My Therapist Totally Just Traumatized Me

[Leah123]

I understand why you'd say I'm making excuses for her. I like her a lot, and I want to be able to trust her. I invested a lot of time and money in working with her already. I do worry that she is better at raising issues than resolving them. I'm not sure where I am with that, because the whole 'in bed w/my father and husband thing' has shaken me up completely.

I do want to say though, that I feel there's some impulse she had, maybe even some counter-transference that happened in the moment where she decided to speak so bluntly, and if she can help me understand her true intention, and apologize for not expressing it, and for hurting me, I'll be relieved. She has apologized for the anguish she's caused, and for hurting me and putting a scary image in my head, that she did not intend to, that she says she would never intend to, which I believe. I do feel deeply misunderstood by her, but.... misunderstandings happen, and I guess the potential for bad ones increases the harder the topics are. This topic was one of the hardest for me, for sure. Abstract talked about

it is rather about trying to salvage some broken long term trust and self belief rather than that relationship if that makes sense. Trying to get what I need no matter how that has to happen.

and I think that's true for me to an extent as well.

 

[Abstract]

I think that's true for me to an extent as well.

I think I recognised that in you somehow. And I understand it too.

I also think that there is no rush. Resolving conflict in relationships is always a good thing to do for our well-being and recovery and it is good practice. And so spending time on seeing how that goes and giving yourself time to process this is OK I think.

Also I believe we are all different and just as you have knowledge about what suits you when it comes to coping and intimacy so too do you have knowledge about what is right for you personally in therapy. You sound self aware enough to ask for support if you feel you are stuck and you need to move on. And you do look at things from all perspectives and don't just get caught up in one agenda.

I have a personal obsession about T's being trained in trauma but that is my own issue!

 

[Leah123]

I have a personal obsession about T's being trained in trauma but that is my own issue!

I'm pretty scared that it *should* be my obsession too, and that I'm having issues w/this, but let's pray I'm wrong. If it's an issue, guess I'll figure it out sooner or later and not mess things up too much more! :)

I can tell you that PTSD is something she works with the military on, and has for many years as a caseworker, so.... I don't know about other specific credentials she has on it, but she's mentioned some things that tell me she's somewhat well-versed at least.

 

[Pencil]

PTSD is something she works with the military on,

Sigh. Once again I have to point out that there is an enormous difference between PTSD and complex trauma.

 

[Leah123]

Well, the moment I was waiting for came and went. I still feel badly, it's going to take me a little time to regain some more perspective and rest from this truly exhausting weekend. But, overall, I am glad with my therapist's attitude and reply to my upset.

Here's part of her reply. I am glad she responded the way she did:

Again, I am so sorry that I pushed you into a horrible place with the words I chose. My meaning was not literal, but in hindsight, I should have realized you would interpret what I said very concretely. I think you are making amazing progress and perhaps I got caught up in that. I will admit that as I listened to this song, (she played "I'll Fly Away" for me while I posted my comments) I realized my strong wish that you be able to "Fly Away" from the abuse. What I said was not a calculated plan, choice, but one that arose in the moment from my unconscious. I should have stopped and thought before I said what I did. I will make no excuses, but simply say again that I am very, very sorry that what I said has caused you so much pain... I truly cannot imagine how difficult it must be right now for you to manage, regain your safe structure, rebuild. You know I have family in Oklahoma and I was just reminded that want I said was like a tornado to you; I demolished your safe structure."

Hooray for accountability, one of my FAVORITE things about people that I missed growing up.

 

[anthony]

She told me my father was in bed with my husband and I.

In most sexual abuse cases, where the person is still suffering with the trauma when encountering present sexual experiences, whether spouse or not, I tend to agree with your therapist that the abuser is normally in bed with you, in your mind, senses, so forth.

I have experienced this from the other side, where a partner flipped out because I touched her a certain way and afterwards she stated she had been abused and her abuser did something similar, which was in her head whilst we were having sex. Her abuser was literally in bed with us in her head.

This has been the case with any women I've been with whose had sexual abuse. There has always been a specific factor to be careful with, or something triggers a past memory even after sex which causes issues.

IMHO, your therapist stated something that you don't want to believe, or accept... especially if when having sex with your husband you have thoughts, doubts, concerns and are watching for certain things that don't trigger you. That mere fact of being aware of something means the abuser is in the bed with you, because you aren't being you, being free, being independent with your partner. Instead, you're bringing baggage into the bed with you which you have yet to unpack and throw away.

 

[Abstract]

Very happy for you Leah.

Hooray for accountability, one of my FAVORITE things about people that I missed growing up.

Fabulous!

And personally I did not see Leah as not being able to see that that is what her therapist meant (I think thats pretty obvious) and rather it being about her roughly and abruptly breaking down the way she personally copes.

Its not as if she is avoiding trauma work or denying that trauma has affected her. Just that the image is not useful for her. Its that it adds something triggering into a space that she has fought hard to keep as separate as possible.

I can see why those who already think of their lives in this way (the analogy) and have big problems in this arena at home would find it helpful.

 

[Leah123]

And personally I did not see Leah as not being able to see that that is what her therapist meant (I think thats pretty obvious) and rather it being about her roughly and abruptly breaking down the way she personally copes.

You're absolutely right. My choices are personal and empowering. I am not perfectly healed, but I am strong and self-aware, always working toward being moreso. I am happy with my private life with my husband, and working to improve it at the same time. There are helpful ways for me to do this in therapy and unhelpful approaches. Further, she misinterpreted a key statement that led to her approach, so the entire thing was a bit fumbled, and at a bad time for it as well. My therapist's initial approach in this conversation was a misstep, and she realizes it. I am glad for that and to feel like she's a good partner on my *personal* path to growth.

 

[Leah123]

where a partner flipped out because I touched her a certain way and afterwards she stated she had been abused and her abuser did something similar, which was in her head whilst we were having sex. Her abuser was literally in bed with us in her head.

Yes, that is similar to my experience when I first began my relationship, and I feel sorry for both partners dealing with the after effects of such evil. I was blessed to find a man, a thoughtful, respectful, gentle, non-abusive man to work with me through this in those early days. In 3 months, we will have had 15 years of marriage and I am so happy to say that those issues, that plagued me once, have vastly improved.

 

[Pencil]

And personally I did not see Leah as not being able to see that that is what her therapist meant (I think thats pretty obvious) and rather it being about her roughly and abruptly breaking down the way she personally copes.

I agree.

 

[Pencil]

Leah, I am very glad that you and your therapist managed to get past the rapids.

In January I went through a similar 'unforgivable' gaff by my therapist, but we managed to sort things out, and it strengthened the connection. She also apologized sincerely, and clearly learned something from it. It took nearly a month to resolve it, but we did.

 

[Leah123]

Wow, Pencil, I admire your perseverance and strength, to work through such a gaff for so long. I know that feeling of 'unforgiveable', goodness I do! My therapist once said, each person and their path to healing is unique, so though she's seen many people heal, it's always different. What that means to me in this case, and I SO appreciate that she understands it, is that while she had good intentions, what she said was not right for me on my path. What we say, when we say it and how we say it matter, and while I have things to learn from her, it's a learning journey for both of us, and there will be missteps, as we try to create a healing relationship.