist be saying your anxiety and response to it are normal feelings, because you get somewhat scared of the anxiety itself? I'm asking because I used to get very freaked out by just feeling angry, as it didn't use to be safe to do so. Strong emotions with no support and no safety are really terrible for children. I've been reading that that's part of why we start dissociating the emotions. So, not being scared of the emotions, is a good but difficult thing to work on sometimes.

So, when you say she's calling some of what you're feeling "normal", it could be that she doesn't want you to have to deal with fear of the emotions, when the emotions themselves are hard enough on their own. (Also I think the fear of them can keep me from feeling the original emotion and attempting to resolve it.) Can you ask her which level she is talking about?

 

[Abstract]

Greenleaf may be onto something and I was wondering along similar lines.

Could she possibly think that fear of dissociation is heightening your anxiety? Do you think she is trying to make you less phobic of your emotions and feel more powerful over them?

Is it specifically the lack of being able to think and the emotional numbing that she said wasn't dissociation or was she including the other experiences that you mention? That sounds wrong to me as these do sound like dissociation. They aren't dissociative trance and they are not you floating outside your body and some would describe them as "normal" dissociation but they do sound like dissociation to me. I'm not sure about letting out emotions at work either to be honest.:wideeyed:

At a guess what do you think she is trying to push you towards?

 

[scout86]

Does it matter what you call it? It's a problem anyway, right? She's not saying it's not an issue and she is giving you some ideas of things to work on. (Although I kind of wonder how practical some of them are, in the real world. Personally, pigs will fly before I "practice" crying in front of people! :eek:)

I guess my thought is "a name is a name", it's dealing with the problem that matters.

 

[WillowMarie]

It definitely fits some definitions of dissociation; you could ask which one she is using. It's a spectrum of things.

I will ask next time. She is a trauma specialist and the best I have ever had, but the other ones were not very good, lol...

Another thing occurred to me from reading your post; might your therapist be saying your anxiety and response to it are normal feelings, because you get somewhat scared of the anxiety itself?

That makes sense, I guess. But I am not sure if she meant it like that. She was saying one time, about my response that I start trembling around angry people, that maybe it is just adrenaline and that it is not because I was scared or something like that. Something about when I start feeling myself tremble, maybe that is when I start feeling scared/anxious.

My therapist also asked me how much I trust myself in regards to feeling, and I replied not at all.. It is really scary for me and no one is able to help me through it, so it is a very scary thing for me, something I have always had to deal with on my own. Plus it doesn't help that most people want to medicate me/not deal with me if I let my guard down because I have so many emotions that start happening when I am not ignoring them and am very sensitive/reactive to things.

Which makes me freak out even worse.

Could she possibly think that fear of dissociation is heightening your anxiety? Do you think she is trying to make you less phobic of your emotions and feel more powerful over them?

I do not fear dissociation most of the time. It is the fear of feeling and what will come with it that scares the crap out of me. If it is her way of trying to make me less phobic over my emotions, it is not working that way. It is kind of giving me the impression that she isn't taking me seriously.

The other week, she was saying something about how she thought my dad wasn't my main trauma and was asking when I first remember dissociating. I know definitely the whole not feeling real/detached from everything was for sure happening in high school. and then after the appointment, I remember times during 8th grade and whatnot. But the hard thing is, is that I don't have a lot of memory before 7/8th grade, so who knows? I did point out to her how my diary from 7th grade had entries about my dad and what he would yell at me for/arguments we had and that I had put question marks after things he said, or write "I think", and pointed out this may mean I had trouble recalling what had happened which can happen with dissociation.

I have memories of being very young and knowing I didn't want to cry in front of other and holding it in. I don't really remember very much to know if it was a dissociative thing, since I do not recall details of those times, just the main themes/what was happening.

I almost feel like when she was saying she didn't think my dad was my main trauma that I need to just get over everything, that it wasn't that bad.

Is it specifically the lack of being able to think and the emotional numbing that she said wasn't dissociation or was she including the other experiences that you mention?

