My Therapist Totally Just Traumatized Me

[Abstract]

I agree that it will be easier to be constructive now that you are feeling calmer. Heightened emotions never lead anywhere useful interpersonally when it comes to conflict.

Also looking at this just as means as getting what you want and need to make you feel better about relationships and therapy long time and in general rather than saving this relationship. I know that is important for me usually and helps me feel more powerful.

I am going to approach this really rationally and calmly as I think that is probably going to serve you better at this point than being emotive about it but feel free to correct me. Also going to look at things from all perspectives and for you to use your own judgement to decide what feels right for you in the end.

I think you expressed yourself and situation very well.

I can mostly see what she her intention was. In another context where someone already pervasively saw their life in the context of the analogy she used I could even see how there could even possibly be a tiny amount of it that could be helpful. If the image was there already for that person. That was the opposite for you so for you - very unhelpful.

I could also see that if you were totally resistant to doing any trauma work that her concerns would be more valid. Not that I don't think that it would have been Ok then but rather that it would have made a tiny bit more sense.

But a few things strike me.
* One is that you said that you were open to doing trauma work already and she was the one slowing you down.

* Two is that you seem to be saying that the topic came up as a result of you sharing that your intimate life was being affected by doing trauma work with her. That in response to you saying that she suggested that telling the details of the trauma to your H would solve that. Is that the case? If it is then I am just :confused: :mad:and trying to calm down here answering you. Is there another tone or understanding to this? Anyone doing trauma work is going to have intimacy affected. How telling your husband is supposed to help with any of that I don't know. I could understand if it was to help him be understanding with you or for you to get over shame but not other than that. I could even see why not having secrets long term can create emotional intimacy which is nice but I think many of us would want some healing to happen before being able to do that.

* Three is that she is not hearing the fundamental problem you have with this. That your means of coping was separation and that what she did was directly interfere with that. And for no logical reason that I can see if you were already willing to work on trauma. If this was all in response to you sharing that trauma work was affecting you then that is worrying to say the very least. I am guessing that most people would not be able to have any intimacy whilst doing trauma work and would not be finding such detailed conversations with their partners helpful at that time. or if they did share it would be to help deal with the fallout of therapy and not make that aspect of the relationship better. The problems are related to the the past coming up.


If you want the best chance of resolution (for your sake not hers) and you think it is unlikely to happen as things are presently going then I think what may help is to take out the accusation aspects of what you say so that she is less on the defensive. You shouldn't have to do that and I certainly am not meaning you should but it may help her have more chance of accepting and seeing what you are saying if you want damage control. For the sake of not being left with a rift on top of everything else. You may be able to get that still without "managing" her and doing so may feel wrong. If that is the case then don't do it. If you think it would feel Ok then maybe what that would mean would be stating very simply what you think her intentions were and that you know she meant well; and then specifically dealing with the content of your last paragraph. In other words keeping the criticism as short and specific as possible and "hearing" what her intention was. Then followed by again stipulating that you need her to show she understands and is sorry without excuses or caveats.

So in short it seems her thinking was:
Bed more difficult at present - emotional intimacy solves intimacy problems - that means separating is bad therefore break that down so that everything is better. :wacky:
Whereas the truth is more this: Bed more difficult at present because of presently dealing with past - solution is deal with past so that it doesn't intrude on present - separating can still be a useful coping method whilst past is being dealt with - doing anything to further have past intrude on present is unhelpful to say the least.

Factors that add to the concern of how she has dealt with this: You were not resisting trauma work; it is normal have problems whilst doing therapy.

 

[Pencil]

This thread has clearly struck a chord with members!

Here's a true story: Many years ago my uncle hurt his back and ended up in traction in hospital. I have no idea what the problem was - his back was 'out of joint' - and he was completely immobile. When 2 nurses moved him for whatever reason, they accidentally dropped him - he crashed onto the floor, and lo and behold, it solved the problem. That was the end of treatment. I'm not joking, this really happened.

Okay, so the point of this is that what could have been a fatal injury, turned out to be 'exactly what he needed'. So what do the orthopedic team in that hospital do now? Push people with similar complaints out of their beds to crash onto the floor? Somehow I don't think so.

This is what your therapist did, Leah. And now she is defending herself by saying 'It may still be just the thing you need'.

Her nose is now out of joint. Beat it back into place?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Leah I am sorry have not read all the posts but many. As you said (all of he paragraph), in your second last paragraph in post #82, it's critical (with ptsd) to not introduce that in to your phsysical or mental headspace. An 'error', or lack of diplomacy or tact on her part is one thing, it can happen (though you would expect or hope less so from a T specializing in trauma). But she sounds like she doesn't understand what you are explaining, nor intimacy, frankly. Don't look to her to make it right. Think of what Abstract said (and of the picture) and remember what is right.

 

[Pencil]

Don't look to her to make it right.

Excellent point indeed.

 

[Leah123]

* Two is that you seem to be saying that the topic came up as a result of you sharing that your intimate life was being affected by doing trauma work with her. That in response to you saying that she suggested that telling the details of the trauma to your H would solve that. Is that the case?

