My Therapist Got Emotional

[anni]

Wow. This is a really good discussion, thank you!

I do think everyone is different as to what is helpful, possibly, in the end. Maybe it's almost like a 'regular' relationhip, where the T mirrors the strenghths we're lacking, I can't tell. I do know that if my T had bee terribly emotional it would have felt rather unsettling-like we were not getting anywhere. Heck-I'm upset and tearful in there, what I'm not is angry. He WAS indignant and angry FOR me-I couldn't do that much. He wasn't fighteningly angry-of course that would have sent me under the chair catatonic, just plain, purely mad and indignant at the injustices I'd suffered and reallyyyy helped me be validated in that way. As stupid as it sounds, he had to teach me to be plan, old, normal mad so maybe I could get rid of some stuff. The mechanism is still pretty squished, but at least I can view it in some sort of detatched manner now, and acknowledge where the heck it should be.

It just seems to me that we're pretty reactive, re-wired and probably so traumatized by the time we get to a T that they have to feel around and 'see' where that patient might 'be'. There ARE awful T's out there, but some really amazing ones also, probably working terribly hard to make sense out of this incredibly inexact, complicated field. It's lovely when you find one you do trust like that, I know!

 

[Artista]

Jadebear, I think that is kinda what i was getting at... maybe you needed to see that it was that horrific from him. I think we have to feel it all to get past or through it. What your intuition says about it, is probably dead-on.

 

[Marlene]

He WAS indignant and angry FOR me-I couldn't do that much.

My therapist has done this for me on several occasions. That someone else would get angry or upset about something that happened to me...omg, it really made me look at it another way. The way of 'Wow...maybe this wasn't normal, maybe this wasn't supposed to happen and was wrong. Not just me making a big deal out of nothing'.

Seeing our therapist as human beings who are there to help us through a really rotten time is better, IMO, than seeing them as the all knowing, all seeing beings that they sometimes get seen as.

Lisa

 

[Lucycat]

This is a fascinating thread.

When I started seeing my T. I told him outright that I could not tell him stuff that I thought would upset him. I am aware of his family situation and was trying to protect him from my trauma. I was quickly, diplomatically and clearly put in my place!

He offloads anything he finds unnerving onto his prfessional supervisor. He leaves work at the door when he goes home. It is HIS place to decide what might upset him not mine ( and he has never shown shock, horror or dismay at anything I have said).

I feel that this cleared the air and I trust him completely. I can open up and tell him anything without fear or shame. I would now struggle if he showed any emotion. I know it is a very one-sided and selfish relationship, but this is the first time in my life I have felt safe enough to talk and thereby take the road to healing. Of course he is human and I would not want to abuse that, but at the same time I need to know that he is stronger than me.

Lucy x

 

[reallynow]

I think I may have although I am so skeptical I alway think people are lying or faking things to me. But still my therapist has said a few times in session as she paused deciding what to say, that she is trying really hard not to have a response and calm down. I think in a way its positive because then you can tell that its ok to be upset over it, gets you closer to accepting it.

Being a therapist and hearing those things is their job, but it doesn't make it any easier for them to hear it. Even for myself I refuse to let anyone talk about any horrible things in front of me because it gets me so incredibly down. I mean things like news stories or abuse, just horror stories, I cant stand it and I plug my ears if people talk about it. They all think I'm crazy. I think unless a therapist is completely emotionally detached or is simply uncaring, they would make a horrible therapist, its their job to care. Its a hard job, thank GOD there are good people out there that want to do it.

 

[Jade-]

Maybe I should just be thankful for the T that I have. It's better to have one that cares than one who doesn't I guess.

 

[epaklt]

This is such a personal thing. I like my T to show that he is human and have a relaxed 'conversation' about things, but I do look at how he responds. There are times when he gives no feedback at all, and I wish that he would show some response, it's almost like he hasn't even heard what I said. But other times I know I have held back because of his visible response so I don't think he can win either way. For me, it feels that my needs change as to what I want from him and unfortunately he's not a mind reader yet, so we don't always match on that. I am hoping to come up with some way of letting him know what I would like from him. I guess, even a verbal response would help by acknowledging what I have said... I too, feel like I am going in circles..

 

[Jade-]

epakit, can you just tell your T what you would like/expect from him? I think that's what I'm going to do next session.

