My Therapist Doesn't Think This Is Dissociation

[shell]

Like you, I have major issues with emotions and stuffing them down.

I have a fear of fear, and a fear of emotions, it has really hindered my therapy, it took me years to even partially overcome it because of my anxiety .

Mindfulness has helped me to overcome the fear of crying when I am alone, but I won't cry in therapy but I do let myself experience emotions in therapy, although if I can feel the tears coming, I shut down, and I think that is a trust issue. I am still working on that one.

I still go through periods of feeling numb for days sometimes after therapy, but I am getting better at letting them out. Once I realised that I actually wasn't going to lose control, it became easier to let them out more often.

My fear of emotions was that I would be overwhelmed, and out of control.

The reality is I am more in control of my emotions than most people. If it were to get out of control I could shut it down completely because I actually have that ability to numb totally, many people don't. Thinking differently about my fear, gave me a feeling of control, so I can let myself experience it, more and more with confidence, knowing I am in control if something goes wrong. Practise is giving me more confidence and less fear.

Maybe one day I will have the confidence to trust myself to cry in therapy.

As for crying in public, now that's enough to make anyone phobic of emotions!

 

[WillowMarie]

I have called the fog dissociation. But maybe she's right, in that mine called it a form of "retraction of consciousness" like tunnel vision.

Thanks for sharing your experience.
Can you explain more about "retraction of consciousness" and what it means? I have not heard of that term before.

Thinking differently about my fear, gave me a feeling of control, so I can let myself experience it, more and more with confidence, knowing I am in control if something goes wrong. Practise is giving me more confidence and less fear.

That is a good way to look at it. Thanks.

 

[Raisin]

Your description sounds very like what I experience, almost every session in therapy. I am not able to connect with feelings or even images associated with my trauma without dissociating. My therapist has me rate my dissociation on a scale of 1-10 because I am always somewhere on the spectrum.

I can also relate to your fear of breaking down and being unable to stop crying. I feel as though if I "let go" I might never be able to pick up the pieces. I am especially terrified of this happening in public, because my trauma is very personal.

I hope you this helps you to feel less alone. There is nothing more terrifying to me than the idea of having to manage all my bottled up distress when finally I am able to let it out. If over time your therapist is not able to make you feel safe, you may need to seek out a different therapist.

 

[Hope4Now]

Maybe one day I will have the confidence to trust myself to cry in therapy.

Me too. I find I just shut down...can't cry in front of other people. Can't cry much by myself either, but once in a while I do. I share much of the same fear of falling apart/exploding/falling into never ending misery.

 

[Hashi]

my fear is that it won't stop and I won't be able to communicate because I will be crying so hard if I do this.

I am just scared that once I start letting it out, it won't stop and that I will be unstable and not know how to handle it.

I have her telling me that I have to deal with it on my own and I shouldn't look to others for help, that I need to be strong for myself,

How does she suggest you be strong in yourself? What particular exercises, skills and strategies does she recommend you use to stay stable and handle it?

 

[WillowMarie]

She reminds me to remember to do grounding techniques. And to let myself feel my emotions, not try to stop them. Keep journaling. Thought stopping if my mind is racing.

I haven't really found a middle ground yet. I either feel pretty numb, or I feel triggered/highly on edge and feel over whelmed and/or dissociative.

And if I start showing my emotions around home I have to deal with a mom who becomes over protective or scared and asking me if I should think about medication. But this is coming from a woman who doesn't almost ever get mad or show it. I think it frightens her if others are expressing themselves because she doesn't feel comfortable with it.

Even my brothers are like that. They give me scared looks or look disappointed/exasperated when I express mild irritation. One of my older brothers came by to drop something off and I was in my room. He knocked on my door and I said, yes? He knocked a couple more times and I had thought it was my younger brother who plays around some times and was being silly (he usually just opens up my door after I respond once), so I ask a bit louder, feeling a bit irritated, what?? He opened the door and I expressed my surprise it was him, that I thought it was our other brother. He seemed uneasy/uncomfortable/hesitant, and I know it was because I had raised my voice a bit when I asked, what?, before he opened the door. I hate getting looks like that. I tried to remind myself that maybe he was affected by dad and he was sensitive to loud voices, or voices that sounded annoyed, too.