I was telling her it was hard for me lately to go to bed, that I've been having some intrusive thoughts, panic attacks waking up, and being triggered. And she thought I meant going to bed *w/my husband* which I did not. But when she brought up my husband, I told her, honestly, that I kept the sex and abuse separate, and that basically, if I talked to her about abuse specifics, well, I lost some days to that, in terms of needing to reestablish the mental space I need between the two. (I hate to talk about these things.) She really, just, got me in my very most vulnerable moment.

I could understand if it was to help him be understanding with you or for you to get over shame but not other than that.

I believe these were some of her concerns, but first, I didn't state an intention for better sexual intimacy, and it makes me quite uncomfortable to mix talk about that with abuse. Second, I'm not ashamed. I feel justified in not wanting to tell my husband every single detail about my therapy. If I need a little separation and safe space, I don't want to feel bad for that. I *am* honest with my husband. He knows I'm in therapy. He knows I'm working on parenting issues and past trauma, though I admit I have not told him in detail all of the specifics that I discuss with her on a day to day basis. But I have showed her that I'm working on sharing more and more with him, and kept her updated on that.

Thanks for addressing everything so calmly and in detail. I agree with you that I'll do better to be less accusatory toward her. I'm struggling with objectivity, I freely admit that!!! I have to see, if I can hear what I want to hear, from a calmer, more constructive conversation with her than my previous, very upset posts to her. I must say, she has apologized several times. She has spent significant time reading my many emails, and replying to them in a fair amount of detail, if not as much as I would like. She is showing a commitment, I just feel that she's justifying a mistake, and I don't want her to justify it, I want to feel safe knowing she won't do that to me again, and that she's just plain sorry. :(

 

[Abstract]

Just want to add that I totally understand people saying dump her without a backward look. I think for me when I try to resolve things as much as possible it is rather about trying to salvage some broken long term trust and self belief rather than that relationship if that makes sense. Trying to get what I need no matter how that has to happen.

 

[Leah123]

Okay, so the point of this is that what could have been a fatal injury, turned out to be 'exactly what he needed'. So what do the orthopedic team in that hospital do now? Push people with similar complaints out of their beds to crash onto the floor? Somehow I don't think so.

Pencil, omg, you make me LOL. That is an awesome true story, and hits home for me, as far as her reaction. I definitely called BS on that one, when she told me that her mistake could be the ultimate key to my healing. That is nonsense.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I wouldn't follow her advice about disclosure if it already shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the basics of ptsd, do what is right for you, your h, and relationship. Telling him of the discussion with her, that that is what is the reason for your upset specifically, that is different.

We already default to self-blame and need ample energy to seperate and beat back the past, don't let her introduce unfounded doubt or problems that don't exist. She's not getting it.

PS pencil, too funny. :roflmao: May all our mistakes be so providential, lol.

 

[Abstract]

I was telling her it was hard for me lately to go to bed, that I've been having some intrusive thoughts, .....which I did not.

Grief! She got it so wrong in so many ways its just not funny.

Please know that what I said was in no way a comment of how you are managing to process this. I think you have shown a great ability to think things through even when so triggered. You never just raged away and looking at all side of this throughout.

The truth is that she just messed up really badly. And I still really worry about her qualifications when it comes to trauma. But I guess you can think of long term decisions after. One thing at a time otherwise it can be overwhelming.

PS. I also wanted to say that at some point continuing to try to get something that someone isnt capable of giving you can be very damaging in and of itself. Ask me! ;) Maybe keep in mind when you need to call it a day if you feel thats best.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, all I've read is this....

Re: Well, she said that telling him "how" my father abused me would improve our sex life because it would improve our emotional intimacy.

And I want to scream NOOOOOO at the computer!! Forgive me if this has been addressed already. Please get FAR away from this therapist! You have no right to lay the gory details of your abuse on anyone as it will burden them, anger them, etc. overall, not good! (This is why we hire therapists, so we can tell them instead.) Then there's the issue of us not getting the response we want/need. Minor info is ok so they know what to do/what not to do re: triggers, but laying on details, not a good idea!

You say this therapist has treated other PTSD clients. You never mention if this is her specialty and if she has training in it. HUGE difference!

I see quite a few red flags with this therapist. I think she's done a lot of damage and will continue to damage you. "I'm sorry I hurt you" but then justifying her actions is NOT an apology.

 

[Abstract]

which I did not.

I am going to re name you Miss Resilience!:tup: And I think you should be writing a text book on how to cope healthily and share it with others rather than have your therapist attempting to destroy your coping skills!

PS. Oh and I would be the first to buy it!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

And I'd like to add that I feel that you're making excuses for your therapist. Oh well she *did* apologize...etc. There are so many things she's done wrong that show she's not compatible with you nor does she understand abuse.

It is a huge danger sticking with someone who puts sex and abuse in the same category. I'm 33, abuse was at age 4. I am just now getting out of that frame of mind and separating the two. Don't let an ill-equipped therapist put you into that frame of mind. I'll tell you that it's hard as hell to get out of.

She's not going to give you the apology you want. Sometimes you just have to walk out, even if it does mean no therapy for awhile while you find someone new.