 

[Lisa]

Interesting thread. This is something I have talked about with my last therapist... When I first started therapy, I was dissociated. I don't even remember the sessions, I was just not really with it. Muscles in my face never moved and I never expressed any emotion. He took a similar stance, but showed a little emotion, yet was more restrained about it than normal too. He didn't want to scare me with too much emotion. New therapist I have is more emotional, and... it scares me! On the one hand, I know that therapists are trained in the field of emotion and a lot of therapies are based around being able to feel, express, and then move on, without it being traumatic. Something I never learned, and theoretically, it's something that can negatively affect people. Emotions are human. They're natural (I am told!). They're not unsafe. It's like in therapy I am around someone who is emotionally present. They react to something sad, not over react as in floods of tears, but they react to it with empathic feeling, because that's congruent. It used to disturb or confuse me a lot more than it does now... but seeing it also helped me in some way too. If somebody is clearly angry on my behalf, my immediate response is that I'm about to be attacked and I feel scared. Even if I logically know it's not anger at me. I have to work with that whenever my therapist seems a little angered at what's happened. And then I have to realise that this person is actually responding to and for me, not at or against me. How many of us didn't see much of that during our trauma? Where somebody responded to us, how we felt, as if our feelings counted? For me, that didn't happen anyway...

Confusion... Well... for a long time my therapist would look emotionally affected. Like, upset. I would notice it, and thought 'something in his eyes?' (seriously)... but as time went by I realised it was actually about what I'd just said. Did I upset him? What did I say that was wrong? As time went by... I realised it wasn't that. He was being compassionate. Empathic. The look on his face was in relation to me, for me. It was literally like I didn't recognise the emotion in him, and what it meant, and over time I learned. Then one day, I was talking to a friend who had told me something really sad... I didn't just think it was sad, I felt it was too. My eyes filled up and I told her I was so sorry for her, and that it must have been so hard. And I thought 'That's what T does!!'. I'd never felt and expressed compassion in that way - it's always been expressed by thoughts and words... But I always would worry did I say the right thing, did they really know that I meant it, etc. This time... there was no worry. My feeling came right out and showed itself, and she saw and knew what it was and what it meant.

Emotions are very real, genuine human things. They can be very poignant. But they can be painful, frightening, confusing... and I think it's all part and parcel of my PTSD, personally speaking, amongst a lot of things. To be genuinely emotionally in touch can be vulnerable because feelings are what cause us to say "I hurt". But it must be very liberating and freeing to just be as we feel, without the vulnerability feeling like a life-threatening danger.

Sorry I've rambled, but I wanted to post my thoughts on this. It's a very important issue in therapy, and one that I think any good therapist would welcome and like to talk through with someone. It's right at the heart of things in a lot of ways. The heart being what emotions are often associated with...

 

[Jade-]

I have an appointment with my T in the morning. How should I approach the subject? Should I blurt it out when he asks how I'm feeling, my anxiety levels, etc? Now I'm stressing over this.

 

[Lauren]

Hi Jade....I know you are anxious about it. Can you pin down why? I believe your T will be happy to explore his reaction and yours with you. You and I both have a hard time with other's expressing emotion, especially on our behalf. It will be a good discussion and you will feel much better for having it.

As far as how to bring it up? I write down questions and issues in my journal that I want to discuss with my T. I usually share all of them at the beginning of our session. If there are a lot (which has happened 2 times) I ask him to be quiet and not respond until I am done. Usually he will ask a clarifying question or two, but stays quiet for the most part until I am done. Then we pick apart everything.

Writing it down helps to organize my thoughts so that I make sure he understands what I am saying. I also get very, very anxious before I go into our session. It is overwhelming sometimes. I literally jump when he opens the door when it's time to go in. If I didn't write down what I want to discuss beforehand I would completely forget. It allows me to get right to what I need to talk about so that we don't waste time on other "stuff."

 

[Jade-]

I'm not sure why I'm so anxious about discussing it with him. Maybe because I try so hard to keep myself composed and try to seem "normal" and don't want to expose more quirks of mine.(?)

I'm like you, I get very anxious before I go into our session. I have to fight the urge to turn around and leave everytime. I've discussed that with him and he just said If I ever just get up and leave, he sincerely hopes I will call and make another appointment and he will understand.

Writing down what I want to talk about is a good idea, I will have to try that. Thanks Lauren.