I think she meant my reactions to things when I feel panicked when faced with someone who is angry/irritable. I feel panicked, start trembling, my mind turns to mush and it is very hard to think.I don't know though because I think she said "I don't think you are dissociating." Which could mean all instances, that's how my brain took it in the moment.. But now that I think about it, yes, dissociating at all because she was saying that my trying to hold the emotions back is what I am confusing with dissociating.

There are different times though because especially in her office, I think my body feels safer and I feel more emotions and it is scary and I try to hold back or distract myself so I don't start crying. But outside of the office, I will dissociate more naturally, if that makes sense. I stay more numb. Maybe I should explain that to her because she may just be seeing that side of me where I am spending a lot of energy trying to stop it. Thank you for asking that question because it made me think of that.

They aren't dissociative trance and they are not you floating outside your body

What is dissociative trance? She did mention a few appointments ago that it looked like I was in a trance and I needed to work on looking around the room more. I don't know if it is the same as a dissocaitve trance though. During the appointment, I was having strong feelings to cry and was distracting myself, and then I fell into old habits when I was zoning out and felt like I couldn't move because my body was heavy. I was having a really hard time concentrating on what she was saying or answering her questions because my mind was so blank. I was trying to repeat her questions in my head, but it was like I was having trouble comprehending them, even though it was normal words that weren't hard to understand. I felt like I was moving and talking slowly. I realized that at one point I did the, You know when you, instead of saying I statements which I know is a way to detach from things. I remember hearing it and finding it amusing I was doing that, but almost felt like it wasn't really me talking.

At a guess what do you think she is trying to push you towards?

Being okay with feeling and letting it out. Not being scared. Just doing it. Not holding back. But I am terrified.

 

[Justmehere]

Sounds like dissociation to me, but I am not a T. Dissociation is just one of many ways to push away being vulnerable and feeling difficult feelings and avoiding sharing them. I find that to be absolutely terrifying as well and sometimes I will feel the same things you describe. My T pushes me in the same direction too. She said learning to let go is a process. It's hard for me to really trust that it's ok to share my emotions with her and be vulnerable with her. She says it's a lot of little steps in learning to trust her more, sit with my own feelings and fear more, use more grounding skills, build up my comfort with her... and that dissociation is a way to avoid feeling that discomfort and those horrible emotions and fear from the trauma, and to avoid the feelings that come up when I am vulnerable with another person. Has she suggested anything to help you be more ok with feeling the feelings and let them out in therapy? (I am personally looking for any ideas myself!)

 

[Tinyflame]

I lot sounds like extreme anxiety too.

I'm not sure where the line is drawn. Lately I've noticed difficulty, I can't remember (think of memories) with or of certain people if asked to or if I try to, can't remember people's 'qualities'. Yesterday I called my toes the word 'fingers' and today I nearly spelt my first name wrong. :wideeyed: :eek: :confused: Granted it's only been this extreme on a few occassions but it's a scary feeling, and yet a sort of numbness (sort of) combined. I think your term @WillowMarie 'shut down' seems to really describe it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have been having day dreams of freaking out at work,

I did freak out at work and it wasn't the end of the world. I was a nurse care manager and I took a scalpel and carved my arms up, took 20 ocycodone - 2 at a time to try to get rid of the emotional pain and I called my friend who came and took me to a different hospital. I ended up on social security. I think it helped me realize how sick I was.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@WillowMarie, I'm 2 years out of work and ready to go back. I certainly won't work in the same hospital, but in the last 2 years I have learned so much about chronic pain, mental illness, compassion and myself, that I truly believe I will get a job I love.

 

[Powder]

I have called the fog dissociation. But maybe she's right, in that mine called it a form of "retraction of consciousness" like tunnel vision.

When some traumatic memories get played like tapes, sometimes (my T said) the dissociation experienced during the memory replay is actually part of the memory, not a present moment reaction to the memory; however, that is not clear to us experiencing it. There is no felt difference.

I thought retracting one's consciousness was the definition of dissociatioin and that there are different levels and types.

I agree I would ask her to define all this for you. :)

Great post, great question! Thanks for sharing!